Pancake over for dinner at the posh Captain's table

Who: Justin Pancake and Callum Kochanski
Where: The Alternate BD where Phelps is the Captain
When: Before Lester's post and just after
Justin and Callum walked off after the Captain, leaving Lester to fix
the problem with the P.E.N.I.S, or MIPMaP or whatever they called it
in the universe this ship came from.
Justin tugged on his Department head's dirty uniform. "We're going for
dinner with the Captain of a starship, isn't that exciting!"
Callum shrugged, although he didn't do it all that often. Justin had
no ideas of grandeur, or ever really had any aspirations to be a
highly-ranked officer, so these types of posh social occasions didn't
present themselves to him very often. His father was an Admiral and
had always pushed him to be the best that he could be, but Justin was
too damned lazy. But thoughts were running through his head right now
that did excite him, like what if he made a good impression? This
Captain might recommend to Captain Chrysler that he should be
promoted. Maybe Chrysler would listen to him.
Justin realised he had got carried away with these thoughts and hadn't
been paying attention to where Captain Phelps had been leading him.
They were now in a very posh dining hall with a very long table
adorned with bouquets of flowers, ornate candlesticks, and pristine
white napkins. The sound of 'Handel's water music' played gently in
the background.
The officers from this Blue Dwarf nodded to him in greeting It was all
very formal and Justin didn't really know what to do. He just waved
his hand and said "Y'alright?"
A nicely dressed waiter showed him to his place, he was about to sit
down and then realised there were no chairs. This was really odd, he
thought. Maybe this universe hadn't invented the chair yet? Or maybe
it was rude to eat while sat down?
The extremely well-dressed Captain Phelps did a brief toast to them,
and referred to them as their "honoured guests". Justin looked around
all embarrassed, but he loved it really.
Justin looked at the spread of cutlery on the table. There seemed to
be several spoons on either side of his plate. They were all slightly
different sizes and he had no idea which to use first.
He stood only a few places away from the Captain, and noticed that the
Captain's food came before anyone else. It was some unrecognisable
dish that the waiter said was "Chicken".
"'Scuse me Captain ...um... Phelps... but, is this really Chicken?"
"Yes of course dear fellow."
"Then why is it all mashed up like this? I mean it's probably really
taste and that, but... well, it's all pasty. It's like baby food."
"Well my dear fellow!" Captain Phelps chuckled. "You wouldn't want
your food to have lumps in it would you?"
Justin paused in confusion as he didn't know how to answer that.
"Um.... well I don't really mind lumps actually."
"You don't mind lumps in your food?" Captain Phelps repeated with shock.
"Well yeah... I just chew them."
Captain Phelps blinked in shock and said really loudly to everyone
else. "Everyone, Justin just told me that he chews his food!"
The entire table chuckled in amusement. Next to him Callum poked him
in the ribs. "I don't get it."
"What's wrong with chewing food?" Justin asked. Again the entire table
laughed.
The Captain wiped his eyes. "Well... my dear chap. I'm just not sure
how one goes about chewing their food. And eating lumpy food? It
sounds a little bit painful to me!"
"No... not really." Justin looked around, he realised now that
everyone was looking at him.
By this time, everyones food had been brought. The Captain started to
eat first.
Justin watched as he unbuckled his belt. Then he dropped hos trousers.
Then he turned around. Then he bent over. By this point Justin's jaw
was dropped with shock at what he was seeing. He wanted to squeeze his
eyes shut at the sight of Captain Phelp's shiny red bottom, but was
curious at what was coming next.
Then he realised he should have shut his eyes.
Captain Phelps took a spoon and spooned the mushy chicken into his
bumhole.
"Oh gross!" Called out Justin Pancake far too loud.
Phelps plucked the empty spoon from his crevice and turned around. "Is
there a problem Mr Pancake?"
Justin tugged at his collor. "Um... well... yes. I just watched you
insert some chicken into your anus, that's what the problem is!"
"Mr Pancake. I am merely eating! As are all the people at this table!"
He pointed around and now everyone had bent over and had started
spooning chicken into their rectums. Justin almost gagged. Especially
when he turned to Callum and realised he was doing exactly the same thing.
"Lieutenant Kochanski!" Justin said.
Callum caught his glance and looked embarrassed. "Hey. When in
Rome...." he said in his defence.
"This is disgusting!" Justin said.
"If this is disgusting, please do show us how you eat then." Said
Captain Phelps.
"Alright then I will!" Justin said, and spooned the chicken into his
mouth. He chewed on it and swallowed.
"Oh my god!" Cried the Captain in disgust. A woman screamed, and
several people started vomiting on themselves. "That is disgusting,
leave this table immediately!" The Captain ordered. And so Justin and
Callum left the table and walked out of the room. Just in time as the
champagne was just about to be served, and Justin didn't want to see
how that was drunk.
Outside the Captain's private function room, Justin and Callum met up
with Lester, who was still wearing a ridiculous EVA suit.
"Don't ask." Said Justin.
"I've fixed the P.E.N.I.S on this ship, we'd better leave because
it'll start migrating back to it's own dimension soon."
They walked to their Starbug in the shuttlebay and headed towards the
next Blue Dwarf. Who knows what would be waiting for them there?
<Tag to Lester or Calum, or anyone else!>