Onan the barbarian

<snip>
A chill passed through them, even the enraged Jay felt it and stopped struggling.
A spooked Gomez counted the assembled Dwarfers.
“Where's Legion and... where's Phil?”

The suddenly quiet team exchanged concerned glances. Apart from Justin who was rubbing his crotch, trying to see if he could orgasm yet.
</snip>

The silence that followed was punctuated by just one sound: Fap fap fap
Cass winced
“Are we all in agreement that this isn't normal behaviour?” she asked
“Ahem... urgh” Seymour coughed, quickly turning his back on Justin “Yes! Not normal in the slightest!”
“Aiee ¡Dios mío!” Gomez wailed “My eyes!”
Fap fap fap
“...” Phi in turn opened her mouth to say something but just squeezed her eyes shut instead as her revulsion got the better of her
Fap fap fap
“Pancake!” Jay barked “Put it away!”
Fap fap fap
“Oh for...” White Wolf muttered before raising his voice and bellowing “OY!”
Fap F...
Justin looked up, an expression of intense concentration on his face “What?”
“That tiny little thing you laughingly call a penis?” Cass sneered “Put it away!”
Fap
“You sure?”
Fap
“YES!” everyone shouted in unison
“Huh, suit yourselves” Justin muttered, tugging his trousers back up “Sorry - It's just that you tend to loose track of what's normal after three million years...”
“Oh don't give us that tired old excuse” Cass sighed, an expression of distaste playing across her face as she crossed her arms in front of herself “And for the record: I warned you what would happen if you messed with me again, so I'm not done with you yet - Legion won't be the only one reprogramming you, you little shit”
Justin started
“Y... You can't do that” he stammered “I'm a sentient being! I have rights!”
“Like I even give a smeg” Cass grated
“Hey, wait a minute...” Alex interrupted “You think Legion's been altering his programming!?”
“Yep; He's farting and sweating now – all new for a hologram from our era, and since none of us would want this vile little creep any closer to actually being human than he already is, it must have been Legion”
“If that's true, is it possible that his behaviour could have been affected as well?” Alex asked “Do you think he might be responsible for destroying the Starbug?”
“Maybe” Cass shrugged “I'd need to check the security feeds; but if you ask me his behaviour doesn’t seem all that different - You've always been an offensive little pervert, haven't you Justin?”
Justin just muttered something under his breath and gazed at the floor, shuffling his feet
“Regardless” Cass continued “Even if it was this little creep, it still leaves Legion as our prime suspect”
“What!? How!?” Seymour spluttered “Why would Legion even do that? He's a superb host! What makes you think he's to blame?”
Cass shrugged
“I had a chat with him earlier on - turns out he's a gestalt entity; the result of research into advanced states of consciousness” she paused to look around the blank expressions surrounding her “He's a combination of all our intellects and identities?”
“Ah, right!” Seymour smiled beatifically as the penny dropped “Do continue”
“Without us he's nothing - hence him not showing up on the life-sign scans prior to us docking here; so it stands to reason that he doesn’t want us to leave, and will do anything to keep us here...”
“Bloody hell” Jay frowned “I wish you had mentioned this earlier on”
“Well, I did try” Cass smiled “But you had other things on your mind”
“Snork”
“Shut the smeg up Justin”
“Oh, well, isn’t that just bloody brilliant!?” Seymour moaned, throwing his hands up in the air in despair “Just our bloody luck! We find a nice place to stay and it turns out that our host is utterly bonkers and wants to keep us here forever! Bloody fantastic!”
“Yeah, and it gets even worse than that!” Phil announced, striding dramatically into the hangar “On the off-chance we ever figure out how to get out of here, he's going to carve out our brains and stick them jars to stop us doing it!”
You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed
Fap fap fap...

<tag>
Anyone – Any suggestions about what we're going to do? - and where's Legion while all this has been happening?
</tag>