Lt. Cmdr. Jason Smegg - "From bed to verse"
Our Blue Dwarf, sickbay
Immediately before the attack by the Evil Blue Dwarf
Smegg hadn't quite recovered from the effects of the Soma from his Nice
counterpart. Right now he sat on a bed in sickbay, attended by Dr. Keto.
"No, you can't have any more soma," the doctor said. "According to Lt.
MacKenzyyyy, who also received some of this drug, it is a highly
psychotropic drug that would have been banned in this universe if someone
had invented it here."
"But I feel bad!" Smegg pleaded. "I need soma!"
"I'm afraid I can't help you there," Keto explained, "but how about
consulting Dr. van der Trampp? She's an expert in drug recovery."
"There is no such person as Dr. van der Trampp!" Smegg shouted. "She's
just a mnemonic device to remember the French motion verbs that take être
instead of avoir in the past tense!"
Keto thought for a moment, then retorted, "And how many French verbs does
that help you remember, huh?"
While Smegg tried to decide whether to count action verbs, fight the pain
caused by the lack of soma, or come up with some reply, Keto rummaged
around and found a bottle of his most powerful ointment, the Venusian
Stun-Spore Extract. Putting on a pair of rubber gloves so as not to get
any on his hands, he opened the ointment jar and smeared some on Smegg's
forehead. Before Smegg could protest, he was knocked out.
10 minutes later
Dr. Ventrite entered sickbay as Smegg woke up.
"Help, I need soma," Smegg pleaded.
"You need soma, mon?" Ventrite asked. "Soma bad hoojoo, make you go all
gaga."
"I need it!"
"You be addicted to the stuff? Dat bad, mon. Lucky I have Ancient Remedy
for mind altering substances. Here, let me do dis." He moved closer and
made the sign of the cross over Smegg. "Eenominiepatris, etfeelie,
etspiritusancti, amen. Now, wait 10 minutes and you be all better."
"That's not an Ancient Remedy!" Smegg complained. "That's a Roman
Catholic blessing!"
"Ees too Ancient Remedy. Dem Catolic missionaries, dey hear Ancient
Venezuelan Remedy. Den dey make dere own prayer. Dey tink it Latin, but
really it Latin American! Hahahahaha!"
"Right," Smegg said sarcastically.
Then the ship rocked from the first attack from the evil Blue Dwarf.
"What was that?!" Smegg said. "Are we under attack again?"
"No, dat just de Avenging Brain Spirits coming to rid you of your
affliction!"
"Right....."
10 minutes later
Smegg did indeed feel better. It couldn't have been the witch doctor's
"Ancient Remedy", though. The soma must have completely worn off. That's
what witch doctors do anyway, he thought, take credit for when the
patient's going to get better anyway. He got up to Engineering. The place
was a mess - since that was where all the bare conduits were, it would
take the most visible damage during an attack. The question was, why
hadn't the ship's point-defense grid which he had installed for just this
type of incident been activated? Or had it, and the enemy was more
powerful? He asked an engineer on duty for a update and found out that
the ship was under attack from the Evil Blue Dwarf, a battleship from a
third dimension. No wonder the gauss cannons hadn't been used - they were
only useful against missiles and small fighter craft such as that Black
Nebula ship that had prompted the installation of the weapons.
Then he looked out the rear viewport and saw a giant Pikachu floating in
what appeared to be some sort of nebula...
What kind of situation is this?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One grizzled old sailor to another:
"Well, excuse me for saying so, 'Admiral' Phineas Q. Crunch,
but I still don't quite believe that yarn of yours
about the 'dreaded Cereal Pirates of Azhakbania'!"
________________________________________________________________
GET INTERNET ACCESS FROM JUNO!
Juno offers FREE or PREMIUM Internet access for less!
Join Juno today! For your FREE software, visit:http://dl.www.juno.com/get/tagj.