Beware the hardlight boob grabber!

<snip>
"EVERBODY DOWN!" Davie's voice boomed...
Everyone obeyed except Phi. "What?" 
A millisecond later a large, damp tentacle wrapped around her waist...
<end snip>

Justin watched as Phi was snatched. “Oh no, they've got.... er... whatsername? Sexypants!”
“Her name's Phi.” Jay said.
“Oh okay.” Said Justin, then he looked towards Phil. “So who's that guy?”
“That's Phil.”
“Ahh okay. Phi.. Phil. Phi. Phil. Does that get confusing?”
Jay ignored him and looked towards the monster, drawing his gun, which was a big mistake because it left Justin staring at Cass. Without even thinking he held out both his hands and lurched towards her breasts.
Cass noticed just before he touched and slapped him across the face.
Justin gasped in surprise and what seemed to be pleasure. “Wow, you know that's the first time anyone's touched me in 3 million years. And it feels gooooood!”
Cass ignored him but he continued to speak. “Do you know how horrible it is being a hologram? You can't do all your favourite things... and I especially can't do my favourite things.” He paused to see if Cass was still paying attention. “Did you know it's impossible for a hologram to ejaculate?”

Cass's brow furrowed in utter disgust and she moved away from him, tugging Jay's shirt and pointing back at him and whispering.
“I'm just saying!” Justin said. “I thought you'd want to know. I've done extensive research too. There's not a room on this ship where I haven't tried jacking it. Even your bedroom Cass, I tried laying on your bed, which still kept your scent for almost 2 thousand years, looking at the photos on your dresser. Nothing worked, not even that.”

Jay turned to him, and Justin knew he was going to get a bollocking. “Okay I know, I know, this isn't 'polite' conversation” He said doing air quotes and looking at Seymour as he said 'polite'. “But I've been on my own for 3 million years! Do you know what it's like knowing only myself for 3 million years?”
“Yes I'm sick of you after just 10 minutes.” Jays said. “Now let's worry about rescuing Phi from that thing shall we?”
“Oh that? Yeah that's what I call an 'Abu Hamza' squid.”
“Why?”
“Its tentacles are like hooks and when it pulls you close to its mouth it injects a worm into your mouth which makes you get angry and explode after 3 hours. Like a suicide bomber...” His voice trailed off as everyone listened. “I saw it do it to some rodents.”

Everyone doubled their efforts to get Phi back quickly as she was being dragged closer and closer to its giant mouth, which could just be seen around the corridor. It was being resisted slightly by Phi rubbing it with an antibacterial wipe.

As Jay went to save the trainee doctor, Justin sidled up to Phil and Seymour. “So, you're the one I've heard about who's died more times as me.... well... almost.”
Phil nodded, not really having Justin's full attention.
“I bet you haven't though... It's become a sort of obsession for me. In total I've died a holographic death about 78 billion times. So how many times have you died?” He asked, as if it was a competition.

<Tag - Phil, how many times HAVE you died? Oh, and can you rescue Phi before she gets an exploding worm inside her or will we have to operate on our only doctor?>