The annoyances of Jack and Seymour

Where: jack's quarters
who: jack, Seymour and a glimpse of John
when: Just after returning from the Beer retrieval mission.
*** This post brought to you by Jack (SMAndy) and Seymour (Onion)
*****
Jack walked down the corridor to his quarters, the first thing he
wanted to do was have a well deserved lay down on his bed he opened
the door to find Seymour stood there with a teapot in his hand
"care for some tea?" Seymour asked, offering Jack a cup. But Jack
stood there, no emotion showing on his face at all. He looked
around at the lack of swords, or damage he had made with his sword.
"what... have... you... done?!?!?" Jack erupted, lunging at Seymour,
sword drawn, pinning the culprit against the wall, with the tip of
his blade at Seymours neck. he looked around to see everything
arranged into neat piles, with frilly doileys underneath, a big
watercolour of the Queen on the wall.
"calm down dear!" said Seymour.
"calm down? you want me to calm down?!?!?!" jack continued, touching
Seymours neck now with cold metal. A look of pure hatred on his
face.
"It took me months to get it how i liked it. Has John seen it yet?"
he asked, a twitch appearing on his face, as the urge to kill
swelled up inside him.
"how much is that picture worth?" he asked, motioning to the big
watercolour.
"I merely tidied up the place!" Said Seymour. "You should have seen
the mold growing in your shower!"
"and the dirty things under the bed, but I've removed it now"
"you threw out my porn?!" Jack yelled, the tip of his blade so close
to drawing blood
"And smell that, it now smells fresh and clean" Seymour said,
spraying some more fabreeze around, making Jack cough.
Jack covered his face with his hands in disbelief that this was
happening. "Why? WHY are you even here? This is my room!"
"Ah, you see my ambassadorial quarters were badly damaged in the
invasion, it was all utterly disgusting and not proper for someone
of my standing to live in conditions like that, so I moved in with
you- you should be honoured of course.
...I suppose you're honoured that I chose you, out of all the other
worthless commoners on this ship!"
jack raised an eyebrow. "i should be... honoured?" there is no
honour in this!"
...and gripped his sword again
"you waltz in here, uninvited, and RUIN THE ENTIRE ATMOSPHERE OF THE
ROOM!!!"
Jack looked up at the plush picture of the queen. "this is what i
think of the honour" he said, stepping back.
He raised his sword above his head, and severed the head from the
picture of the queen.
"Do I really have to have HER staring at me?"
"The Queen is a symbol to us all of honour and pride..."
"Can't we have the OTHER pictures the queen took for FHM on the wall
instead?"
"NOOO! don't do that! its a valuable art piece!" seymour cried,
leaping to catch the parts of the picture. But before he oculd get
to them, jack was busy doing the job normally reserved for a paper
shredder.
he sat on them. "beds are for sleeping in, they're not meant to be
frilly! womens underwear is meant to be frilly!"
"really?" asked seymour, before finding his previous train of
thought again.
"Ah, that's MY bed!" Said Seymour. "I thought you wouldnt mind
sharing with Mr keats for a while. There IS a Royal AMbassador in
need after all"
Jack stood there for a second, in thought. suddenly he leapt to
action, or rather, fell to his knees in action. he pulled at the
carpet next to his bed, and pulled a metal plate from the floor.
"Ah, my new carpet!" Seymour yelled, but could only watch, the
slightest movement could set the sword wielding maniac on a
murderous rampage.
"Ahh! he said, you didn't get it all!" he added, producing a stack
of really old porn mags, including many more FHM's.
Jack pulled another small box out from the floor, and put it on his
bed, while he replaced the metal plate. He then returned to the
pile of mags, searching through the double page spreads for a
suitable pcture to hang in the position previously held by the
watercolour of queen Britney. The box on his bed was unguarded.
Seymour picked up and inspected the box curiously
Jack was too engrossed in a picture he had found, and began hanging
it up on the wall. "you want a picture of queen britney? hows this
one?" he asked, hanging a half nude picture of the queen in her
prime on the wall.
"Is this some kind of illegal substance? It is isnt it!... Are you
feeling alright?"
"You know theres a simple short course of pills to cure diabetes now
you know!" Seymour explained, but Jack wasn't listening.
"thats better." Jack said, turning back to the picture of the
Queen, "now, wheres my picture of the Samurai?" Jack said,
completely ignoring Seymour, and moved off in search of his
favourite picture
Seymour looked closely at the viales. "Oh jack these are filthy! I
know Dr keto doent keep the cleanest surgery, but these looke like
they;'ve been illegially smuggled aboard in someones rectum!"
He gingerly sniffed the viales and gagged. "Bloody hell! These smell
marginally worse than Ketos medication!"
Jack finally paid attention to Seymours comments. "What? theres no
mention of that in the JMC illegal substances list."
"yes, unfortunately theres no mention of nude pictures of young
Queens being brandished on crewmens walls, but I'm sure it SHOULD be
illegal!" Said seymour looking at the poster Jack had put up
Jack snatched the vial back. "I just need it okay?!" He stuffed
everything back in the box, and padlocked it.
At this point, the other owner of the room, John Keats returned. He
opened the door, took 2 steps in, and froze. He looked around,
trying to take it all in, then walked back out. Jack and Seymour
looked to the door, as John walked back in and blinked several times.
"wha?" he said.
<tag, tony! you're up...>