Dream On

It was long into the night before Gonyaul came back down to earth, both literally and figuratively. With his feet on the ground, he made his way through the few remaining stragglers at the party towards his tent. He bowed to those he passed and felt like he must have been a permanent shade of red from all the blushing and smiling he experienced this evening. This feeling was magnanimous, splendiferous and new all swirling within him at the same time.

Upon reaching his tent, he crawled inside and made himself as comfortable as he could. His upper back muscles had stopped spasming which was a relief. It didn't much matter though, because Gonyaul preferred to sleep on his side, curled up slightly, with his feet rubbed up against one another; he was a natural born cuddler. He wrapped his Uppar around his eyes and meditated.

It was instant, he relived the past moments again and again. The moment she appeared at the camp to seeing her gracefully disappear into the night, kept replaying. The joy she brought was rekindled anew each time he remembered it in all its vivid details. His meditations, the longer they went on though, always would deepen to a subconscious level of pure visceral emotion and experience. He never knew where he would go once he arrived at that state of being.

At first his memories began taking him farther back into the past. He experienced the first time he ever met Voah. They didn't stop there though, and soon he was back in the Kru'll jungle being taught lessons by his multiple Orohcs. Concern was circling around, out in the ether, somewhere whispering at him in order to bring forth doubt.

Dating was not part of Vauxian culture. You are prepared and then marriage is arranged, the entire process from birth to matrimony controlled by the community of elders. He could feel the disapproval of the Orohcs in how he behaved tonight. For not only was this dance not ceremonially sanctioned, it was a lover's dance after all, his partner was not even Vaux. He could feel the disapproval again of his people. A Vaux knew that they were only supposed to fall in love and marry another Vaux. What would they say to him if they knew how far he had fallen from their teachings? Would they consider him immature and his self-control weak, being an inexperienced virgin, for having not refrained from pursuing how he felt towards this woman? Would they reprimand him for giving in to the temptation of her irresistible charms? Would they point out he was just trying to compensate selfishly for being alone and depressed he would never find a Vauxian mate? Gonyaul inwardly growled at these thought in defense of his choices, an unexpected defiant response that was uncharacteristic of the obedient Vauxian pupil.

In addition, he could hear them sharing the horrors of their historical relationship with the Nocta Inquistion and the Pillars. He could remember the nightmarish lessons and the graphic details of what Arbiters did to people like him. His Orohcs surely would say his dreaming of this woman were dangerous and a misguided risk that would end the way things always ended with either magik users or faith wielders. Was she just baiting him? Drawing him into her web before the killing blow came while he was vulnerable? Gonyaul once again broke a lifetime of conditioning and uncharacteristically argued back. While those things were true, none of those things held her in their arms ... saw what he saw in her eyes ... felt they way she touched him ... or how genuine the dance had been. It felt true to him in every absolute standard of measurement he knew.

Finally, since neither of these darkening strains of thought seemed to have deterred him, a third series of questioning arose out of the battlefield in the mind. The Orochs demonstrating that this woman was a stranger. He barely knew her? Were feelings, both emotional and physical, controlling his rational state of mind? In addition, she didn't know him either. What if she did become the end of him once she found out? What if she didn't like him anymore when she actually got to know him? Gonyaul had no track record of experience when it came to receiving romantic affection from another to compare. It seemed like these thoughts were hooking into him, but they were shook free when Gonyaul mentally declared. It is true, but I will make my move and see how she responds instead of letting fear dictate my course. I can't control that she is not Vaux. I can't change that she was and is an Arbiter. I can change that she knows who I really am, and I her. So that is where I will start ... come what may.

Gonyaul was fed up with these pessimistic thoughts. He began to realize they weren't even his. They were from others. Their idealistic views weren't matching with his present experiences, which was confusing. More importantly though, Gonyaul was playing with the idea that if he were to deny truth, even if his culture disapproved, he would be shutting himself off from kagim to flow into the world through him. He stomped his foot, metaphorically speaking, and sent the swirling doubts and concerns fleeing from the shockwave.

His breath was centering him. He was still. And once he felt peace again, he opened up his thoughts and listened to what they had to say:

"Yes you may be scared and even at times sad, the dreams that you were taught aren't the dreams that you have. The world may say your crazy and it will all go wrong; however, remember to just dream on. Even when you are afraid dream on. Fill up your heart to overflowing and dream on. Dream on. Maybe they'll take you to fabulous places and you will be right where you belong. Place this song in your heart and dream on."

Sleep would take awhile, he could still taste her on his lips. Eventually though, Gonyaul drifted off to sleep and dreamed on.