Bestial Friends

I never was much good at history at school. Tell you the truth I was never much good at anything at school.
I spent the least amount of time in that long, old-fashioned brick prison as I could. It was a pretty miserable time for me, “best days of your life” my arse. While life outside its red walls was great, time spent inside was about as much fun as a cocktail umbrella to the urethra. Used to wonder who had the toughest sentence: Jacob for being bullied, or me for being… not so good at reading an’ that. Seeing as how I spent less than half the time there that I was supposed to, I reckon it was him. He loved some of it though, Jakey, the information side of things - brainy little bastard. I only loved the girls.

Yep, Jacob would’ve known what was going on for sure, historically speaking, whereas I didn’t have much of a clue. One thing’s certain, though: Ain’t used to poncing about in these fancy type of clothes.
I say ‘fancy’, weird’s more like it. ‘Least I was allowed dark coloured breeches, though, sort of green, and they’re bad enough. How have I found myself in a time period where it’s normal to wear cream coloured, over-tight, man-leggings? If I wanted the world to gawp at my genitals I’d acquire a dirty mac and get flashing.

I am – what’s it Phi says? – Out of my Comfort Zone. So when me and Jamie was attacked I welcomed a bit of normal stuff – you know, the wormy bodysnatchers, or whatever they are. I’m more used to that kind of thing. Give me a wriggly-mouthed host over breeches, any day of the week.

At least Cass is okay. I still haven’t got used to her chopped off hair - poor little waif. Dunno if she still got a problem with me for liking a drink, ain’t been much time to ask. Pretty sure she didn’t appreciate me telling her to smeg off at the suggestion of certain additions to my ensemble, though. Tactful, Solvay. On a similar note, not sure if Jade the mini-doc has still got a bee in her bonnet, either, after the whole stopping it before it started thing.

Women angry at me? Story of my life, pal.

Jaxx is a skutter in sheep’s clothing, Plisken is a girl and Eve seems to be turning to the Robosexual Side. With the return of Cass comes the return of the sexual tension between her and Jay. Jamie’s looking dapper, Jade’s looking bemused, Katrina’s looking shrewd, Artemis and Boyd are both looking wild yet, I dunno… Dashing?
As for me, a mirror glance had told me I looked like an idiot. A tired, dark-waistcoat-wearing, white f’ckin’ blouse and cravatted, olive-legginged, idiot.
I like the boots. Refuse to wear the hat.

As for the situation we’re in, got to get to town for some fair or something. Evelina and a trundling Jaxx took some of us towards a stable to look for transport. Funny that, being lead by a sheep…
Worried about Jaxx’s (some might say) not-entirely-credible disguise I walked up front with them to try and cover him a bit. Thought it’d buy me time for a smoke, too. As I lit up, the woolly one issued an electro-bleat. Not sure what it meant.

Once inside, an enthusiastic and over-speedy Jaxx (probably still thought he was Indiana Jones) soon found his claw wedged into a stall partition. As Eve collapsed into a heap of not-unpleasant giggles, I tried to help, tugging him out as best I could without doing damage, by grabbing his ‘haunches’ and giving the ole yank-wiggle.

“Pull me.” He requested, sounding a bit like a Speak & Spell. Unfortunately, to a nearby couple of wide-eyed stable hands, it looked like we were up to something… Else.

“Oi, ‘Orace… Whoiy’s ‘e shaggin’ that sheep?”
Horace shrugged.
“Dunno. Dandy prick.”

I gave them a warning glare and continued my Jaxx waggling.

Some of the other Dwarfers had piled in by now.

“Solvay, stop smeggin’ around.” Jay’s face was flushed and it warped into a sort of curious but resigned eyebrow quirk. He gestured mutely, questioning.
“I was just-” I started.

“I don’t think I want to know what you ‘was just’.” He said.
Jade, standing next to him, blinked.
“Where’s Eastlick?” Continued a tired-as-I-felt-looking Chrysler.
I shrugged. “I dunno.”
“Didn’t you share a room?”
Someone sniggered.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, mid-yank.
Cass rolled her eyes.
"It means" Jay return-grumbled "I thought you’d know where he was.”
I shrugged again and went back to sheep shoving. “Ain’t his keeper.” I informed him, trying not to drop the cigarette out of my mouth as I spoke - I had a feeling Jaxx was currently highly flammable.
“You headed back inside together…” someone pointed out.
“Yeah, to help people out…”
“Methinks the lady doth protest too much” the same someone commented.
I’m not 100% sure who the someone was, didn’t have time to look ‘cause Jaxx's 'claw' chose that moment to break free, and we rocketed backwards across the stall, crashing into the parallel partition. I smacked my head and Jaxx winded me with a heavy and suspiciously angled rump to the stomach. Somehow my cig stayed put as I groaned through it. If the commenter had been Plisken, well, that was rich, calling me a lady, given his/her current predicament.

“Right, well,” Jay ran his hands through his hair and united them in a sort of locked prayer pose, tapping his fingers impatiently against his lips as I shoved Jaxx off and rubbed my bruises. Finished? His eyebrow seemed to say, and he removed the prayer-hands from his lips to continue. “… We-”
Out of a hay-strewn corner, Artie fair bounded over. “Yes! Yes, Lanky Locks!” He sounded excited. Jaxx bleated in surprise, and I wondered if he was taking his sheep role a little too seriously.
“We have discovered the interlopers' signal" informed the scientist, "and we thought that if I, that is, I, you and Mr Eastlick, could zhuzh up my MS scanner,” he stroked it, as if worried about handing it to anyone else, and now I spotted Eastlick who was in the neighbouring stall. “Zhuzh up?” He was mouthing to himself.
I realised Artie was still talking. “… and construct an antenna, we could triangulate-“ To emphasise triangulate, he slapped the partition enthusiastically. My head bounced off it and throbbed. "Eurrrggh."

“… Triangulate what?” A strange voice sliced through the excited, impatient air.
I realised it was one of the goggling stable-hands. I’d forgotten about them. A waxy sheen had come over his face.

Here we go…

“Er, guuyys…” came a robotic monotone .
“Not now Jaxx” snapped Jay.
“Indeed!” Agreed Artemis. “Time is of the essence… We must-”
“Se-rious-ly… Guuyys…” droned the skutt-sheep.

I broke my gaze from where it had returned to rest on Artie's hair, and looked over to see the second stable hand and several more staff we’d obviously missed, creeping towards us. They looked like they were about to attempt their letchy, leechy, Kiss of Life on several of the Dwarfers.

“Not again…”

Everyone snapped into action.

Except me.
I finished me fag first.

----
----