Diagnosis: Hurt ya.

“BZZZZZZZZZZ”
“Muufffgh?”
“BZZZZZZZZZZ”
“Whurgh?”
“BZZZZZZZZZZ”
“WHAT?!” Jay snapped, as he grabbed the mobile phone that had woken him.
“Jay, it's Phi...I've got your results back and...”
“Hold on...”
Jays head was pounding and he groggily opened his eyes.
“Now might not be the best time...” he murmered as he took in his surroundings.
“But...” Phi said “It's important...”
“Doc” Jay snapped “I'm currently locked in a cage, dangling at least 30 feet above the cargo bay deck...”
He looked around. Jacky was in a similar situation not too far away. The cage had clearly been hoisted into position on a pulley, the chain used to do so fastened around a hook at floor level.
“What are you in for?” Jacky said, catching Jay's glance.
“I got married...” Jay replied.
“That explains it”
“Jay!” Phi's voice came over the phone “You have to listen, it's important...I know why you've been feeling unwell...”
“Fine..go on..” he said, only half listening as he looked everywhere for a means to escape.
Down below, he could a see a naked Phil, strapped to a cross. He made a mental note to mock the diminutuve size of his penis later.
“....and well....” Phil said “It's...incurable...at least at the moment”
“mm-hmm” that didn't bother Jay, who was now holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder while fiddling with the cage's lock. The common cold was incurable!
“I don't know how they've done it...but it's like they've engineered the virus especially for you...”
“That's nice...” Jay was gazing up at the top of the cage. He put Phi on speaker phone and grabbed the bars at the top of the cage, pulling himself up to see if there was a way out up there.
“No...it's not. The symptoms are going to get worse. How quickly, I don't know...it will be agonising. It will be insufferable and Jay....”
“hmmm?”
“It's going to kill you...”
This got Jays attention. “It's terminal?”
“I'm afraid so. Jay, this virus will kill you slowly, and painfully. You're going to find yourself getting weaker and weaker, the pain will become unbearable and you may become mentally unstable. It's effecting every shred of your DNA.”
“How long?”
“I can't say for sure. You could have several years...or you could be dead Friday.”
Jay said nothing. He'd never feared death, but to think that he'd go like this, slowly, to a bio-engineered virus terrified him.
“One more thing..”
“What?”
“They made very sure that you would suffer...check your arm, where I took the blood sample.”
Jay rolled up his sleeve. “Is it healed?” Phi asked
“Yeah...totally...is that not normal?”
“Not so quickly. Any injuries you sustain through non-natural causes will heal within minutes. Even the most serious ones.”
“Why would they do that?”
“I guess the STCP wanted to make sure that the virus would kill you. That nothing else could, making sure you weren't spared the suffering that this virus is going to put you through.”
“I'm so glad they cared.”
"Jay, pretty soon you'll be totally incapacitated. Too weak to move, and in constant agony...it's going to slowly eat away at every cell in your body...you need to come in for more tests...I promise I will find a cure and...”
Phi heard a loud crash on the line.
“ARGH! FOR THE LOVE OF SMEG!” Jay yelled.
“What?” Phi yelled “What happened?”
“Picked the lock of the cage...jumped out...you said I wouldn't be injured! I've broken both smegging legs!”
“No! I said your injuries would heal!”
“GodDAMN that hurts!”
“Yes...I never said it wouldn't hurt either”
“Now what?”
“Give it a minute...”
After a few minutes Jacky felt his cage lowering to the ground. Jays fully healed legs supporting him as he untied the chain from it's hook and lowered it, hand over hand to the ground.
“That was impressive” said Jacky, as Jay started to pick his cage's lock. “Or immensely stupid”
“I stopped trying to separate the two years ago...” Jay replied “Come on...we have to get Phil out of here...”