What Are You Doing?

Gonyaul remained about twenty five yards back from where Voah and Alcuin were scoping out their targets and environment. He was staking out their stake out. He thought himself invisible, after all he was fully covered and had always been a significant distance behind them. Despite what he thought was good tailing, he didn’t realize that Voah knew he was there. Perhaps she would commend him later for trying; however, he really shouldn’t continue in this line of work without proper training. It wasn’t that he didn’t get the concept of not being seen, or moving like he belonged, it was just he had a demeanor about him and a twinkle in his eyes that broadcasted ~yes, I am watching you. Hi.~

His cup of attention was filled with waiting as they waited. This spilled quickly over into boredom. His mind was wandering into daydream and his focus split on what he was doing. He began to think about how the Vaux at home would never believe the life he had been living. He couldn’t believe it either if he was honest with himself. He could almost see their hands forming the comment, ~what are you doing?~

That quality question rang like a gong in his mind, ushering in a processional of moments that were like exhibits on display. Since he had gotten involved with those he called ‘friends’ some of the following milestones had taken place: he had an assassination attempt on his life, was detained and chained, had his place destroyed, knowingly tracked down a friend and found a cult and survived a bloody skirmish, was attacked by a massive Luger, delved deep into an unforgiving abyss, barely survived an ambush of bandits, was volleyed through the air by a mountain ape, lost friends to the grip of death and separation, survived a brutal attack on Aquilos, discovered that gods do exist, survived the plains of the Odsier and almost got unknowingly married, romantically got involved with an Arbiter, fought a bonecaster and won, became a fugitive by association, survived the harsh desert, survived an attack by desert dogs, survived trying to hunt a crocodile, experienced discrimination … same flavor different place, discovered what he knew of his people had important bits of history missing, and now was spying on two individuals … one that he was hoping would settle down with him … hell bent on killing people. From humble farmhand in Ostiarium to humble dock worker in the Holy City, he had been wrapped up and dragged around into a lot of interesting scenarios; most highly dangerous.

The question repeated itself, ~what are you doing?~. To which Gonyaul replied silently ~I just wanted to help.~ The inner dialogue immediately responded, referencing all that had and was currently happening. ~Don’t you think it is getting out of hand? Don’t you think you are in over your head and should let such things be handled by all those you’ve met much more capable than you?~

Gonyaul paused to think this over. He didn’t usually make the mistake of comparing himself to others; at least he tried his hardest not too. He wasn’t like anyone else and comparing himself to them would provide fruitless metrics. At best he could learn from them, the good and the bad, and be inspired by them. A game he could win though was comparing himself today to himself from yesterday. That was the closest thing to him in the whole wide world and probably the only thing he actually had any semblance of control over.

His goal was to be better today than yesterday. But this internal questioning had him stumped. He finally had to admit to himself. ~I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what is going on most of the time. I don’t know what I should do next. I don’t know if I have what it takes. I don’t know how the world works. I don’t know the entire truth about my history. I don’t know if Voah is truly interested in me or just entertained by the novelty. I don’t know why I am here right now. I feel like a fish foolishly trying to climb a tree.~

His attention finally converged back into focusing on his present situation. The daydreaming had passed for now. He looked to see nothing had yet changed. ~oh my goodness. This is boring. I should just go right up to the front door and introduce myself.~ he toyed around with, but dare not budge from his cover just yet.