Tossing and Turning

The top of the tent won yet another staring contest as Gonyaul struggled to fall back asleep. He had a solid and deep slumber to begin with; however, after several hours of rejuvenating peace, he was awake yet again. His mind wanted to keep processing what had happened, even though all he wanted to do was burrow into the mattress pad and continue sleeping with the hopes of dreams.

He surrendered trying after many failed attempts. Cuddling next to the staff, he closed his eyes and began to think. Why was he here and not there? Was the question that was probably not just on his mind, but Voah’s as well. After cross examining several considered thoughts that emerged in self assessment, he came to the humbling conclusion that he was scared.

That made no sense to him at first. For starters, he had been in several risky and perilous situations before, and while he felt the fear he was able to override it. True, that in those instances he could strategize in advance a course of action for survival. The war camp was a no win situation, IF caught. But even in Aquilos, while he didn’t fight, he had taken on some risk to engage. So what had him so fearful?

He suddenly dawned on him that he was fearful, not so much of the situation but of an insecurity. He was scared Voah was reverting back to being her past self. She had said she was acting; however, it didn’t feel like acting. It felt like her time with him was a dream and now she was waking back up to reality. He was scared by continuing onward he was going to lose her, not to a war camp as much as to the questionable purposes of the inquisition. She was regressing back to being a fully realized Arbiter. It frightened him on multiple levels, primarily that she would leave him; once again the insecurity of abandonment reared it’s ugly head.

He also wondered if the Pillars would bless her and take her back if she did revert back to them in full? Strangely, there was a part of him that wanted this. The pillars seemed to mean so very much to her. In all his dealings with those of that faith, he had never met anyone so genuine in their love for the pillars. It still made him curious why they had rejected her in the first place?

Having finally gotten to the root of the matter he took time to deal with this new understanding before moving on to something Voah said, “that Ostiarium had people that could use some of his generosity.” While he realized she said that in a way to try and convince him into action, she wasn’t wrong. He carried not for the abstract notions of cities and nations, but he did care deeply for people. He didn’t want anyone, on either side hurt. This meant he had to find a way to bring about peace. But how could someone like him, with no power and influence, do such a monumental thing? Little did he know, that in the days past Vauxians were neutral parties that were ambassadors and peacemakers across Helias that tried to keep at bay the atrocities that were so prevalent everywhere one went now; his line of thinking would be encouraged by his ancestors.

He got to thinking that dealing with the war camp was a limp approach. The army was just an instrument, purely designed for one purpose and at its current size swallowed any rational will of its individuals into the stomach of group thinking. No, that was a dead end. But every instrument had a master musician that played it. That was it. He would need to find the people that had the influence and power to actually make impactful decisions to stop this war from happening. How was he to do that?

He pondered this awhile and came to conclusion that perhaps he should just go up to the temple and ask to speak with them. No, that wouldn’t work, plus it was risky. He would keep himself open to this idea though, hopeful that if he could just talk to someone in charge they could put this whole ugly business of war to rest and usher in an age of peace and prosperity for all lands.

He started to feel tired again. This meant he must have settled what was keeping him awake. He curled up and thought tomorrow he would go to work, unless Voah got back before then. After work he would go into the city and check on the widow and her family. If he was fortunate he may make enough to buy them the meal he had wanted to share with them but unfortunately ate.