RE: [JMC_Blue_Dwarf] Seymour - \"Queen problems\"

<SNIP>Two fighter craft, both the same size as the Starbug appeared in the sky. They physically materialised there as they were beamed into atmosphere from their hangers below. Another materialised in front of them and just hung there.
"Humans are sworn enemies of the Mollopod people and must die!" Was all they heard through the Starbug's speakers before a blast of energy was fired into them, and destroyed one of the engines.
</SNIP>
 
"Are people always happy this happy to see you?" Dai wailed as the Starbug began to spin.
 
Lester swung himself into the pilot's seat and SNIDE danced onto the controls beside him.
 
"What do we do? W-we're g-going to die!" Lester wailed, "shut up!" He retorted to himself, "SNIDE, cut the power to the engines. We'll have to use thrusters to get under control."
 
"Um," Seymour contributed helpfully. He staggered into the navigator's seat, Alota in one hand and punched up a communications channel. "Attention Mollopod cruisers, this is Royal Ambassador Seymour Niples. You are firing on a diplomatic mission! We have a very important passenger onboard: Queen Brittany of Great Britain. There, what do you think of that you crazy, trigger-happy, blubbery, slime-ridden molluscs! Firing on our ship is an act of war!"
 
There was a pause, then the radio crackled again: "Flattery will get you nowhere and as far as we can tell: we ARE at war!" Then there came whispered conversation. During the lull Lester fought to get the Starbug stable again. The Mollopod captain came back on again. "Queen Brittany, really? The one with the amazing mammary glands?"
 
Brittany looked to Seymour who was frowning puzzled, she indicated her boobs and Seymour sighed. "Yes, that's the one."
 
"Right. We've been talking and well.. we like the look of them."
 
"Really?" Seymour looked across at Brittany who was smirking triumphantly.
 
"Yeah, so if you hand them over we'll let you go."
 
"Never, I shall never hand over my Queen!" Seymour declared.
 
"Not her..." the Mollopod began.
 
"You shall never take her Majesty," Seymour was in full swing, his eyes gazing into the middle distance. One could almost hear the strains of "Land of Hope and Glory" as he spoke: "You can bomb us out of existence..."
 
"True..."
 
"You can capture us and subject us to evil tortures..."
 
"Welll yes but..."
 
"You can attempt to break us into tiny pieces but you will never take my Queen, not while there's breath in my body!"
 
"We don't WANT your Queen!"
 
"Oh. What do you want then?"
 
"Just her mammaries..." another hushed conversation then: "they are real aren't they?"
 
"YES THEY SMEGGING WELL ARE!" Her Majesty screeched.
 
"Right, well you sit tight and we'll come get them. Cor, I'm looking forward to this. Hey, they're not lactating are they?"
 
"NOOOO!"
 
"Shame, really adds to the flavour," the Captain cut the signal.
 
"Moving in to docking range, aren't they?" Dai reported.
 
"Smeg," Seymour paced up and down, absently rocking Alota while Brittany held her arms defensively across herself. "Right, time to break out the weapons. How many bazookoids do we have?"
 
"None," Lester reported as he finished stabilising the 'Bug.
 
"None?"
 
"Yep, counted them twice too."
 
"Escape pods?"
 
"One."
 
"Great!"
 
"Out of order."
 
"Laser pistols?"
 
"Nope."
 
"Photon rifles?"
 
"Ah, I got a couple of them from TransMed before it all went bananas."
 
"Great!"
 
"No power packs though."
 
"Smeg!"
 
"Yup. S-so w-we are g-going to die? Yup. A-aren't you sc-scared? I don't have time to be scared. Tell you what, you be scared for both of us? O-okay." Lester sat in thought, chewing a nail, occassionally his other self whimpered unhelpfully.
 
There came a loud metallic clang as the Mollopod ship docked and Lester stood up.
 
"Do you have a plan?" Seymour asked hopefully.
 
"No," Lester said, "downstairs, now. He does have a plan, I'm sure he's just pretending to look cool. If you say so. You don't have a plan? No. Not a one. Let's see what we can do in the cargo bay and engine rooms. Dai, there's a welding torch over there, think you can seal the airlock?"
 
"Champion welder, aren't I?" Dai grabbed the torch and a mask and began sealing the airlock shut. "Won't hold them for long, will it? I hope you have got a plan, young man."
 
"I'm making this up as I go, let's get below deck. Bring the torch."
 
"Coming, aren't I?"
 
* * *
 
Dai was welding the door shut behind them as Lester paced about the small cargo/ engine bay. Normally used for transporting mined ore back to the ship, this was empty except for a few metal packing crates that, according to the computer label used to carry several hundred rubber ducks.
 
Seymour came through a doorway from the fore-section. "There's nothing there but a couple of manky looking spacesuits."
 
"Just two?" Seymour asked.
 
"Yes and they're not looking great. Holes and everything."
 
"Dai?"
 
"Yes boyo?"
 
"Got any gaffer tape?"
 
"I wouldn't be much of an engineer if I didn't carry the Force with me, would I?"
 
"The force?" Brittany echoed.
 
"Gaffer tape: it has a light side and a dark side, it can do almost anything and most of the time it binds the Universe together, doesn't it?"
 
"I don't get it," Brittany said, but Lester was grinning. He took the tape from Dai and said: "much she has to learn, hmm?"
 
"Dai," Lester indicated the largest packing crate, "can you start welding these up, make them space-worthy?"
 
"I can make them airtight, but heating will be a problem. Why, what are you planning?"
 
"Nothing yet, no plan. Just an idea," Lester crossed to the engine. "You, are you there? Who me? Yes you. Can you wire this thing to explode? S-sure. I c-can override the s-safeties a-and d-disable the... yeah great. Do it. Give us... twenty minutes. S-sure. Oh and put a big red timer on the display."
 
"Anything I can do?" Brittany asked. Lester looked down at her. He was thinking and his faded blue eyes were intense on her face. His gaze seemed to bore into her. Then he simply smiled:
 
"Wrap up warm: blankets, coats, anything you can find. You need to keep you, Seymour and the baby warm."
 
"Full of packing pellets, isn't it?" Dai yelled over the sound of his welding torch. "Less air, but more heat, isn't it?"
 
"Fish some of it out," Lester said, pleased that Dai could see where he was going with this. "About half."
 
"What the smeg are you planning here?" Seymour asked.
 
"No plan. Just winging it," Lester said while Dai raised the last plate to be welded onto the packing case. He crossed the room and grabbed two large CO2 fire extinguishers and placed them down beside the external hatch. Then he took Seymour by the elbow and guided him to the case. "In, quickly. Argue and I'll punch you out and put you in."
 
"What?" Seymour looked terrified into Lester's eyes, but he could see the guy was serious, he handed Alota over, climbed into the packing pellets and wriggled down into the case. There wasn't much room. Lester handed Alota down to Seymour's arms and then turned to Queen Brittany. Suddenly there came a ringing crash from upstairs.
 
"In we get your Majesty," he said, he could see realisation dawn in Brittany's eyes.
 
"We won't have enough air," she whimpered.
 
"Trust me," he said. "Yes, trust him," he added.
 
"OK. You two have been alright so far..." she reached up and kissed the lanky technician on the cheek, then climbed into the metal packing case with Seymour. "Oi! Watch where you're putting your hand, Mr. Ambassador. That's treason that is!"
 
"SNIDE," Lester held the robot up to his face, "look after them. All three of them. But if you have to: kill and eat Seymour first," he tossed the robot into the packing case just as an indignant Seymour shouted: "Oi!"
 
Lester and Dai lowered the lid and Dai started welding. Lester dashed into the next room and came back with the ragged spacesuits. He rapidly gaffer taped up the worst of the holes just as a clang from upstairs told them the Mollopods were in.
 
The men scrambled to fit their helmets as the Mollopod soldiers slithered their way up to the door. Lester clamped on his helmet and waved cheerily to them through the glass in the door. The Mollopods raised their weapons and fired, the door evaporated in seconds, sending bits of metal flying through the room. Lester and Dai raised their bright red fire extinguishers defensively.
 
"Hold it there humans, where are the delicious mammeries? Hand them over and we'll let you go free."
 
"I'm afraid I've turned her into spam," Lester shouted to be heard through the helmet, then he reached out a gloved hand and slapped the auto-release control on the external hatch.
 
* * *
 
The green hull of the Starbug parted and with a faint "PFFT" only audible to the dramatically licensed, five forms shot out into the darkness of space. The two Mollopod soldiers writhed in the unexpected vacuum and cold before exploding messily. The small packing case tumbled over and over and the tiny space suited figures fell after them.
 
Lester wiped Mollopod goo from his visor and checked his oxygen levels. Apparently "OK" was a level lost to distant memory and it had descended through "low" to "nothing" and finally settled on "morbidity". He held the extinguisher in front of him and fired a blast of compressed CO2, pushing him into the packing case. As they spun end over end, Lester tried to time it right and fired a long blast just as the Starbug circled back into view. The reaction shot them away from the Starbug but far too slowly. Suddenly Dai was alongside him and together they blasted the packing case as far away from the 'bug as possible. First Lester's extinguisher died, then Dai's rapidly followed. They let the shiny red cylinders go and floated gently through space.
 
"Well," Dai said after thirty seconds of drifting. "This is nice."
 
* * *
 
Mollopod section leader Herpes slid down the hand rail of the stairs to the lower levels of the human craft. Sensors had reported sudden decompression on the human craft and when the boarding party hadn't checked in he decided to investigate himself. There were several destroyed and damaged hatch doors on the way so clearly the humans had barricaded themselves in. Herpes prepared himself for the worst. He found an emergency bulkhead blocking his way.
 
"Buboe," he called to his technician, "get me access to the security cameras. I want to know what's going on behind this bulkhead!"
 
Within seconds Buboe handed his superior a small display screen. Herpes ran a slimy hand over it then nearly gagged on his own external digestive juices. "Retreat! Retreat!" They slimed and slurped their way up the steps. They squidged and squelched through the upper levels. They rolled and gloamed and blubbered their way to the hatch.
 
The Starbug engines exploded. A searing ball of blue-white light expanded outwards from the Starbug, engulfing the docked ship and vapourising it almost instantly. It roared outwards and caught the second Mollopod ship, collapsing its shields and damaging its hull. It struck the packing crate and sent it tumbling outwards into the depths of space...
 
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