Am I Broken?

JP with Omni and Lorem:

As Alexis excused herself to retrieve the life giving, life saving liquid, Voah searched through the pack and found a surplus of rations. She was looking specifically for something soft enough for him to chew without causing him more unnecceary pain. Jerk, nuts... No… dried figs and dates! That would suffice. She pinched off a small piece of fig and pressed it softly to his lips to accept it.

Gonyaul's mouth twisted and he began to quietly weep. Voah was unaware of just what he was going through internally, but she had been there before and he obviously hurt deeply. His body was releasing it in the only way he knew how and it killed her to see him in such agony.

"It's ok. Let it out. Squeeze my hand if you need to."

The way he took his hand back told her that he was in no mood for physical contact, even from her. Maybe especially from her.

"I'm sorry, Bu'jah. Fuck, I am so, so sorry I let it come to this. I'm going to take care of you." she pleaded.

When he felt the fig up against his lips he tried to stop from crying. His lips quivered with the struggle to contain his emotions and it took a few seconds for him to calm down enough to take control. He gratefully excepted the nutrients. He knew in his current state, without them he would lose to the present fever. After he swallowed, he whispered his thanks.

He didn’t take her hand because he was still conflicted over his desire to blame everything that happened on Voah. He was scared that in his emotionally destabilized state that he would squeeze to the point of causing her harm. He wasn’t sure if that would happen or not, but he didn’t want to risk it.

He didn’t react to her promise. He very slowly stated with uncertainty in his tone, “Something wrong with me.” He wasn’t referring to his physical state, for it was obvious something was wrong with him there. His face contorted again. Unfortunately, due to the wound there, any expression caused pain. “I feel … “ he was searching for the correct translated word. “broken?”

While he had considerable training and study regarding wisdom and navigating life, Gonyaul had not much practical hands on experience dealing with certain things. This situation and the avalanche of everything that it brought with it, was one of those things.

So… Gonyaul was not some impossible angel after all. Only human like the rest of them. The man of infinite patience and optimism was beginning to feel the cruelty of the world. It was not a pretty perspective.

That wasn’t all… Voah got the feeling that it wasn’t just his body… but his heart and mind that were broken.

Disillusionment? In her? Of his upbringing? What wisdom could she share to make him feel better for the turmoil he was experiencing? As a renegade inquisitor, she knew something of disillusionment.

“…I think I know exactly what you mean. And you shouldn’t fight it.”

Gonyaul was perplexed and his eyebrows gave him away. ~He shouldn’t fight it?~
He shouldn’t fight this urge to nurture the retaliatory anger trying to take root inside his heart? He shouldn’t fight the bitterness he wanted to direct towards her for having caused this? He shouldn’t fight the feeling of worthlessness? Was this entire experience revealing that his ways were delusional and he should just embrace reacting with his gut?

He concluded, by her own words, that Voah knew what these feelings were. He instantly felt compassion and empathy to a greater degree than ever before. He now realized how difficult it was to cope with a higher degree of malevolence and a better understanding of how such things could lead people to the behaviors that confounded him.

And furthermore, she provided counsel on what should be done with them. He measured her claims with the fine tooth comb of Vauxian literature inscribed all over his body.

He didn’t know what to do. He projected that if he gave into the negative emotions he was currently experiencing, that it would make him feel better. Was that a lie, or the truth? It felt right to do it. Yet at the same time, something in him said it was wrong. He felt created for a different response than the ones he was presently being tempted to believe.

He placed his left hand carefully over the bandages near his heart. He could tell, even without seeing it, that the slash wound just missed below his kagim mark, much to his relief. ~Humanity, kindness, and generosity will be how kagim flows through me into the world.~ he reminded himself.

He lowered his hand back down by his side and opened his eyes to look at Voah. “Bu’jah, I do no think I know what you mean?” He placed emphasis on the darling part and was trying to sound like he was capable of a discussion even though he was an emotional wreck.