In Laymen's Terms, Tripping Balls

Artemis charged down the riverside, looking over his shoulder every so often to make sure there was enough distance between him and the colossal mosquito chasing him. The mosquito rocketed upward and zipped ahead of Artemis. It came back down and attempted to latch onto his head, Artemis dipped below a fallen log and rolled down into a ditch. The mosquito tried to stab Artemis through the log, but fell just short of him. "Well Holly, any ideas?" Artemis mumbled between breaths, completely exhausted from mosquito's pursuit. "We could try following the ditch" Holly looked down the ditch, which lead on for several more feet and dipped into the bog. "It's worth a shot" Artemis slipped the bug out bag off his back and plopped it down into the mud. He crawled down the ditch, pushing the bag in front of him. The mosquito hopped around trying to get to him, finally finding an opening in the collapsed tree and diving through it. The crafty insect pinned Artemis to the ground and prepared to suck him dry. Thinking quickly, Artemis wrestled his arm loosed, grabbed a clump of dirt, and hurled it into the eyes of the mosquito. It reeled back in pain, giving Artemis a few seconds of freedom to grab the jury-rigged flamethrower from his lab and aim it at the massive bug, his pacifist nature overwhelmed by his desire to survive long enough to tell everyone he killed a bug larger than a school bus. "SMEG OFF!" he yelled. A cone of blue flame erupted from the flamethrower and engulfed the mosquito. The mosquito reeled backwards and scrambled frantically, trying to put itself out. Artemis climbed out of the ditch and laughed at the hapless insect. Out of nowhere, the insect exploded, throwing bright blue guts everywhere and throwing Artemis and Holly back into the ditch. Seconds later, Artemis realized what had happened and started laughing maniacally. "Artie's back baby! Take that you stupid bastard!" Artemis climbed up the ditch and gazed at the blue mess left behind by the mosquito. Artemis pulled off his helmet and inhaled the smell of victory, which smelled of roasted insect and swamp gas. "Do you smell that Holly?" He said proudly. "Not having a sense of smell, no" "That is victory my friend! The best kind of victory, victory won by....." and in a sensual tone "death" "Artie, you're acting a little weirdish" Holly said, cowering in the corner of the watch. "What do you mean?!?" Artemis yelled, fire in his eyes and drool running down the sides of his mouth. "First off, instead of running from a fight, you stood your ground. And you're gloating about a kill instead of analyzing the corpse" The fire vanished, and the regular, cowardly Artemis returned. The decrease in adrenaline caused Artemis' sense of pain to return, and soon he could feel every ache and pain, including a sharp pain in his neck. Artemis rubbed his neck and pulled something off. A neon blue mosquito rested in his hand. Artemis put on his glasses and analyzed the bug. "A mutation on the common mosquito, emits a narcotic cream to disable it's victims....in laymen's terms Holly...." Artemis crushed the bug and squinted at the dark horizon for dramatic effect....."I'm tripping balls...."

Artemis could hear Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit in his head as he scrambled around the swamp, flamethrower in hand. He had covered his suit in tribal war paint and local foliage. He was muttering incoherent babble ranging from biblical verses to lines from Pulp Fiction, and he would quote lines from Monty Python. Artemis danced around as he scoured the swamp, checking every nook and cranny for the other Dwarfers that Holly claimed were on the hellish moon. "And Jesus said, every time my fingers touch brain I'm like supah-fly TNT!" Artemis yelled, leaping over a log and landing in a deep puddle of muck. He trudged forward, almost immune to the thick, disgusting swamp gross around him. As he cleared the puddle a flare shot up into the air, catching his attention. "Yes! YES! A message from Atlantis! There are Dwarfers upon the horizon, I can taste them Holly!" Artemis took off towards the flare yelping and screaming like a madman, stopping on occasion to fire off the flamethrower.

"I have tracked the source of the flares to this location Holly!" "Are you sure Artie?" "OF COURSE! The telemetry calculations in my head are FLAWLESS! Mr. Flibble told me so" "Hey, do you see that?" Holly said, peering over the edge of the watch at a glowstick covered tree. Artemis approached the glow sticks with caution, he picked one up and examined it. "Glow sticks, contains two chemicals and a suitable dye, chemicals inside the plastic tube are a mixture of the dye and diphenyl oxalate, By mixing the peroxide with the phenyl oxalate ester, a chemical reaction takes place, yielding two molecules of phenol and one molecule of peroxyacid ester. The peroxyacid decomposes spontaneously to carbon dioxide, releasing energy that excites the dye, which then relaxes by releasing a photon....making one hell of a party favor...." Artemis said frantically, the rush from the narcotic mosquito now in full effect. He looked up and saw dozens more of the glowsticks, and gasped. "....or a sign of distress! There is a soul in need of help....or jumper cables to start a dead car! Who knows, maybe I've discovered El Dorado!" Artemis said slipping the glowstick into one of his suit pockets, he then proceeded to laugh maniacally and charge the flamethrower. He took a deep breath and focused. "Now we do what we were born to do Holly!" "Get high off of swamp 'squitos and run about like a dog on heroin?" "NO! Save lives!" Artemis began sweeping the area around the tree, babbling quietly to Holly.....when suddenly, he heard a noise close by. Artemis charged towards the sound, not knowing what to expect.....

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