Poo & Kitten

<snip>"We are the same, him and I!" Twalex spat.
"No. You are a shallow, greedy, evil little man. He is not. He is not the pathetic loser. You are." Jade huffed him in the chest for good measure to keep him down and turned back to the door.</snip>

Alex hadn’t realised the feisty little doctor thought about him enough to have much of an opinion of him, let alone such a high one. He just kinda assumed the others tolerated him as someone they’d been thrown together with.
Jade’s kind words thawed a little part of his scarred and wary heart.

He squinted at her, unsure of what to do. He sorta wanted to scoop her up into a hug.
<snip>"Ah!... Hi..." Jade flushed a bright shade of crimson, wondering how much of the speech Alex had heard.</snip>
“Hi.” He returned, giving an odd, unnecessary, little wave of his hand, and Jade noticed that for a fleeting moment his expression became gentle. Behind him Hasina and Jamie shuffled their feet in either impatience or awkwardness. Both cleared their throat at the same time. "We need to-" hissed Hasina. "... I know" Jamie replied. They were like twins.

Jaaday turned around, still mopping at her nose. At the sight of her, Alex’s eyebrows shot up - two Jades in one room was almost enough to bring out the Two in him and demand a threesome then and there. This Jade was different, though, she had a cruel hardness behind the eyes, not the warmth and sweetness of the Jade he knew. Still, he wouldn’t say no…

She gesticulated angrily at her throbbing face, glaring at Jade. “You’re lucky you didn’t break it, bitch.”
Jade narrowed her eyes and Alex frowned. “No need for that.”
Catching sight of him, Jaaday’s expression changed smoothly from raging to seductive.
“Well hello, handsome." She tossed her tissue aside, slinked over and slid the material of one of his uniform sleeves between her fingers. Trying to think straight, part of Alex wondered why Two wore a modern type uniform and not an especially ancient Egyptiany looking one like most of the others around this place seemed to. Another, larger, part thought some very pleasant things which involved whipped cream.
At the contact between Jaaday and Alex, Jade narrowed her currently stormy eyes further still.
“My husband’s clothes suit you well” her counterpart told him. “A little loose, perhaps. But we can soon fill you out…”
“Hey” came a jealous croak from the floor. Alex rolled his eyes at the thought of Two being jealous of himself. That about summed him up.
Wicked-Jade let go of Solvay One and looked down at her nauseated, slumped husband. She prodded him with her shoe. “Oh do get up, Lexipoo, you look ridiculous all splayed about like that.”
“She wrenched me smeggin’ delicates, love” he grumbled, all traces of put-on-poshness temporarily forgotten. He nodded towards Jade. “She’s stronger than she looks.”

Pink still haunted Jade’s cheeks and at his comment her eyes shifted guiltily back to the selfish man. While she didn’t feel bad for the self-defence, now that proper Alex was in the room it was a bit awkward that she’d hurt his alternate self – especially in such a personal manner.

Realising what'd happened, Solvay winced in sympathy. The feeling turned to embarrassment however, as he noticed Two’s ‘delicates’ were on clear display – the man’s stupidly ineffectual underwear (some kind of loin cloth) left nothing to the imagination.
The embarrassment grew as he realised that, should their eyes drift that direction, everyone would receive the same eyeful, and the fact that Alex Two was identical in so very many ways to Alex One made this situation a hundred times more cringeworthy – because basically Two’s unusual taste in underwear meant that everyone would pretty much be looking upon his naked apparatus.
He normally liked to go on at least a few dates with a girl before she whopped eyes on his- Well, okay, he didn’t actually, but that wasn’t the point.

“For fuck’s sake, put yer junk away.” He snapped, intoning it so grumpily that the bratty Two actually did as he was told, sitting up and sliding his loincloth into a different position. It hardly made a difference. Alex sighed. Two probably wore such skimpy clothing on purpose. Alex had a horrible image of him swaggering through a busy market, jewels a-dangle. Pervy exhibitionist bastard. He grabbed a silk cushion and tossed it into a dignity-saving position.
Alex Two’s cheeks puffed at the light impact but to be honest, he was just relieved it wasn’t an angry Irish woman wanting another round of Twister.

“There’s no need to be like that Al,” he said “we’re all adults here. We’ve seen it all before.”
“Well if we hadn't, we certainly have now!”
“Al,” Two's face turned soft, kindly. “I am so sorry about what happened earlier, I was just tired. I’m glad you changed your mind and came back to me.” He gave a warm and welcoming, and nearly-convincing, smile.
“I didn’t change my mind…”
Jamie was getting really bored now. “Alex you’re not going to trust this weirdo are you?”
“That ‘weirdo’ is Alex” hissed Jaaday, not the sweetest of women, but still loving and protective of her mollycoddled man.
Jamie fiddled with his ponytail. “Well," he said, matter-of-factly "he doesn't seem to be a very nice one.”
Two gasped, utterly astonished. “I am nice! I’m lovely!”
Hasina couldn’t help but release a yelp of incredulous laughter at this. Alexander Noble Chief Craftsman of the Most Honourable and Worthy Sun God Ra was many things, but ‘lovely’ was not one of them.
“He's a big spoiled brat” she told Jamie, quietly, confirming his suspicions.
“Can we get going to your quarters now please?” He muttered in reply.
“Yes, I agree, it's time to leave.” She wanted to get Jade hydrated as soon as possible.
Two heard this. “Uh, I don’t think so.” With a wince and a self-fumble he hauled himself to his feet. “You will stay here, where you are safe. We really don’t want you getting hurt.” He was looking at, and addressing, Alex. Jaaday coughed.
“Oh er, or you, either.” He looked at Jade.
Before anyone had chance to say anything else he suddenly launched into a rubbish and badly executed speech, burbling on about how Alex and Jade needed to stay because they were in grave danger (although he made out the danger was from the other alternate Dwarfers, not mentioning his precious Sun God Ra). During the pompous waffle, Hasina began hustling Jade and Jamie from the room, hoping Alex would realise and follow suit. He was getting caught up in Two’s flow, however.

“Why do you care so much what happens to us?”
“Well, it’s always good to have a few spare parts knocking about isn’t it?”
At Alex’s unimpressed expression, Two's cruel laugh exploded into the room, as if he’d just said something extremely clever and amusing. Which he hadn't. “Just pulling your plonker... Ah.” He grimaced at his own poor choice of words, unashamedly rubbing at himself again. “Nah, it's because you’re us.”
He ran a hand through his cheek-length, far-shorter-than-Alex's, hair and admired himself in a large gilt edged mirror. Alex got the feeling he did that a lot.
“To let harm come to you, me... us... would be such a senseless waste, Al.”

Jaaday had been engrossed in Alexander's unintelligent discourse, but she now noticed the three others edging towards the door.
“Where do you think you’re going? My husband is speaking.”
Jamie groaned and unfurled from his tense creeping position, losing his patience. “Oh for smeg’s sake." He turned to Hasina "Just zap them with your staff and be done with it, would you?”
The pretty woman shrugged and did as her alternate self suggested.
After the smack to the face Jaaday's reflexes weren't currently the best, and Hasina took her down with minimal effort.
As for Two, he was enjoying the sound of his own voice so much that he hadn’t even noticed anything was up, and was even easier to disable. A touch of the stick to his neck and he was out like a light.

----
An hour later.

Alexander awoke, blinking muzzily. His mouth was dry and his hands were bound behind his back. He wasn’t especially uncomfortable though, as he was semi reclining on one of his big, plush, material-draped sofas.

“Jaahdikins…” he whined “I’m hungry. This isn’t the time for one of your games, kitten. Untie me and get Merry to prepare something.”
“Oh, Lexipoo my love!” Came the distressed reply from one of the other sofas. “I’m not playing, I’m tied up as well!”
Alexander’s bimbo-brow creased as he considered this. “Perhaps our guests wanted some fun after all…” He found his bruised self becoming aroused at the thought. "Mmmf."
He started as his bleary eyes focused to find Al’s face, grinning down at him.
“Fraid not, Chunky!”
He blinked. What? “Chunky?” He asked, vacuous, and almost innocent.
“Yeah,” Al shrugged “You could do with losing a few pounds.”
How DARE he! Enraged, Two struggled against his bonds.
“Aaarghh!” A now wide-awake Jaaday screeched in anger. “Why the hell are we tied up if it's not for fun?”
Jade walked over and smiled, her grey eyes flashing “I take it you've heard of identity theft?”
---

“Ain’t cutting my hair…” Alex grumbled, causing Hasina to wonder if perhaps this Alex was as difficult as Alexander.
“You could never have such beautiful hair as my Lexipoo anyway!” Wailed Jadaay. Alex cringed.
“I think we probably share the same hair, Kitten” Two mumbled, tired of the futile struggle against his bonds. Where our Alex would've kept battling till he freed himself, Two was too lazy to bother.
“But Aly waly, yours is toffee with caramel slices!”
Alex seriously thought he was going to throw up, the mawkish marital-mush was beginning to turn his stomach. Even the seemingly unembarrassable Alex Two winced. “Toffee hair with caramel slices?” He shuddered, then sighed. “Now I’m hungry again.”
As if on cue his brown torso emitted a loud gurgle, the over-pampered stomach shocked to be empty for once.
“Oh ‘Poo” sighed Jaaday sympathetically, addressing her 'Lexipoo'. “We must get out of this mess.”
“I know, Kitten.” He looked up at his captors, face serious. “You people do realise the importance of eating regularly?”

Jade rolled her eyes and bunged a plum in his mouth. Mainly to shut him up.

---
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<I hope this makes sense I am so tired that it’s a bit hard to.>