Mostly Panic

Several large red flashing lights sprang to life in Smurfs cockpit and a low thrumming alarm began to sound.

"What the hell is that?" demanded Dick as he looked wildly around the ship for the cause of the sudden alarm.

"The unidentified vessel has just armed weapons and locked them on us." Smurf explained.

"So why not just tell, I'm sat right here. Jesus you are so dramatic."

"One might argue sir that an alien vessel locking weapons on us is in fact somewhat dramatic."

"Ok fair point." Dick admitted, "Raise shields."

"Do what sir?"

"Shields, you know. Raise them."

Smurf was silent.

"We don't have shields?" Dick asked after a moment.

If a computer could be said to snigger the odd assortment of whistles and squeaks that sounded over the shuttles comm would have definitely been suspect, "We do not sir." Came the reply at last.

"Ok ok arm weapons." Dick ordered with all the certainty of a four star general wearing only his underpants.

"Sir I am afraid that..."

"No don't tell me, I don't want to know."

"Sorry Sir."

"So we have no way of defending ourselves and no way of attacking."

"We could ram them sir."

"That sounds kind of fatal."

"Not entirely sir, my black box retains all of my primary cognition circuits and can stand impacts of up to..."

"Fatal for me." Interrupted Dick.

"Oh well yes sir you would be crushed upon impact, but you would live on in my memory banks as they say."

"Super. So that's a no to ramming them."

They were silent for a moment then as the alarm continued to blare.

"Can you turn that off please." Dick asked as he tried to think of a solution to their problem.

"But it is an emergency Sir."

"Yes and given that the only recipient of the emergency is me I think we can safely say that I have got the message. NOW TURN IT OFF!!"

"No need for that kind of attitude sir." The alarm stopped.

"Ok, ok I've got it. We should send them a message."

"Very good sir, and what should the message be?"

"Give me a second, let me think. We need to make them think we are well protected, without being aggressive. I mean who knows who they are. It might be a ship full of Amazonian space strippers looking for a male sperm donor to continue their progeny. hey do you think..."

"That particular scenario is highly unlikely sir."

"I suppose so." Dick replied glumly, "Ok send this..."

>>>PLEASE DO NOT SHOOT US, I DON'T WANT TO DIE...OH GOD, OH GOD, I DON'T WANT DIE. P.S. I HAVE AN EXCELLENT SPERM COUNT SHOULD THAT BE RELEVANT TO YOUR DECISION.<<<