Inspector Rimmer

<OOC – I published 2 podcasts this week, one by SMAndy, one by Locke, read out by myself and Alex. That takes us up to 10 podcasts, and currently we have 54 subscribers, which is pretty good as we haven't really tried to advertise it yet.>

When: Before Jay flew to the Spacecorps station, and before this samurai/bighorn nonsense

<snip>
The two men waited in silence as a small hologram Orb was arriving at the entrance. The Orb opened up and fell to the floor leaving a Holo-Bee floating in the air as a Hologram began to materialize. Suddenly the hologram turned into male human in military uniform. The Hologram quickly saluted and said, “Captain Frank Rimmer here for your official Inspection.” Seymour and Phil looked at each other with concern.
<end snip>

Seymour did the most rigid salute he could manage, and then shook the Inspector's hand. “Inspector Rimmer, I'm Ambassador Niples, I'll be showing you around the Blue Dwarf today. I'm sure our diligent crew and efficient procedures will impress you.”

Next to him, Phil's shoulders started to jiggle up and down as he giggled. Seymour jerked his head for the man in drag to go away.
The inspector spoke with impatience. “Ambassador, that's very kind but your ship's logs indicate that your Captain is one Amber Febuggure. May I speak with her?”

“Oooh yess, I'm here deary” said Phil, swishing the long hair from his wig out of his face, and doing a high-pitched impression of Mrs Doubtfire for absolutely no reason. He followed it up with “I'm a laydeeee!” and gave his false bosoms a squeeze. One of them disappeared and an orange fell onto his toe. He tried not to wince.
“Uhh, is this really Captain Febuggure?” the inspector asked. He had a large military moustache which twitched with irritation.
“Well, no sir. This is her mentally disabled sister. I'm sure the Captain will join us soon.” He shooed Phil away, who knelt down to pick up the fallen breast before skipping out of the Drive Room.

“As you can see Inspector, all our equipment is running the top spec Spacecorps software.” Seymour said waving his hand around the room, where only several of the computers were currently being manned.
“Are you sure Ambassador? It looks like you've crossed out the Windows Vista logos and just written 'Spacecorps' on the screen. With tippex.”
“Ahh, yes, well, I can explain that. Our Engineer is... well...”

Alex crept up to Seymour's side and whispered in his ear that Jay was planning to take a shuttle to the spacestation.
“Preposterous, he'll be killed!” Seymour whispered back.
“What's that?” Said Inspector Rimmer who looked up from his clipboard, where he was making lots of notes about the ship.

“Nothing sir. Everything is running as clockwork. With military precision.” Seymour smarmed, and did a fake laugh. Then when one of the monitors shows up with the flashing text “Warning, unscheduled shuttle launch”, he pushed the Inspector out of the Drive Room and into the corridor.

“We were wondering if you could arrange for the delivery of some medical supplies from your station.” Seymour asked, and then told him they needed some pseudoephedrine.
“Pseudoephedrine?” Asked Inspector Rimmer. “Why so specific? Are you all suffering from prolonged erections?” he chuckled, and Seymour felt the need to chuckle too, whilst also making sure the blanked covering his crotch was secure.

They walked past one of the corridors connecting the Arboretum to the Promenade, which had a trail of blood and footprints.
“What's this?”
“Oh, ahh... um...” Seymour thought quickly, “Our men have been doing a military training exercise/ Sometimes they get a bit carried away and one ends up with a nosebleed. Nothing to worry about.”
The Inspector peered at the blood which was more like an oil slick. “Were proper health and safety precautions observed?”
“Oh course, yes of course by jove. But the lads just get a bit carried away. You know how these military guys are, all macho and that sort of thing. But everything's fine and tickety boo.”
“But there's some sort of lizard foot over there.”
“Ahh, yes well there might have been an incident with a ...lizard. But it's all fine, I assure you. Come this way I'll show you the crew quarters.”

As they walked they cam across a small paper note dropped onto the floor.
“It's addressed to you.” Said the Inspector picking it up. “It has hearts drawn on it.”
Seymour started to blush. “Oh, yes, um....”
“Do you want to open it?” The Ambassador said.
“No, it can wait until later.” Said Seymour, taking the note.
“May I remind you Mr Ambassador that a Spacecorps ship is not the place for romance.”
“No I... uhh... one of the lads probably did this for a joke.”
“Open it.” The moustached Inspector demanded.
Seymour unfolded the note which was a love poem from Shelly, the Belhaphasarian who was madly in love with him. A photo dropped out of the cards and fell to the floor. Seymour tried to run over it with his wheelchair wheel, but the Inspector picked it up. “It's a photo of a pig spread-eagle on a bed.” He said. “Filth! Do you have a pleasure GELF onboard?”
“Of course not!” Seymour said, tugging on his shirt collar nervously and hoping the remaining few Belhaphasarians remained locked away.

They walked through the crew quarters, where there was a furious banging on one of the doors from the inside.
“What on Earth is going on in there?”
Seymour shrugged, but he was angry. He told the crew to be quiet and not draw attention to themselves. He opened the door and an embarrassed looking Jacky ran out, and kept running down the corridor. Inside on the top bunk bed, Justin was furiously masturbating whilst clutching Jakcy's lord of the rings poster. “Sexy sexy Gollum!” He said.

“Err... let's just close this door shall we.” Said Seymour, and tried to move the Inspector who froze to the spot, his eyes glazing over. “I've never seen such utter disgusting displays Mr Niples. This ship is disgusting!”
Seymour didn't know what to say.
“Can we still get the Pseudoephedrine?” Seymour asked.
“Absolutely not, and if you bring this ship anywhere near the station we'll blow it to hell!” He said, and stood rigid as if preparing to be transferred back to the station, but his watch chimed. He looked at it them turned eyes slowly back to Seymour. “It appears some of your crew have infiltrated our base. I'm extremely unhappy about this-”

Everything faded to white and Seymour saw lines of men on horseback, and then Phil, who was gratefully not wearing women's clothes or naked.
“Oh golly gosh, what is this?” He said.