When you've got to go... have a cup of tea

Where: No where. Or maybe just Lester's brain.When: No when. Or maybe just now. Or maybe never.Who: Lester. Well one of them. We're pretty sure of that."Hmmm," Lester murmured softly. "White. Tasteful, but boring."
That's all there was. Just white, no light, no shadow, although in true movie-style convention, Lester realised he could see himself. He flexed both hands... fleshy skin for the pair, which was new. Or old. He was wearing a smart, simple suit and ... oh yeah, no implants.
WELCOME.
Lester turned. It was odd, because the voice was there, in his head, yet definitely coming from behind him.A dark, shrouded figure sat comfortably in an armchair that was really only a few bits of filigree away from being designated a full on throne. A small occasional table sat nearby, holding a china teaset.
"Who the smeg are you supposed to be?"
LET'S SEE: ROBES BLACKER THAN THE DARKEST OF NIGHTS, SLENDER BUILD, EYELESS SOCKETS, TOOTHY GRIN. OH AND A SCYTHE. I SUPPOSE I MUST BE THE EASTER BUNNY."You should know: I don't really believe in things like you. Or the Easter Bunny," Lester said confidentally, stepping closer to the personification of mortality. The tea smelled inviting enough.
A SHAME. HE BELIEVES IN YOU.
"Seriously?"
NO. THE EASTER BUNNY IS MADE UP. Death grinned. It was all he could do.
"Well some would say the Grim Reaper was made up too," Lester shrugged. "I'm unconscious, delirious and hallucinating quietly in a coma."IF YOU LIKE. DOES IT MAKE IT EASIER?"Not really. Oh smegging hell," Lester sighed like a tired bellows, "it's that stupid implant isn't it?" He tapped his temple angrily, "it's buggered and now I'm dying slowly while talking to figments of my imagination."
DO YOU NORMALLY IMAGINE DEATH?"What? I don't know. No. Never really thought about it."HOW DO YOU KNOW?"What?"YOU KNOW YOUR NAME. THEY LET YOU KEEP THAT, AT LEAST. BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER YOUR LIFE BEFORE YOU WOKE UP SHARING A BODY. YET YOU ARE SURE OF YOUR BELIEF SYSTEM?"Bugger off," Lester said with a hint of malice.I CAN'T. I HAVE A DUTY TO PERFORM. Death stood up, rising from the chair to his full seven-feet, reached into his robes and produced what looked like the result of a high-speed collision between a wine-glass set, a sand-pit and an antique spice rack. He placed it, slightly awkwardly on the table and sat down again."Is that supposed to be me?" Lester pointed at the timer, "is that supposed to be my life trickling away?"IT WAS, Death sighed despondently, IT WAS ALL PLANNED OUT. THEN SOMEONE, HOW DID YOU PUT IT? BUGGERED ABOUT WITH IT."What?"YOU ARE SHARING ONE LIFE WITH TWO SOULS. IT IS MUDDYING THE WATERS, FROM AN EXISTENTIAL POINT OF VIEW."Two souls?" Lester squinted suspiciously, "rubbish. I don't know why I'm having this conversation! You're not real, HE's certainly not real. I'm off." Lester turned and stalked away, walking straight into the back of Death's armchair. He struggled around it, nearly colliding with the table and gawped at the strangeness of it all. If he turned 180 degrees, he could see Death facing him. Death gave a little wave. If he turned back, he was standing behind the chair and Death had to lean forward and crane around to see him.WHY DO YOU SAY HE IS NOT REAL? HE HAS LED YOUR LIFE FOR SOME TIME NOW. HE HAS MADE FRIENDS...
"No he hasn't! His only friend shot us!"
WELL... HE HAS OBTAINED A WORTHWHILE JOB IN THE ...
"No he hasn't! He just buggers about with droids."
HE HAS DONE ALL THOSE THINGS THAT HUMANS DO THAT DEFINES THEM AS HUMAN. HE DID NOT ASK TO BE BROUGHT INTO EXISTENCE, YET HERE HE IS.
"I'm sorry, do you - some part of my bizarre subconscious - want me to feel sorry for a fake bit of my personality?" Lester sat down on a conveniently placed, previously non-existant footstool and scowled.
I AM NOT PART OF YOU. Death said, offering a cup of tea, AND I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO BE SORRY FOR HIM. I AM MERELY HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR FATES ARE INTERTWINED, MORE SO THAN MOST.
"It's like having a retarded siamese twin," Lester said, accepting a biscuit to go with his tea. "He's so... awkward. What makes it worse is that someone made him that way. Someone made... my antithesis!"
IT IS CERTAINLY A POETIC SENTENCE.
"See, every time I think about him, it's in terms of prison or a jailer. Even you, this new bit of me cracking up."
I AM NOT YOU. Death said again, patiently.
"Yeah, yeah, just drop it ok. Have I died again?"
AH, THERE I CAN BE VERY DEFINITE, Death flicked the mangled hourglasses on the table, A COOLANT CYLINDER EXPLODED ABOVE YOUR HEAD YOU INHALED AN INFUSION OF COROMITE GAS AND AIR CAUSING AN INSTANTANEOUS ANEURISM. IT EVAPORATED SEVERAL SECONDS LATER BUT NOT BEFORE SHUTTING DOWN YOUR BRAIN.
"Is he riding around in charge now?"
THE DRUDGE-CLASS PROGRAMMER: LESTER SEVENTEEN-DOT-PHELPS TOOK OVER ALMOST INSTANTLY, REROUTING KEY NEURONES AND SYNAPSES WITH THE INTEGRATED IMPLANTS. IT'S LIKELY THE PROGRAM SAVED YOUR LIFE.
"Huh," Lester snorted.
HAD HE NOT, YOU WOULD NOW BE MOST ASSUREDLY DEAD. THE PAIR OF YOU. AS IT IS YOU ARE NOW BOTH SUPPORTING EACH OTHER IN VARYING WAYS. YOU HAVE SAVED EACH OTHER NUMEROUS TIMES.
"Really?"
THE SNIDE ROBOT, HIS PERSONALITY CHIP IS A REFLECTION OF YOU. IT WAS HE WHO LED THE OTHER LESTER TO ABANDON SHIP EN-ROUTE TO BLUE DWARF. HAD HE NOT DONE THAT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DESTROYED IN A CATACLYSMIC ENCOUNTER WITH AN ION STORM IN THE DEVARII SECTOR.
"Seriously?"
I AM ALWAYS SERIOUS... MOSTLY. YOU ALSO SAVED AMBASSADOR NIPLES WHEN YOU INHALED MOST OF THE CLOUD. DID YOU MEAN TO DO THAT BIT?
"You could just be making this up," Lester retorted, "I mean, you're me. A bit of me that's broken off and is now floating around on its own."
I AM NOT YOU. IN FACT I FIND YOU VERY DISTASTEFUL.
"What?"
Death sighed, he hadn't meant to get cross and he certainly found people he was almost happy to help shuffle off the mortal coil. But emotion wasn't part of the job. He took young and old, good and evil alike. However, Lester had riled him.
WHEN HUMANS SAVE OTHER HUMANS' LIVES THEY TEND TO DO SO FOR A REASON. MONEY. LOVE. PRIDE. SELFLESSNESS. YOU DO IT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IS REQUIRED AT THAT MOMENT. THEN WHEN IT IS DONE YOU CATEGORISE IT. YOU ARCHIVE THE MEMORY AND MOVE ON. YOU HAVE THE CAPACITY TO GREATLY ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND IN SO DOING BRING GREAT JOY TO OTHERS. INSTEAD YOU TREAT LIFE LIKE AN EXERCISE; A SCHOOL-ROOM EXAM WHICH YOU ARE TRYING TO SCORE POINTS FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN GAINING THE CERTIFICATE AT THE END. AT LEAST THE SO-CALLED FAKE YOU DOES THINGS BECAUSE HE ENJOYS THEM!
Lester simply stared. Death grinned all the time, his face was a skull, but there was an air, a feeling around him as if he was radiating sheer annoyance. Eventually Lester swallowed in a dry throat."Is that what you've come to do? Lecture me on my psychological flaws?"
SORRY, WAS I LECTURING YOU? I REALLY SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED, Death sighed. I'VE BEEN WATCHING HUMANS FOR SO LONG. TURNING UP FOR TRAGIC LOVE AFFAIRS, BRAVE LAST STANDS, MISUNDERSTANDINGS ON A GRAND SCALE AND TINY LITTLE ACCIDENTS INVOLVING INCORRECT MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY. I HAVE SEEN THE GAMUT OF HUMAN STUPIDITY AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE REALISED?
"That people are stupid?"
YES. BUT SO MUCH MORE. THEY ARE TINY, SO VERY VERY SMALL IN THE NIGHT. THEY ARE AN INFINITESIMAL SPECK ON AN INFINITESIMAL PLANET IN A MUCH LARGE UNIVERSE WHICH IS JUST ONE OF SEVERAL AND YET YOU MAKE IT ALL MATTER.
Lester didn't say anything. It seemed a bit unfair that part of his own mind had decided to detach itself long enough to whinge in a thoroughly emo way at him about nothing much. But Death seemed to want to get something off his chest so Lester let him carry on.
WHY DO YOU GO ON, LESTER PHELPS? WHEN YOU HAVE SEEN SO MUCH DEATH; BEEN KILLED YOURSELF EVEN? WHY DO YOU GET BACK UP AND KEEP CRAWLING ONWARDS INTO THE DARK?
Lester thought about this. He wasn't thinking about the answer, he'd always known it, instead he was considering how to phrase it.
"To beat you," he said eventually, then noisily finished his tea.
BUT NO-ONE CAN BEAT ME. I AM THE ONLY CERTAINTY. THERE'S ME AND TAXES, AND I'M THE ONLY WAY OUT OF TAXES.
"Chris Zodar beat you," Lester said then froze.
AH, CHIVVIED YOU ALONG HAS IT? I FIND CHAMOMILE TEA A MARVELOUS RESTORATIVE. CERTAINLY IT HELPS UNBLOCK THOSE LONG UNUSED MENTAL PATHWAYS. Death stood up, dusted biscuit crumbs from his robe and picked up his scythe from where it had been leaning on the armchair. OF COURSE THAT COULD JUST BE AN EFFECT OF THE ANEURISM. SAME AS ME.
"But you've been insisting you were real all this time!"
I HAVE. IT IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE THAT I AM BOTH REAL AND IMAGINED. ONE DOES NOT NECESSARILY PRECLUDE THE OTHER.
"What?"
HAVE YOU EVER HELD JUSTICE, BOUGHT A PARCEL OF TIME OR FOUND LOVE IN A BOX.
"Well... " Lester began.
PLEASE DON'T BE SMUTTY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. HUMANS HAVE AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE ORBITING SOLELY AROUND THEIR HEADS. DOES THIS PERSON LIKE ME? WILL I EVER BE FAMOUS OR SUCCESSFUL? WHAT CLOTHES LOOK GOOD ON ME? YOU ARE FASCINATINGLY MUNDANE.
"Cheers."
WELL, DUTY CALLS. AND I AM LATE ALREADY.
"Right, what happens now?"
FINISH THE TEA IF YOU LIKE, THERE'S MORE IN THE POT.
"You're not here for me?"
OH, BELIEVE IN ME NOW, DO WE?
"Let's just say I'm open to possibilities."
NO, I'M NOT HERE FOR YOU. YOU SUPER-HEATED TWO PILOTS AND TEN COMMANDOS IN A HOVERCRAFT, TURNING THEM INTO FUSED GLASS, EARLIER. THEY'VE BEEN WAITING ON THE BEACH EVER SINCE. I MUST GO.
Death began to stalk away.
"Wait a second," Lester ran after him, "what you said earlier about the other one..."
ABOUT HIS SOUL?
"Yeah. Did you mean that? He's got a soul?"
WHAT IS A SOUL? WHEN YOU DIE WHAT REMAINS? WHAT DEFINES YOUR EXISTENCE?
"Death?"
YES?
"Will I remember any of this?"
YOU WILL REMEMBER WHAT YOU MUST, Death grinned. SEE YOU AGAIN SOON, LESTER PHELPS. The apparition faded.
Lester looked gloomily around the sparse whiteness, then down at the tea. He settled into Death's chair and poured a fresh cup. He wondered how long it would be before he woke up.Share your photos with Windows Live Photos - Free Try it Now!