Lester and SNIDE in: Son of the Beast of Caerbannog

Who: Lester and SNIDE
Where: In a box, in a machine on floor 13 of the TransMed Building, New Tenerife
When: A few minutes after Seymour dumped him there.
 
"Thank you for using TransMed dermal regeneration burns treatment. TransMed: the only option in pharmaceuticals and xeno-biological experimentation."
 
"Who?"
 
"TransMed Pharmaceuticals hope that you are now well and have recovered from your ordeal and/ or injury. TransMed reminds its employees that TransMed is a caring and considerate employer."
 
"What?"
 
"TransMed Pharmaceuticals considers its employees to be family and would expect the same respect and consideration you would give to your family."
 
"Where?"
 
"Therefore, TransMed would advise against legal and/ or Union action as retribution for any injury sustained during the carrying out of your work in our happy family. Besides, attempt to sue us and we'll crush you like a bug."
 
"What the smeg?"
 
"TransMed Pharmaceuticals would like to remind employees that they are scanned routinely during their working day and that salaries are paid according to productivity. Therefore, malingering within a dermal regeneration chamber, such as this fine product from TransMed Pharmaceuticals, is not in the best interests of members of our happy family. Therefore, TransMed Pharmaceuticals recommends you get up, take a few paracetemol and get back to work. Now."
 
There was a hiss, the door to the chamber opened automatically and Lester rolled out onto the floor where he lay prone for a while. Something sidled up and kicked him in the ear. Hard.
 
"Ow! What? Who? ... No wait, I did all that." Lester dragged himself upright, "oh smeg," he gazed at his hands, one fleshy and returned to full health, the other metallic and still welded closed to the brass handle of the King Harry's wheel. "I'm in charge?" He looked down at SNIDE who was circling impatiently. "What happened to the other one?"
 
SNIDE rolled onto his domed back and stuck all four legs straight up in the air.
 
"Dead?" Lester rolled his eyes, "again? Where did the others go?"
 
SNIDE considered this for a moment, then leapt at Lester's head, curling up his legs he settled onto his temple implant and connected.
 
"Oh smeg..." Lester said as he watched SNIDE's memories. "Oh smegging smeg. Floor 388? Right, so we could just leave them to it? I'm sure they're perfectly... ow! Don't kick me in the cortex like that! All right! All right! We'll go help them. It'd be easier if he was here though." SNIDE detached himself and settled onto Lester's shoulder as he dragged himself fully upright. "Floor 388 it is then."
 
Lester and SNIDE stepped out of the corridor, treading carefully over the three corpses and made their way to the express lift that was still working.
 
"Floor 388, please," he asked the lift.
 
"Wow, that's a popular floor today," said the lift happily, closing its doors. "Hey, you'll never guess who I've had in here today?"
 
"Uh-huh," Lester said non-commitally.
 
"Only Queen-bleedin'-Brittany!"
 
"You don't say?"
 
"In here, bold as brass, not looking her usual self mind you. Course, I've only ever seen her with her bazookas out. Not the same with her clothes on, know what I mean?"
 
"Uh."
 
"So I sent her image to the coffee machine on floor 87, he's a right posh nut, thinks the Monarchy's the bees knees. I think they should all be shot, saving her Majesty the Queen of course, maybe she could get a regular stint in FHM? You know?"
 
"Are we nearly there?"
 
"Hang on mate," the lift said crossly, "hold your 'orses, we've got to make a stop off first. So anyway, yeah, FHM. Make a nice change to all of them alien girls they keep sticking in there. Call me old fashioned but I much prefer two tits, you know? The right number."
 
"Been a lift long have you?" Lester tried to change the subject.
 
"All my life mate. Course: I've been stuck in the basement for the last six months. Personality circuit problems they said. Don't know what they're on about. Then they go and yank me out of the dark because Gerold, rest his electric soul, got chucked down the lift shaft. Thirteen floors, right to the bottom. Poor bugger, still..."
 
As the lift droned on, Lester became further worried about the stop off coming up. Suddenly the lift stopped and the doors opened revealing a horde of armed and armoured officers carrying deadly-looking weapons.
 
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