Veil Of Shame

JP with Omni and Lorem

He thought he was lucid dreaming. It was Voah’s voice and she was here. He didn’t believe it and didn’t reply.

But then he felt a physical presence. He shifted reflexively, bracing his back into the tent as if moving away from the wave coming up on the beach because you didn’t want to get wet. His left hand quickly went to his eye wrapping and lifted it up. His attention returned from the stupor he was soaking in.

His vision was blurry from all the dried tears and his eyes needed a second to adjust from coming out of darkness. It was someone in armor, a stranger perhaps here to end his existence. The part of him that believed in self preservation wanted to act; however, the melancholy had dulled his desire to move.

It was her voice though. “Voah?” He looked confused. Was his mind playing tricks on him.

She nodded. “Yes. It’s me…”

Voah first removed the helmet, revealing her tangled golden locks, then she unclasped the metallic mask that covered her nose and mouth. Her eyes searched his. He had been crying.

“I should never have left you… I should have just gone away with you like you said but I was… I am… so afraid.”

Gonyaul sat up slightly. He sniffled and wiped his face with his long sleeves. He tried to smile, but it was weak. He simply nodded to her words.

“Forgiven … It good see you.” He managed in a whisper. Was it really forgiven, that was unclear based on his current state. This was not the chipper rabbit she left that would bounce back from anything. He was downtrodden and the twinkle in his eyes was barely noticeable.

He was having a hard time making eye contact. As if there was a veil of shame clouding them.

“What have I done to you?” she cried, grabbing his face tenderly with both hands, trying to find those eyes. She had no way of knowing what he had gone through just earlier today and over the past week.

The guilt was overwhelming.

He felt limp as she grabbed his face. His eyes still trying to avoid eye contact. The tender touch was familiar and it sent a message to his heart, but the door was currently closed.

“No you.” Once again unclear if that were so.

“I no know what doing anymore.” He paused, his eyes began to water again, though he might be dehydrated because they were struggling to produce moisture.

“I … no good enough.”

It was rare, if ever, to have heard a limiting belief come out of his mouth. He sat up more and brought his hands up to her forearms so she wasn’t carrying him by the head. He curled up to be smaller and protective of himself.

She shook her head on protest, “No, Yaii’jajiin. The opposite is true. You are too good to be real.”

She unpacked a waterskin from her belt. “Here. Please take some water, Bu’ja.”

He complied with the water, his base needs were still listening. He did not accept her first statement. He made eye contact briefly. His expression showed distress. Then he looked away again.

“Home send me away. You send away. Odsier send away. World think me fool and want gone. …nnn…. “

He choked up and had trouble continuing as he thought about what was spinning in his meditation before she arrived.

“I just want to belong.” He coughed from the crying and tried wiping his face again; this was embarrassing.

“But no feel I belong anywhere.” He didn’t realize how right that declaration may actually be in this cruel world.

It was absolutely heartbreaking to see her beautiful, confident, optimistic, companion in tatters and it made her angry at herself and the rest of the world.

“You do belong. You belong with me. I am sorry that I failed to see it sooner. This world is blind and foolish if they cannot accept you.”

Gonyaul timidly looked up from the assertiveness of her words, as if there was a part of him fighting to claw back up from the pit of despair. He made eye contact and was looking to see if what she said was true or false.

His gaze kept wavering. One second he would see her eyes and then the next Tiponi’s. He closed his eyes slowly, when he did so what moisture had built in his eyes descended down his cheeks as a droplet racing down pre-made trails for tears.

It had been a week and he had already thought Voah was out of his life for good and had started to move on to a point of willing to marry. He felt even more ashamed now. ‘How many foolish things had he done just to try and find a home’ a poisonous voice whispered in his thoughts trying to make him doubt as many past decisions as possible.

“I no trust me. Heart is unclear.” His eyes opened wide as if he had a sudden epiphany.

“I lost from kagim.” That was another nail in the coffin.

Now Voah’s eyes failed to meet their mark, ashamed. She sat in front of him and held his hands, then took a sip from the waterskin too.

“So then we have something in common.” she tried with a little levity.

He nodded staring off into space as if haunted by a future that would never be and a hope that he would never be able to fulfill. She could hear his breathing slowing and deepening. His hands relaxed in her grip. Gonyaul was at least starting to calm down.