War and Peace

Gonyaul used this window of opportunity, Voah graciously consented to, in order to do some soul searching. He had much to ponder and her advice was a stratagem for starting the process. He was embracing vulnerability for what might happen while meditating; currently he felt emotionally exposed, uncertain and unclear about possible outcomes.

His condition made it much harder to meditate than he imagined it would. Instead of taking a direct path into mindfulness, he felt like a chicken running around with its head cut off. When he did make reasonably valid connections it was more akin to a blind person stumbling across them than having seen where it was before his mind’s eyes. Persistence was probably the only reason he made any progress at all.

Gonyaul felt he was talking to himself. What started out as a civil discourse soon turned into an argument of impressive proportions. Withdrawal, escalation, negative interpretation, and indifference all reared their ugly faces during the back and forth communication. Gonyaul felt like it was good vs evil, in how different they quarreled. He was reminded that they were both him and was glad he wasn’t having this initial talk with Voah, lest he would behave in some of the more unsavory ways towards her that he was experiencing from himself.

He was in a battlefield of his mind. A war between his thoughts of ‘yes’ or ‘no’ fighting over his choices. It was brutal combat, both sides of the argument well equipped with present emotions, past experiences, and future aspirations. Neither side played it safe or dare retreat, it was going to be a fight to the death with only one Gonyaul standing.

With no winner in sight, suddenly like a defense mechanism, the ideation of the internal conflict caused Gonyaul to have a series of epiphanies. It was like the sky in his mind opened and down rained falling stars that crashed into the battlefield below, taking out everything. Neither side won, while the other lost. Both sides were actually on the same team after all; it would all come down to the way he framed things.

Yes, he blamed her for everything that had happened. He had the evidence of her sneaking off into places she shouldn’t be and meddling in affairs which should no longer concern them. That set into motion a chain of events which caused harm and ruin. But thinking again, he realized that he was the one that chose to be with her. He had every opportunity to leave her, yet he chose to commit to her; the good, the bad, and the ugly. He knew now that her kagim was that of the seeker for truth, under Justice. Kagim flowed through her when she acted upon them. It was no different when bad things happened perhaps when he chose kindness and generosity? Who was he to deny her kagim?

In the end, he had only himself to blame he concluded, not Voah ultimately. This enabled him to release forgiveness to her, setting himself free from the toxicity of resentment and bitterness that had been building. In regards to being at fault himself, he likewise was able to forgive on the grounds that he had to take responsibility for his own choices. In addition, he couldn’t be grateful for the bad that had happened; however, he could be grateful that he had an opportunity to do something.

He wouldn’t get to other matters that caused him intense emotion, like how he hurt the magik wielder for example or his feelings of losing value, during this meditation because of how exhausting it was to grapple with the first major issue. He was content though, despite it all, he had found peace.

Unfortunately he let his guard down a fraction of a second too soon. During that moment a brief idea slipped past undetected in the form of a question. ~Can I trust Voah?~ He paused and it unpacked itself quickly with a pre-made presentation for his thoughts.

~~~

Voah left him in the Odsier plains for the inquisition’s pillars. She left him again in the Holy City to behave like an arbiter for the inquisition’s pillars. She sided with Alcuin’s advice and stayed at the war camp for the inquisition’s pillars. She attacked the witch as would an arbiter for the inquisition’s pillars. Other smaller instances popped up, but these were the major evidences on display.

~~~

Gonyaul had another sudden epiphany. Unlike the last one, it was not favorable to their relationship. He realized she always put the Pillars and her old habits as an inquisition arbiter first; before him and their relationship. He always suffered each time this occurred.

Gonyaul realized he couldn’t entirely trust Voah. And if that were so, what else might be lies, deceptions, and half-truths?

In the end, he didn’t finish this line of thinking, never bringing it to full fruition and resolution. He had fallen fast asleep and it was allowed to simmer in his subconscious all night.