I got Blues so Baaaad...

Where: The Blue Dwarf Captained by Lester Phelps
When: Now
Who: CK, Justin Pancake and Lester Seventeen-Dot-Phelps
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"This is the rest of the crew," Callum continued, waving a hand at the reprobates.Justin Pancake lurched forward and grabbed Captain Lester's hand, pumping it like a bellows in a forge. He had a huge, idiot grin on his face."I'm Justin Pancake, where am I?""I'm sorry?" Captain Phelps blinked at Justin uncomprehendingly."Where's the good looking me? Oh yeah, right here. Ha ha ha ha ha!"Captain Phelps looked for help to Chief Kochanski who grabbed Pancake by the collar and hauled him backwards. "The other idiot with me is well..." he gestured behind him and turned to see that Lester had donned his EVA suit helmet and activated the shielded visor. It's usual use was to protect the wearer's vision when using gamma welders, but it had the side-effect of hiding the user's face."Unit Seventeen," Lester greeted, reverting to his old production line designation. His voice muffled behind the suit's helmet."Unit Seventeen? I don't believe we have such names in our universe," Captain Phelps smiled."I'm a ... cybernetically enhanced humanoid. Drudge class," Lester sighed through the suit."Well, welcome aboard. Do you want to take your EVA suit off?""No," Lester said, "I should get to work."Callum started to explain to Captain Phelps about the Plasma Enticing Nuclear Insertion System, but Phelps didn't seem to understand. Eventually, Phelps' engineer stepped up and suggested that he was actually referring to the Magnetic Irradiated Plasma Manifold Processor, or MIPMaP."It was orignally called a P.E.N.I.S. but we changed the name because it was so stupid.""I'll assign a couple of mechanoids to work with your Unit Seventeen," Captain Phelps said, "perhaps you and your men would care to join us at my table for dinner?"Lester watched the retreating backs of his fellow Dwarfers as they followed Captain Phelps. His forlorn expression was hidden behind his EVA suit. A Kryten series Mechanoid tapped him on the shoulder."I am Kryten, a series four-thousand mechanoid with basic engineering programming. I will assist you in the necessary repairs, Unit Seventeen.""Great," Lester sighed, "it should be on the Promenade, section seven, deck two-eight-seven.""Seven stroke two-eight-seven," Kryten's head twitched as he accessed his internal ship's schematic. "Ah yes, behind the antique book store, next to the Second Church of latter-day Saints.""You mean it's not a...?""Yes?""Nevermind," Lester sighed, "show me where it is."
***
Two hours later, Lester had repaired the damage and without thinking, he removed his EVA suit helmet to wipe the sweat from his eyes."But I... you're..." Kryten stammered, "I suppose it's to be expected with the conjoined universes, but you're the Captain. Aren't you?"Lester heaved another sigh, while SNIDE clung to his collar and made gagging noises, grateful to be released from Lester's suit despite his complete lack of a need to breathe."Yes, I suppose so," Lester closed the control panel on the MIPMaP and picked up his tools."But I'm sure the Captain would like to meet you," Kryten said, not understanding."Well, I don't want to meet him," Lester snapped."But why?""Can you imagine, what it would be like, to meet someone who had achieved amazing things with exactly the same start in life as you?"Kryten looked blank. So Lester tried to put it in a way he would understand:"All right, you and an identical series 4000 are given three military barracks to clean, slop out and perform general menial duties in. By the time you have finished the first one, which proved to be particularly grimy, the other series 4000 has both cleaned and redecorated all three. How would you feel?""Glad for the other mechanoid.""What about your own level of personal achievement? How would you feel it compares?""I would know that I had attempted my best and that the other unit was a better mechanoid."Lester shook his head, "you just don't understand, do you?""If I may sir," Kryten said, looking nervous, "perhaps you do not understand. It is not a good idea to compare our level of achievement by that which others have achieved. Instead, consider what you have done. For example," he indicated the control panel with a wave of his hand, "you have now constructed a repair for this ship that will potentially contribute to saving this and other universes. Isn't that something to be proud of? The Captain hasn't done that. He has instead merely eaten a fine meal and enjoyed a night of socialising."Lester thought about it for a bit, then nodded, "thanks Kryten." He stepped to the door, then looked back over his shoulder. "Is there anything I can do for you?""Oh, I don't think so sir," Kryten waved him away, "I don't tend to want anything."Lester nodded, smiled, then casually pushed a box of books. They fell off the shelf and scattered dust and leather-bound tomes everywhere. The mess was astonishing."Oh!" Kryten exclaimed, placing his hands to his face. "Thank you sir!" He beamed."No problem," Lester said and clamped his helmet back on.
 
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