OT: From SE4 list, part 2

It's my sequel to the other thing from SE4 list. Even funnier, sort of
like my posts, that's why I sent both of them.
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--------- Forwarded message ----------
From: e.kolis@...
To: SE4@egroups.com
Date: Sun, 12 Nov 2000 18:10:15 -0500
Subject: Re: [SE4] OT; (moderatly) comical relief.
Message-ID: <20001112.181050.-404913.2.e.kolis@...>
(The tactical combat music from Master of Orion II begins playing, first
because it's so cool and second because I haven't heard the combat music
from SE4. A fighter swoops toward a space station.)
Fighter pilot: This is Alpha Niner calling science station Hermes.
Space station guy: Roger Alpha Niner, you are cleared for landing.
Wykan: Dammit Space Station Guy, why did you listen to me when I told you
to research coffeepots level IV?!
Space station guy: I dunno... We're picking up an Antaran battlecruiser
in sector 7! Divert full power to shields! Open all weapons interlocks!
Scramble all running crack! Or whatever I'm supposed to say! Oh my God
they killed Alpha Niner! THE BUG-EYED BASTARDS!!!
Director: CUT!!!
(Music stops, grinds to a halt, like in Monty Python & the holy grail.)
Director: We apologize for the previous scene. All those responsible have
been sacked.
(Music starts again. In this scene, about 60 fighters are pursuing a
heavy cruiser.)
Emperor Will: EVIL CLASS SEVEN HEAVY FIGHTERS OF THE SECOND LEFT HAND OF
INCOMPETENCE OF THE NINETEENTH ALTAR OF THE UNHOLY GRAIL OF THE SATANIC
BUG-WORSHIPPERS (stops to take a breath) OF TIM MCELWAIN, BEGONE!*
(pauses) Hmm, that didn't work. All right, charge the stupid weapons.
Weapons officer: Yes, sir!
Emperor Will: And fire at will!
(The turrets of the DoomHarbinger* IX 0001attempt to rotate through the
fourth dimension in order to perform the impossible task of aiming at the
Emperor on the bridge.)
Emperor Will: That's the oldest joke in the book!
(The turrets slink back to focus on the fighter group. Plasma fury bursts
out and destroys 40 of the fighters.)
Commander Tim McElwain: Crap! Why can't I split up my fighter groups so
they don't get hit so bad!
Brave Sir Robin: May I suggest, sir, running away?
Cmdr. Tim: But this is SE4! We can't retreat!
Brave Sir Robin: True, but if we can survive for 30 turns...
Cmdr. Tim: Good point, Sir Robin. Squadron Sigma, begin evasive
maneuvers!
Emperor Will: Damn! The fighters have a combat speed of 5 and we can only
move 3 spaces per turn! We'll never destroy them now!
Tactical officer: But they attacked us, isn't it good to escape?
Emperor Will: Not when we can slaughter them so easily... There's one
more trick up my sleeve...
(A strange-looking seeker group comes out of the DoomHarbinger 0001.)
Cmdr. Tim: What the -- They can't fire seekers at fighters! It's against
the rules!
Brave Sir Robin: And those things are coming at us with combat speed 9!
No such seeker travels so fast! We'd better engage our overthrusters!
Emperor Will: Ah, I see you fellows are having fun. As you can see, I
have tweaked the rules file a little bit.
Cmdr. Tim: What?! That was banned by the Inter-Galactic Cheating Treaty
of 2504!
Emperor Will: But I'm the bad guy! That means I'm allowed to cheat!
Cmdr. Tim: No, it only means you're allowed to cheat first! (fiddles with
onboard computer) Hah! Now I have Small ECM Jammer XII, increasing my
missile evasion by 120%! Your missiles can't hurt me now!
Emperor Will: That's where you're wrong! Missile evasion is only in MOO2!
In SE4 missiles always hit! Prepare to die, fool!
Cmdr. Tim: Well then, how's this? (fiddles with computer again) Now Heavy
Fighters are 3,000 kT, and I have 20 of them left to your puny 600 kT
Battle Cruiser!
Emperor Will: Two can play at THAT game! (fiddles with his computer) I
just fitted my ship with 20 Hyper-Ablative Regenerating Armor IX's, which
is 20kT, has 360kT damage, restores up to 50kT of damage to shields, AND
regenerates 40kT per combat turn!
Cmdr. Tim: Ensign Ed Kolis, do you think we can handle that?
Ensign Ed: I don't know, Commander. To me this is starting to sound like
the "Logical bomb game" this game I used to play with my brothers in
which we'd make up incredible weapons and then the other would make up
incredible shields, and then shield piercing weapons and hard shields and
then bombs that destroy only people named Sam and devices that change
one's name from Sam to Ed and...
Cmdr. Tim: All right Ensign! I get the point!
Who will win this confrontation of wills? Emperor Will? Or Commander Tim?
Find out next week - well, not really, find out if someone else decides
to continue this story!
*Is Doom Harbinger from JMC Blue Dwarf here? Hope he doesn't get mad if I
use some of his invective...) Although maybe I'll post this on Blue
Dwarf... it's turning out funnier than I expected!
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