De-Hamsterification Ointment...Maybe

Dr Keto didn't turn around as he heard the door open behind him.
Still peering through the magnifying lens in front of him, he asked,
"Yes?"
"It's Bobo," said the captain, behind him, "I think he's got
concussion."
"Just place him on the table over there," replied Keto, turning his
attention back to the patient lying before him. "Now, say ah..."
"Mmphgh!" said the giant ball of hair lying before him. Dr Keto
sighed and stood up, shaking his head.
"Mr Michaels, when I tell you to use an ointment, you should use the
ointment regularly! Now I'm sure that this results from not
following my instructions to the letter. Am I correct?"
"Nnmph!"
"Michaels, you disappoint me," sighed Keto, before pulling out
another bottle and lodging it behind a coil of thick hair. "Now this
time, do as I say: use this ointment four times a day, placing it on
your temples and your throat in large amounts. Do I make myself
clear?"
"Imph gmphmph kmph ymph!" managed Michaels.
"Good. Now get out," ordered Keto. As the ball of hair flopped off
the edge of the examining table and rolled out the door, he turned
his attention to Bobo.
It wasn't Bobo. Dr Keto blinked, but there was no doubting it. The
giant hamster sitting rather worriedly on his other examining table
was not in any way like Bobo.
"Hmm. You're not Bobo, are you?" asked Keto, just wanting to confirm
that single fact.
"No sir, I'm..." began the giant hamster.
"Wait, don't tell me," smiled Dr Keto patronisingly, "You're a human
who has become subject to an extreme form of hamsterification through
molecular bonding with a species of said mammal and interactive with
a non-event mass found at the centre of an accelerator used to
generate black holes, correct?"
"Uh..."
"Excellent! Now I have just the thing for you..." stated Keto,
turning away and rummaging through occasional drawers (which, again,
would never be there when required).
Finally, he pulled out a small green flask, and shook it
experimentally. Liquid sloshed about inside.
Holding it up proudly he said, "De-Hamsterification Ointment!"
The giant hamster sniffed, and frowned. "Smells like vinegar."
"Ahem. De-Hamsterification Ointment!" repeated Keto, pointedly. He
shoved the green bottle into the giant paw. "Bathe in it three times
a week, twice a week during leap years. Now please hurry along, I
have other patients to see. If the symptoms don't clear up in a
decade, please come back and see me again. Goodbye!"
"B..." managed the giant hamster, but Keto had firmly shown it the
door and shut said door behind it. Leaning against the wall, he
sighed.
Maniacs. He was on a ship full of maniacs.