Matching Fears

JP with Omni and Lorem

Well… Gonyual didn’t disagree about her causing unnecessary trouble, but at least it seemed he was still willing to deal with it.

He started with a fair point and a disarming ‘I love you’. It hadn’t been stated today, nor often at all and in contrast to the conflict, it was a matter whose repetition was most welcome to Voah.

It was a superficial start, but the conversation was bound to get deeper.

She took one of his hands in her own, “My darling, I do love you… and I apologize for my failure to communicate. I do want to compromise… I do want OUR way. And I wish to hear more of your thoughts on it. But understand, compromises come with their own price or mark of trouble.“

Gonyaul felt a much needed sense of relief when she responded with those three powerful words of belonging. It helped take the edge of the tensions and slow down the panic monster that had been screaming in his head over the past few days.

She spoke wisdom with her inputs. He understood everything had a cost and an opportunity cost. That nothing was necessarily a perfect scenario; trade offs were going to have to be weighed and measured to the best of their abilities.

She mentioned that she wanted to hear more of his thoughts. He took that as an invitation to start sharing.

First, he nodded to her last several comments and affirmed that he was hearing her. Then he began with a candid stream of consciousness and in true Gonyaul fashion dove straight into his vulnerability.

“I was very scared. I was fearful that you become Voah of the past that would leave me for your cause. I was so scared we die not needing to. I was scared you want pillars accept you so much that you acting blindly and not see perils to you or others. I worry that you see me as a fool. That I be problem because I am no good fighter. I feel lacking to your standards and question if I am hinder you true potential and purpose.”

He kept eye contact this time when sharing his insecurities. In the past shame would have caused him to look down. That was progress, even if small.

Gonyaul’s words were laced with unintentional cuts that had a way of turning her pride to shame.

“I have similar fears...” she began. “I AM afraid that you despise the part of me that calls for judgement and punishment that you regret coming with me and that you will soon learn to resent me. I fear that we are both fools for one another. I fear that I have so often brought danger upon you. That I cannot protect you. I have likely revealed the location of the last of your people and impending doom from one or all of my own Gods… and I too feel lacking to your standards and see myself as a hindrance to you… I admit, I liked being an Arbiter, believing I was doing good things for a vulnerable world. Serving people and my Gods while serving myself. It is true… I do want their acceptance. Like a person wants the acceptance of their parents and forebears? But now I fear they have no more love for me, whether I follow their will or not.“