Having It All

Voah ate and she meditated, clearing her mind. That felt good… only to finally come back to her own reality of self-loathing and self-pity. No paranoid spore whispers needed. She prayed to the Pillars… all of them… for answers… she didn’t expect a response and there wasn’t one, as usual.

Voah leaned against a wall, curled with her knees under her chin, chewing another mouthful of the bread and mushrooms

What in Zin’s name was happening to her? It was like she was cursed. Like she had tasted the greatest sweetness the world had ever known and it had been ripped from her tongue. Then she was put in a hole and forced to climb out only to go from one nightmare to another.

Fuck. She had some serious re-evaluating to do.

Gods, the people she had fallen in with. Did they know Gonyaul didn’t worship the Pillars? Was this whole group a bunch of heretics and heathens? She didn’t ever hear them praying aloud to the Gods, but... neither did they speak ill of them.

What they DID do was accept her as one of their own. They forgave her for her attitudes and actions... while she was under the influence of spores, which was not far off from how she would have responded if things really did go down the way she thought they did at the time.

This group called her friend. They saved her from the dark. And now they were dealing with her dramatic zealous bullshit. Tarmen even still gave a damn about her clearing the effects of the mould.

Till was dead. Blackwolf… dead. Hunter, an assassin and non-believer, taken on as her Incus… Wim and Tarmen, almost certainly creed members. On top of that, Wim murdered Blackwolf? Gonyual, a Vaux and non-believer. Alexis and Islana… secrets, there must be. And Voah, a failing Arbiter with secrets of her own, not least of which was doubting the will of the Pillars and the Inquisition, but there was more to it…

Voah was once the mistress to Lord Griison. They were both very much in lust and in love with each other, but the Lord was a married man. The two were both young and stupid and she was beginning an acolyte in the church. Of course she knew better. Lord Griison's marriatge had been an arrangement of convenience, but when the time came that his wife eventually became pregnant with the man’s heir, the Lord realized the error of his ways and cut all ties with Voah. How could he, after months of promises… promises that he was going to find a way to end the arrangement with his wife… How could he drop Voah like she was nothing?

The worst part of the ordeal was that Voah seriously considered killing Lady Griison and her unborn child to have the Lord for herself. She was used to being able to take what she wanted. There were dark thoughts, premeditation... but ultimately, Voah took a different path. It took Voah years to atone. Well… she was probably still atoning for that grave sin. The guilt was still there. It was something she never told anyone, something for which she never forgave herself and the Gods didn’t speak their minds on the matter.

Afterwards, as was her tendency, Voah became a zealot. Judging herself harshly but also projecting her faults onto others. She worked hard to prove to herself that she was better than that... better than others… and in many ways... she was.

But since then, she was bitter and she still carried a sore spot for nobility, to which she had become a heartbreaker. She had bested many.

…but Gonyaul was no Lord… and his heart was not one she was willing to break. She would rather die than see that happen… and if it did… she would rather he experience that hurt from someone else. Just so he knew the agony of love and appreciated that perspective.

Ah, but what did she know? Heartbreak had only made her a cynical, jealous minx and a transient lover who used men for her own pleasure. Since her affair with Lord Griison, she never took her sexual exploits further than kissing, teasing and touching but ALWAYS getting what she wanted out of it. She could thank Hoi for that. She even got what she wanted from Duke Stoneshade who had probably lied to his cronies about his grand conquest, settling on some filthy fantasy. Regardless of the story, it wouldn’t even tarnish the reputation of a priestess of Hoi.

But why? Why Gonyaul? Hadn’t the Gods directed her straight to him? Was it for a completely different reason? No… she didn’t want to believe that.

Things had started out so well. He was so genuine. Everything about him. Pure. Thinking back on it. She realized that he had never lied to her. But he certainly omitted things. For obvious reasons. How could he tell her? Well he would have to… eventually… or fake it… if he wanted to be with her… and she was absolutely certain that he wanted to be with her. He was so forward, so bold about it.

She couldn’t be with a non-believer. It was heresy. Right? She realized she was falling in love with him. It was too late.

Love never forbidden, Gonyual had explained to her.

In all her blind emotion she hadn’t seen it… well she HAD… but it didn’t click… he wasn’t mocking her… he was actually going to pray for her… and he genuinely wanted to know how to help her.

Maybe she could teach him? Just as she did with Hunter? Or maybe he would teach her something?

Why couldn’t she have it all? Heart and mind made a pact then… Pillars be damned. Let the Gods speak their mind. She would choose these people… as they had chosen her. She chose Gonyual to journey back into the uncharted territory that was love. But where did that lead? It was another tunnel of darkness. But she hoped they would be there with her. Maybe it was a mistake, but it was a risk that she was willing to take.

If love was the sea, they would be diving headlong off a cliff, bound together, sink or swim, together in the high tide of a squall… hoping to avoid being dashed on unseen rocks. Better to chance the storm than to live in a cage. Nnn, Lilliark?

Now… how was she going to do this?