Enjoy your work do you?

Who: Lester, Lester, Queen Brittany, Seymour and mad mad Professor Hasenbaker
Where: The TransMed Research Centre
When: Uh, post snip?
 
<SNIP>Ren bit his fist as the wormhole inside his intestines started to suck him inside it. It happened quickly, but not quick enough as it seemed to deflate Ren like a balloon, and then his body collapsed in on itself and he was sucked inside his own bottom.
A moment passed where all everyone could do was silently glance at
 each other. Neither of them believed what had just happened.
Professor Hasenbeker clapped his hands together and turned to Lester,  Seymour and Brittany. "Right. Who's next?"</SNIP>
 
"That was disgusting..." Brittany breathed, then touched the forcefield again for a reassuring tingle.
 
"Ah, perhaps it works differently on a female genetic code?" Professor Hasenbaker put the demon thing in a handy containment jar where it ranted and raged at him. The jar sealed and a stasis field hummed into life, instantly freezing it in time. He operated a control and the large mechanical grab came down for her. At the last second though Lester pushed her aside, into Seymour and was grabbed by the steel claw.
"What are you doing?" Seymour shouted.
"Yes, what are we doing?" Lester demanded of himself."Very noble, if I hadn't chemically removed my chivalry I might be impressed," Hasenbaker moved Lester down to in front of him and prepared another syringe. "I'm hoping your implants will have an interesting effect on the genetic modifications."
"Must be hard work, this mad Scientist act? Bet they don't appreciate you upstairs either."
"Oh, you don't know the half of it," Hasenbaker filled the syringe and tapped it to get the air out. "There's no military value in anal-wormholes, they said. But I told them that in a conceptual universe, it's all a matter of perspective. Wormhole, bum-hole they're conceptually very close." He shrugged. "But the funding's not what it could be. They're all interested in super-soldiers dropping between dimensions... I've always been rectally-inclined, myself." Hasenbaker went to jab the needle into Lester, paused and caught sight of the steaming mug of drink on his desk.
 
"Odd, I don't remember making Ovaltine. But then I can't remember the name of my wife either." He tapped his skull, "too many experiments in ret-con tablets." He took a swig, then another and gave a satisfied sigh. "Well, on with the painful and unneccessary tests."
 
He stepped forward, tied a pressure band around Lester's arm and inflated it. The veins stood out on his skinny wrist. The needle came down, viscous, flourescent goo dripping from its wide, sharp point. The Professor lowered it towards Lester's arm, then stopped. His stomach gurgled.
 
"What?" Again his insides rumbled, "bowel action?" The Professor looked at his watch, "is it Thursday already?" Then he looked puzzled and suddenly frightened. There was a ripping noise, the old man convulsed and suddenly imploded leaving only his lab coat. The white folds of grubby cloth started to move and eventually a tiny, red, horned head peered out. It snarled angrily at Lester then began hopping around the room, over the piles of books. It found the other demon-thing, sealed in stasis and started scrabbling around it to get the lid off.
 
 
SNIDE peeked around the corner of a stack of books and beeped at Lester.
"You put the formula in his ovaltine?" Lester asked. SNIDE beeped and nodded. "How did you know he'd drink it?"
 
SNIDE beeped, twittered and squawked his way through an explanation. Lester nodded. "Oh, I see. Well, deactivate this thing and we'll get the others out."
 
SNIDE accessed the Professor's computer, tapping away at a few keys. There was yelp from Lester and SNIDE glanced across.
"Getting tighter!" Lester gasped through gritted teeth. "Other way!"
 
SNIDE pretended not to understand for a few more seconds, then deactivated the claw and the forcefield around the cage.
 
"Brilliant!" Queen Brittany opened her arms and ran forward, "you were amazing!" Lester began to open his arms, but she ran past, swept up SNIDE and nuzzled him to her ample bosom.
 
"Yes," Lester said, half-blushing, "well we need to get out of here, find some weapons, get your baby out and then we'll figure out how to get out of here."
 
"Also," Seymour added, raising an important finger, "we need to pull the purple wire and flip the wrinkly potato." Seymour caught Lester's expression. "Well we do."
 
"Right," Lester said and reached out to SNIDE. The tiny robot burrowed deeper into Brittany's cleavage. With a slight hint of jealousy, he turned away.
 
***
Getting out into the corridor was fine, Lester went first, found three labcoats and brought them back. Together they stepped out, trying to follow the bewildering signs hoping to find some idea of where Alota was being kept.
 
"Keep watch," Lester told them, "you," he paused. "I'm talking to you. Wh-who? Me? Yes you, can you access the TransMed mainframe? I-I'm n-not sure. The interface was fried wh-when we made re-entry. Well could you give it a go, please? See if you can find where the child is."
 
The others watched as Lester closed his eyes, put out his welded-shut fist and concentrated.
 
"Well?" Seymour asked literally twenty-seconds later, "where is she?"
 
"N-no good, th-the interface is sh-shot. Bugger. Yep."
 
"Hold it right there!"
 
They turned and saw the platoon of guards, armed to the teeth with lasers and wearing laser-proof body armour. The leader, denoted by his scarlet helmet, stepped forward.
 
"You've been entertaining," the guard said, "I'll give you that. But we've been watching you sneak about for ages now and you're really too much trouble to keep alive."
 
"Where's my daughter?" Seymour demanded.
 
"In safe hands. Well, secure hands, anyway."
 
"I demand to see her."
 
"You will," the guard leader shrugged, "very soon."
 
"I will?" Seymour thought it shouldn't be this easy.
 
"Yeah, you er, do subscribe to the theory of an afterlife right?" The Guard Leader turned to his underlings who dutifully giggled.
 
"Where are you keeping her?" Seymour demanded.
 
"Look, it's no good telling you," the Guard Leader said gently, "you're going to die, now, so there's nothing you can do with the information, is there?"
 
"Yeah," sneered a shorter guard behind him, "besides you'd never get to Level 13 anyway, even if you weren't about to die, you'd be killed there."
 
"Ernie?" The Guard Leader sighed.
 
"Yes Guv?"
 
"Shut up."
 
"Sorry Guv."
 
"Now, on with the killing... uh, what are you smiling at?" This last was addressed to Lester who had folded his arms and was grinning hugely.
 
"Uh, I was just wondering, would any of you care for a cool refreshing drink?"
 
"What?"
 
There was a sound exactly like "PTANG!" and a high-velocity soft-drink can spanged off the back of the Guard Leader's helmet. The squad turned to see what was going on and were assaulted by a volley of cans and ice-cold bottles, hammering into their armour.
 
The bottles and cans littered the floor so as the guards sought to get a good footing and return fire they slipped, fell and generally collapsed about. There was a whirr, a hiss and suddenly a spray of chilled water soaked the squad of guards.
Lester shoved Brittany and Seymour aside and bashed his way into a cleaner's cupboard. A "Charlie" brand vacuum cleaner lurked in the depths. Lester gave a satisfied grunt and grabbed it by the hose.
 
"Oi!" Charlie yelped, "I was asleep! We're not on duty until... hey!"
 
Lester ripped the lid off the vacuum cleaner, delved into its innards, found and exposed the fuel cell. Then he tossed the whole thing into the melee of soaking wet guards and fizzy drinks.
 
The whole scene was illuminated in a dazzling display in which Seymour could swear he saw the very skeletons of the men as they writhed in agony. Then, the fuel cell having discharged and the electrical current having overloaded the entire corridor they were plunged into darkness.
 
"What the smegging smeg is smegging going on?!" Seymour demanded in fury. His rage quickly turned to terror however, as the emergency lighting came on.
 
Bathed in red, a tall, gleaming figure stood, legs apart, almost filling the width of the corridor. Clearly metallic, it lumbered forward with slow, methodical steps, crushing coke cans under giant splayed feet. A huge metal arm lifted, hovering over Lester, Brittany and Seymour.
 
"You bloody bastard," came a familiar voice, "you only stole my bloody line, didn't you?"
 
"Dai?" Seymour squinted to see. There was a hiss of hydraulics and the figure's body hinged upwards, allowing the plump engineer to drop down.
 
"Who were you expecting? Father Christmas maybe?"
 
"We thought you were dead!" Seymour gaped. "Crushed by a giant Armadillo."
 
"Ah, you've not met Mrs. Evans have you? God rest her soul. Giant Armadillo's nothing compared to Mrs. Evans when she was in one of her feisty moods of an evening. There's only so many times your pelvis can be crushed before you start finding a way of dealing with it. I just waited for the big fella to get up again, didn't I? Then I found my way to the maintenance bay. Knew you'd be needing a hand, so I made Bertha, there, didn't I?"
 
Lester was inspecting the mechanical monstrosity that Dai Evans had rescued them with. "What's this? It's a vending machine?"
 
"A couple of vending machines. No useful weapons in a pharmacy, see?"
 
Seymour's eyes crossed, "Farm-ah-see-see?"
 
"That's right. Not ones left laying about anyway, so I had to improvise, didn't I? They had a couple of heavy duty power lifters so I grafted on the dispensing mechanisms from the vending machines, didn't I? Got a quite a powerful Can-canon there. Not to mention the water tanks from a couple of coolers."
 
"Dai," Lester said putting a hand on the engineer's shoulder, "we both feel," he said putting his other hand to his chest, "that this is the single coolest thing we've seen all year."
 
"Right, well let's not sit about chatting like a bunch of girls, beg pardon your Majesty. I'll lead the way, won't I?" Dai scrambled back into his customised powerlifter and started it up. Lester followed along with Seymour and the Queen bringing up the rear.
 
<to be continued>Win £3000 to spend on whatever you want at Uni! Click here to WIN!