The scars we bear

At some point Alexis had dozed of leaning against the tunnel wall, her body refusing to be denied its needs any longer.

It wasn’t a fitful sleep, haunted by the slaughter of the recently survived battle field. She shot awake to the death screams of the miners.

She looked around blearily, needing to orient herself. The mercenary hadn’t been the only one claimed by exhaustion. Anyone in her immediate proximity seemed to be asleep, and Wim had left when Zane did. Somewhere down the tunnels she could still make out some activity. Probably Nicolaus still tending to the injured.

Alexis moved over to Tarmen’s unconscious form. His state seemed unchanged, which was probably the best they could hope for. She took the waterskin Gonyaul had brought and carefully let some drops of water wet his lips. Sitting back, her gaze wandered over Markus and the other injured in her vicinity. She had given the provisions Gonyaul brought to anyone who wanted some. She didn’t really have an appetite. Actually most didn’t. There was still some left.

Alexis got up. She needed some air. And some cleaning. As an afterthought she took the remaining provisions with her.

As she left the mine, she passed the wagon that had become the impromptu resting place of the Odonine miners that still refused to enter the mine. She left provisions for them to take or leave them when they awoke.

It is was still darkest night as she made her way to the well. Drawing water she cleaned herself up as best as she could, trying not to mess up her bandages too much. Raising her head as she had washed the sweat and grime out of her hair she found herself looking at the mess of tent tarps, poles and ropes that had seen so many people dying. Alexis didn’t really know how long she had been staring at the scene, her emotions flaring.
She balled her fists and slowly made her way back to the mine.

At a intersection of tunnels, she hesitated. She couldn’t go on like this.

She took a turn, away from the tunnel that harboured the survivors, and walked down another, currently abandoned. Hand on the wall as every light faded and steps carefully placed, she wandered until she felt she was truly alone.

She slid down the tunnel wall and sat down.

For a while she just sat there, unseeingly staring into the dark. Then she slowly pulled her legs up and encircled them with her arms. She rested her brow on her knees as she deliberately allowed everything that had been tearing at her mind and heart to crash down on her.

She had to let herself go for a moment or she knew she would snap, and that was something she just couldn’t afford.

Loosing both Voah and Tarmen in the ruins and the absolute hopelessness of finding them, desperately grasping for straws when riding to Maru. Getting her friends involved and agreeing to split up, putting all of them in danger, too. Coming back to find Boyce dead and Wim severely wounded, clearly not having prepared them enough for the devastating impact of the mould. Being forced back to Aquilo, having to leave behind Islana, Hunter and the prospector to an unknown fate. Wondering if she should not have listened to Gonyaul back then, and just chase the Neph-Kin from Aquilo with fresh supplies. At least then Boyce might be still alive, together with Wim and Islana, and Hunter might not have been gotten involved in the first place.
And then returning to Aquilo, to try and defend the settlement at the brink of exhaustion. Agreeing to leave the Odonine miners, pretentious as they might have been, to die for refusing to take cover in the mines.
Witnessing the carnage that this decision had brought to the clansmen. Feeling absolutely useless when a severely wounded Tarmen faced the wretched raider’s leader to try and save what was left of them, being almost beaten to death for his bravery. Barely being saved by the arrival of Zane and his knights.
And now here she was, in too bad a state to even try and start looking for Islana and Hunter whose fate they simply didn’t know, not that she even had any idea where to begin and how to avoid the ire of the Odenine while she wandered around aimlessly in their lands.

Alexis let her tears flow freely, lest she drowned in them. There was no sound other than laboured breathing as the moisture slowly spread through the fabric of her trousers.

It was in her nature to face things, even her own failures. She knew, cognitively, that not all of what had happened had been in her hands and that there were things she simply could not have foreseen. She felt responsible all the same. Accepted those new scars, both flesh and heart, to bear them from here on out.

Here, in her self chosen solitude, she allowed herself to break down under her grief and guilt. So she could pick herself up again and move forward.

She had to. The least she could do was to accept her shortcomings and try to learn from them. Try to become better. For those she had failed.

When the stream of tears finally subsided and Alexis felt she had appeased her self-loathing enough to face the world again, she wiped her face dry and took some more time to center herself.

Finally, she pulled herself back to standing and retraced her steps to the makeshift infirmary. She retook her place at Tarmen’s side. Maybe she could catch a bit more sleep.
And then she would have to start thinking about what she was going to do from here on out.
Because as much as one might think it shouldn’t in the face of all the pain and tragedy - life just went on.