Dying to Self

Upon the final delivery of appreciation from Alexis, Gonyaul closed his eyes to rest. He was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. His half-naked body ached with soreness, bruising, and newfound pain. He was burning up and felt chilled at the same time. Unfortunately, he was also not done for the night. The young Vaux had two more battles ahead of him as he lay there immobile. One, the fever fighting off infection trying to set in. And two, making an accurate assessment of himself.

Voah’s kindness had tipped the scales of blame towards the side of him taking responsibility for his own actions. He realized now how quick he had been to relinquish ownership, in favor of taking the familiar, comfortable and traditional way out.

He had been wrong. And he had wronged her. The shame opened his heart in self reflection. It was obvious that he needed to learn more and also unlearn things as well.

His expectation that she would just give up her past and her gods was unreasonable. His thinking that her desires in life and her actions would naturally alignment with how he was taught to see and navigate the world was unfair. His failure to recognize how much she had changed and had sacrificed already was not giving credit where it was due. His misunderstanding and unawareness of her struggles and needs was shamefully negligent.

Furthermore, he was immaturely trying to live life as if he were still in the isolated community in the Kru’ll jungle. He wasn’t in that utopian lifestyle and environment anymore. He was ignoring the reality that life in the big wide world was nothing like his upbringing. He was being naive to the truth of situations, favoring instead to paint them in the fantasy of idealism.

He came to the conclusion that he would apologize to Voah about all these things the first chance he got. In addition, he would recommit to being purposeful in learning and pursuing after her heart. He wasn’t sure if he had lost the opportunity to deepen the meaningful connections drawing them closer and closer together; however, the goal was not his own selfish gain, but the joy of seeing her flourish.

Voah was the love of his life. She was a woman worth waiting for and making the difficult decisions to change for. His heart longed for her and endlessly constructed the sweetest endearments. However, he needed to be a man that took bold, conscientious and appropriate action. He needed to do better. He needed to become better.

He could feel himself drifting off to sleep and was powerless to stop it. His last thoughts were of Voah before darkness took him. An immature part of Gonyaul died that night. He would wake to a new day, no longer hiding or ignoring the evils of reality.