Reasons that matter

Alexis was silent for a good while after hearing the Friar’s account, her expression thoughtful.

She took it for what it was - the view of one who had been selected to live. From the other side of the Keep’s walls, that story was told quite differently. She was grateful to have both perspectives now.

One could think of Zane’s decisions whatever one chose to. But he had made them, when no one else had, and taken full responsibility. That in itself, she respected greatly.

“Thank you.”
she finally said, simply and sincerely.

Alexis had no judgement to give, neither in favour nor against. As far as she was concerned, if she wanted to judge someone, it should be herself. Plenty of judging to do, especially lately.
Arcadia had a way of showing that things just were not as clear cut as one would like to think.

No light without darkness. No right without wrong. No good without evil.
People of the faith liked to claim there was some definite way to tell one from the other. But there really wasn’t, was there?
There were just people, and the choices they made, for the reasons that mattered to them.
And when those choices clashed, that was were conflict was born. It was as simple as that. No lofty reasoning necessary.

So what were HER reasons?
For a long time, it had been her code. The principles she had been taught and continued to live by. And that might not have been easy but absolutely doable. As long as she had been the only one affected. Even before, when she still had been with her father and his oath brothers, there was little reason to struggle with upholding their credo. Because they all lived by it.

But things had changed coming here. She had let people into her life, that, somewhere along the line and without her truly realizing it, had managed to sneak their way just as close to her heart as her code was. Maybe even closer.

She had claimed she wouldn’t break her code and steal to uphold the deal with Tar. But now she wasn’t so sure that claim would have survived a refusal of the Friar to hand the map over.
No, that wasn’t true.
She knew it wouldn’t have. Because she had no doubt that Tar would not consider their deal complete before he had his whole stupid map. That other part she was sure she would not get by just talking. And yes. She was very much considering to steal it. Simply because she needed it for a chance to help Islana. Her piuthar bheag. Family, not by blood, but in every way that mattered. She was just that important.

Alexis closed her eyes, her hand unconsciously wandering to her dagger, resting on it.

‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.’
That just seemed to be her lot these days, pulled into different directions by matters equally precious to her. A battle at each crossroad she stood.

For this particular crossroad however, the battle was already fought. She acknowledged that now.

‘I’m sorry, father. I’ll continue to disappoint you…’

If breaking his oath would have somehow given her father a chance at saving her mother when illness took her, even a minuscule one, would he have done it? A part of her liked to think that he would have.
No way to know. He was gone. Unavailable to give advice. Unavailable to scorn her transgressions. There was only her.

And if she was going to curse herself no matter which way she turned, she might as well take her own damn advice and listen to her heart.