Demolition woman, can I be your man?

Bedge lumbered along the corridor, various laundry items adorning his once filthy and murderous now clean and domestic frame.
What was that odd sound assaulting his audio receptors? He neared Alex's quarters to drop off the requested items.
The Solvay Master was - and at the realisation Bedge nearly dropped the clothes - singing with enthusiasm, along with one of those retro tapes he listened to.

"Pouurrr soome suuugarr on meeeh, whooa in the naayme of looohve..."

Bedge blinked. It was unusual for this Master to sing (or exhibit any signs of warmth and joy, in Bedge's private opinion) when sober. It was most strange indeed. He shook his head and stepped into the open doorway. He was surprised again as he was greeted by a large smile - a proper one with teeth and everything - Alex in his underwear, and the not unpleasant scent of...
"Wot is dat smell?"
"Deodorant, aftershave and cologne..." came the reply, before the human danced off, singing again "I'm hohht, stickeh sweet, from my head to mah feet'chyeah!"
Bedge felt a little out of his depth.
"You are eighty per shent more joyful than uswal" he found himself blurting.
"That, me old mate..."
Mate!?
"... is because I am shortly going to have sex with fifty triple breasted women."
Bedge was quite startled at this revelation. "Fifty!?" He made some calculations. "Oi did not know dat filfee hooman testicles had the ability t-"
Alex threw a towel at him.
"Eurr, Bedge, don't say 'testicles', it really kills the mood."
Alex turned to a mirror, which Bedge had never noticed before, and tried parting his hair several different ways.
"Ferty per shent more vain..."

Bedge wondered if all the crew were acting in this bizarre manner.

--

When and where: Starbug, about to head to the planet.

Seymour double took as Alex finally made it to the Starbug. Gone were the standard blue coveralls, replaced with a crisp white shirt and freshly pressed black trousers. He was also wearing smart shoes instead of boots. To top it off, the normally scruffy man had actually shaved... a proper wet shave judging by the current smoothness of his face. His hair was still ridiculously long but still, you couldn't have everything.
"Mr Solvay, why can't you dress like that all the time?"
Solvay quirked a brow at Seymour's own extravagant dress uniform. "Hm."
Phil piled in, dressed head to toe in suave black, smelling of something nice but very strong. He glanced about and chuckled "You look handsome Seymour. Ha! We're all wearing our least smeggy things".
Seymour cleared his throat. "Okay, gentlemen, we are not - what's it Justin says - 'on the pull'. This is a diplomatic occasion and we are to treat these people politely."
There was some foot shuffling.
"Now, I know it will be tempting, but please try and keep your eyes away from their..." he stumbled, not sure how to phrase it "... chest areas" he finished, to Phil and Alex's sniggers.

--

Where: The Planet

The 'Midget and the 'Bug landed in a large, clearing and the crews piled out. 'Course it would've been sensible to sent a scout party ahead but the promise of buxom triple-breasted ladies meant that there was a distinct lack of common sense among these particular Dwarfers at present.

They looked around, there was nobody to greet them. Jacky and Plisken started to grumble their disappointment, but suddenly many, many golden haired women began running from the trees at the edge of the clearing, whooping and hollering, dressed in animal skins and brandishing crude looking weapons.

The assembled Blue Dwarf crew stood and stared.
"Well say something, you idiots." Cass hissed from one of the watches.
"Let me see, LET ME SEE!" Cried Justin from another.
Alex swallowed hard and nudged Seymour's shoulder.
"Oh. Oh yes. Hello, I am Ambassador Sey-"
"MENFOLK!" Boomed a powerful female voice. Their eyes found the source, a beautiful caramel skinned warrior woman was standing on a raised piece of earth, the others now gathering around her.
"How did you find this place?" She enquired.
Alex found his eyes resting on her barely covered triple bosom. It was achingly impressive.
"Well we... Our ship..." Seymour began.
"You came on a ship? Long years it has been since anyone sailed to Belhaphasar."
Alex tasted the word. "Belhaphasar". It caught the woman's attention.
"You! Man!"
"Me?"
"Yes, come." She looked among the others "And you." She pointed to Phil. "And definitely you" she pointed at Jay.
There were murmurings among the Dwarfers.
"Seymour..."
"Just do it, we need them to know we're friendly."
"Oh... I'm friendly all right, it's just..."
"Do it" whispered Niples.

Phil, Jay and Alex walked towards the women.
The leader nodded to some of her hand maidens and they met the men half way to lead them by the hands. Alex smiled at the girl leading him, she was small, sunny, lovely. It felt good to be holding a woman's hand again.
The three men were pushed into line in front of the leader who stepped down from the raised piece of ground and circled them like a cat examining its prey. She looked them all up and down. "Yes, good. Good."
She grabbed Jay's rump making him start a little. "Ve-ery good. Firm. Strong."
Phil nearly turned inside out suppressing his laughter at this. The lady moved on to him, prodding and feeling the ridges of his pecs. "Most pleasing." She removed his sunglasses and admired his face. "Yes, most pleasing indeed." She replaced the glasses.
She moved on and ran her fingers through Alex's hair. "Luxurious."
Seymour snorted. If there was one word he didn't associate with Mr Solvay's stupidly long hair, it was "luxurious". "Untidy," yes.
She wrapped the hair around her hands as if she were going to tug on it. "Mmmm."
Alex tipped his head and looked into her eyes, questioning. A small smile graced her lips and she let go.

She turned and addressed the rest of the Dwarfers, glancing them over too, as she spoke. "Menfolk, you are all fine specimens. Even the one with no legs." Seymour blushed. "We are lucky to have you among us and are pleased to welcome you as our guests."
Tension leaked from the clearing like air from Phil after one of Seymour's bean dinners.
"Par-tay." Muttered Alex.

--

When: Later that evening.
Where: Village of Durdundoh, Belhaphasar.

The massive bonfire crackled, heating the warm night still further to the perfect temperature. Animals hooted and squeaked in exotic, lulling tunes.
Seymour lie in the grass, next to his lovely new friend, Roboshah and sighed a truly contented sigh. The beautiful ladies had shown them great hospitality and fed them extremely well, perhaps a little too well. The top button of his trousers popped open, but he hardly noticed, he felt entirely unconcerned and like his head was full of pink cotton wool. He'd almost forgotten why they'd come here in the first place.
"Where are all your native menfolk?" He finally gathered the presence of mind to ask the question that had been poised on his lips since arrival.
The smile gracing Roboshah's face fell into a sad expression "I..." She paused. "... I am afraid they all perished."
"Perished?" Seymour's mind began to wander again and he hardly registered what she'd said.
"I do not want to talk about it. But please... do not worry yourself." She stroked his head and the smile returned. "I like you Mister Seymour. You are a very nice man."
He smiled back "I like you too. Very much in fact."
"Then let us go to the forest and make the beast with two backs!"
"I say!"

White Wolf was lying nearby, happily allowing several ladies to sit astride him, scritch his fur and massage him. He let out a hamstery purr.
He watched Roboshah carry Seymour off to the forest and felt quite emotional. It was so romantic.

Alex was lying with his head in the cross legged lap of one lady, looking up into her sparkling eyes, while another fed him grapes and yet another was caressing his torso through the gap in his now mostly open shirt. He'd kicked off his socks and shoes ages ago and was enjoying the feeling of the nearby fire warming his bare feet.
Smeg the Dwarf, in the morning he was going to tell Seymour that he wanted to stay here.

A slightly dazed looking Phil walked past, on his way to the forest, a warrior maiden on each arm. He gave Alex a wink.

Alex smiled to himself, this was amazing. Perhaps they could all stay here. Perhaps being out of their own time wasn't so bad. This must be where they were destined to be. Yes, yes! They could start a new life here. Perfect. He couldn't think of any reason he'd want to go anywhere else. Everything he wanted was here.
"Shall we go to the forest, Alex?" Chimed the musical voice of the torso caresser. "Thought you'd never ask..." The four new companions made their barefooted way, giggling and chuckling from the village into the lush forest.

Plisken found himself under a waterfall with several adventuresome women. This hadn't been quite what he'd meant when he'd suggested watersports, but he certainly wasn't going to complain. This was paradise.

Jacky was inside a straw roofed hut with a young lady who was... extremely enthusiastic, to say the least. Cass kept shouting at him via his watch, but he couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. He felt like he was almost hypnotised by the charming girl. But he didn't mind, he felt good. Really good.
"Here, why don't you slip that off?" She undid the watch and slung it across the room.
"And these bothersome clothes, too." She began to undress him...

Jay sat in a hammock, high in the trees, trying hard to keep his mind focused on Katrina and the possibility of getting back with her, but the thought would only last for seconds at a time, the stunning girls kept forcing it from his mind. He'd made love to two of them and now others were pouting and bickering and wanted a go on him too. Well, who was he to argue?
"Come on then!" He smiled.

Higher in the branches still, the leader watched on, smiling in approval.

--

"Doeshn't anywun fink dis is unuswal?" Bedge had said, but none of the fleshy types had wanted to hear it.

So he'd wandered off, in a semi-mechanical huff and here he was, lost deep in the forest. He amplified his powerful aural receptors, in case he could pick up a clue to the whereabouts of the crew but by accident he caught the sound of several of the irritating women chittering among themselves.

"Yes, we shall take their seed and fatten the greedy men until they are the size of rhangabeasts..." one of them giggled in delight "Yes, yes!" The original speaker continued "... then we shall bestow them upon the mighty Arachdok."

Bedge was no expert on matters of the heart, but that didn't sound like particularly good news.