Niples-"The Deer-Stalker"

Who: Phil, Mini-Phil, McJohn, Anyone Else Present
Where: Cargo Deck, Crime Scene
When: After Keto removed the body
<CSI snip>
"It's as if she was just shot with...well, nothing. Nothing solid,
anyway. There're just gunshot wounds with no apparent fragments.
Like I say, I'm no forensics expert...but that doesn't seem right
somehow!"
"You're right," nodded Phil.
<end CSI snip>
An awkward silence and tension rang in the air. Nobody wanted to
speak, and nobody wanted to be the first to break the silence and
leave the crime scene, even despite the eeriness everyone felt there.
Suddenly kid-Phil turned his nose up at a foul smell. Echoing
footsteps could be heard and the distant theme music from Diagnosis
Murder grew louder. Then a figure came around the corner and entered
the cargo deck wearing a Deer-stalker hat with the sides tied under
his chin, and smoking a rather large ornate pipe.
The figure stood in the shadows and paused for dramatic effect as
the Diagnosis Murder music played. Then as the music faded away the
voice growled in a chilling tone. "Gentlemen, we have a case of ….
Muuuuuurderrrr. Muuurder most foul!"
Then suddenly the them for Murder she Wrote started playing. Seymour
stepped out of the shadows fighting with a tape recorder, he
accidentally fast forwarded it and played a few bars from Perry
Mason before turning it off.
"Lets look at the clues." Seymour said, annoyed at his failed
dramatics as people were now smirking at him.
"…We do not yet have a motive, but we do have a location, and that
location is the Blue Dwarf… so I heavily suggest suicide!"
"Erm.. Dude…. She was shot in the back!" Said Phil.
"Ahh that old chestnut." Seymour said putting the pipe to his lips
thoughtfully. He frowned, then quickly changed the subject.
"If you all may, follow me to the deceased's bedchambers" Seymour
announced, and turned on his heel, making sure that his long coat
swept majestically behind him.
***Jasmines Quarters***
The place looked tidy enough. Seymour stalked up and down the room
looking for clues.
"There is a motive to establish," Seymour prattled on. "For no crime
is unreasoned, I know the criminal mind you see, I myself when
younger studied the criminal mind and wrote and directed many murder
mystery theatrical productions…"
"Really?" Asked McJohn.
"Well, a school play…" Seymour admitted. Then as this sounded a bit
weak added "It was heralded the best dramatised production of a
criminal investigation ever to be acted by under 12's! Anyway I
digress… There must be a motive, can we establish if it was
monetarily based?"
He turned to a computer screen. "Holly, did Jasmine make any unusual
payments of late, maybe large outgoings of cash?"
Holly checked and reappeared moments later. "She did pay out $£3500
in the last week."
"Ahh!" Seymour said. "Now we are getting somewhere. Maybe Jasmine
was in trouble with the mafia, maybe she had a drug addiction she
couldn't pay for, maybe she lost a lot of money on poker…"
McJohn pondered this and then looked around to see a brand new audio
system in the room, still with the $£3500 price tag attached. "Erm..
I think maybe…"
"Not now McJohn! Leave this to the educated! This will take ample
pondering, miss Marple didn't solve the Mystery on the Orient
express in a day…"
"Wasn't that Poirot?"
"OF COURSE IT WAS POIROT! I was only checking! Anyway we must ask
ourselves, who would benefit from her death… maybe her boss Dr.
Keto, would not have to pay out such an expensive salary…." He
paused in thought. "Actually yes, who else would be able to remove
the bullets and make them mysteriously disappear other than our best
surgeon? Or maybe for another reason, Jasmine and Keto became close,
and Dean murdered her out of jealously?" He turned to Phil.
"Mr Febuggure, you must arrest both of these men immediately!"
"Oh yeah sure? Anyone else you want me to arrest other than the
chief doctor and a senior pilot? The Captain perhaps? The Chief
cook? What about Jay?"
"Ahh of course! Jay and Jasmine could have been having an affair, so
Alota and Dean pair up to kill Jasmine, Jay could be next, or Jay
could commit murder as a prelude to attack! Arrest them all! In
fact… there is evidence against you, the red chewing gum… noooo…
maybe it was YOU!"
Phil sighed and walked off, not being arsed to listen to the loony's
ramblings. Everyone else left, leaving Seymour irately preaching. "…
One thing is for certain, there is a murderer on this ship, we must
INTERROGATE EVERYBODY!"
Only McJohn was left in the room with him. Seymour shot him an are-
you-a-murderer? glance.
"So… where were you on the night of the crime?"
McJohn rolled his eyes and walked out.