Jed Calvert's Paradoxical Deathwish pt1

Jed Calvert's Paradoxical Deathwish pt1
Who: Jed Calvert
Where: Blue Dwarf
When: After Jack blew up the SC ship
Jed didn't care so much about what was going on outside, he fast
walked through the Blue Dwarf's busy promenade, clutching his chest in
pain. A self-confessed hardman like Jed would never be worried about
scrapes or bruises he'd normally get in bar brawls or fights with
other smugglers (and he got into them often enough ) but the pain he
was feeling right now was different. It was cellular damage. The
radiation from his ship had damaged his insides, and those
insufferable Blue Dwarf doctors had told him he would die from it
within 48 hours.
He was only just starting to believe them. He would die. And it
wouldn't be the death he expected… or daresay wanted. Jed hadn't ever
exactly wanted death, although in the amount of dodgy smuggling and
backhand deals he's done in his time, he'd faced death many times.
He'd always imagined being shot by a fellow smuggler, or by a
pissed-off customer, or being hunted down by the authorities on an
illegal smuggling run, or at best hoped to die with his boots on
bedding a busty broad.
But after all the danger he'd put himself in, to die from radiation
poisoning just seemed wrong. And Jed hated thinking about it.
He felt weak and noticed a bar on the Promenade.
"Parrotts bar." He said in his southern American drawl. "This hyar
place will do fo' a quick slug o' whiskey. It'll gimme time to cowboy up."
He went in and ordered a shot of whiskey which he downed in one gulp.
Efof was tending the bar this evening, and looked at the scruffy
haired, unshaven man with the hat.
Efof had been around humans for a while, and had probably seen more
human TV than any other human alive, he thought back to the western he
saw last night.
"Excuse me but, are you John Wayne?"
Jed grunted to him.
"Wyatt Earp?"
Jed grunted and downed another whiskey.
"Billy the Kid?"
Jed waved him off but Efof continued to babble.
"I know we've travelled back in time, but I just wondered how far
we've gone. As far as I know, you're a real cowboy. Are you a cowboy?"
Jed looked up.
"No kid, I'm a smuggler. I used to be a starship Captain, but not a
very good one."
"What happened?" Asked Efof, being as curious as a small child.
Jed didn't seem to want to tell, but Efof didn't seem to be going away
until Jed told him.
"I was forced off mah boat. My crew mutinied. Twice now."
Efof rubbed his chin. "Twice huh? Seems like too much of a coincidence."
Jed looked up from hi whiskey and for the first time stared right at
him. Efof suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Jed had an extremely
menacing stare.
"Y'know I've killed far bigger men than you for insinuating far less
than that boy!"
"Oops.. well… ah… I didn't mean. Well in fact I did… but… urm… I was
just joking."
An awkward moment followed. A healthy Jed might have reached across
the bar and knocked the four-armed Ffionian out cold, but at the
moment he was feeling too weak, and was far too proud and stubborn to
admit it.
Instead Jed's attention was diverted when he saw a floating organ in
the shiskey he had been drinking. "Whut in gawds name is that in mah
drink?"
Efof bit his lip. "Oh yeah sorry about that. Its one of my organs. It
was removed last week and doc Keto can't put it back cos he doesn't
know where it goes! I've been putting it in there to preserve it."
Jed sniffed the whiskey he'd been drinking. "It gives it a unique
taste. Pour me another!"
Efof did. Then as if he hadn't had enough due warning. He probed Jed
further. "So what are you going to do now you don't have a ship anymore?"
"Well I'm gonna drink here for another couple of hours, then I'm gonna
have myself a bar brawl in here until you throw me out, then I'll
escape from a cell and sample the `Dwarf's dirtiest whorehouse until I
die of severe radiation poisoning."
"Good plan." Admitted Efof. But unusually for him, he had a better
idea. And he voiced it.
"We've just travelled back in time, what if you go and change what's
happened to you in the past. It might help you now?"
"Pfft." Said Jed. "Ah's not an expert in temporal mechanics, but
surely thet is impostible. If I change my past, I wouldn't have the
need to go back and change my past, so it'd never happen."
Efof was shocked, and didn't hide it.
Jed saw his amazement. "Whut? Jest on account o' of mah floppy hat an'
rough redneck appeareence, yo' reckon I's thick as two short planks is
that it?"
Efof moved the conversation quickly along.
"Okay well it might not make a difference to you, but surely… it'd
make a difference to the other … sorry what's your name?"
"Jed. Jed Calvert."
"It'd make a difference to the other Jed Calvert."
"Whut other Jed Calvert?"
"The other one that's around. We've travelled back in time, so you're
here… but somewhere else."
"I guess."
Efof's eyes glinted as he realised he could now prove a point. "Watch
this I can ring the Blue Dwarf of this time-frame!"
He picked up the bar phone and rang the Blue Dwarf of this time frame.
"Efof? Orrite, it's Efof!"
Jed could hear a muffled voice from the other end of the phone line
say "Hi dude!"
"So hows things going, oh yes, getting ready for the Hymenoptera
invasion of Earth, yeah I remember that time. Do you want to hear
about who wins? Nah I guessed as much,, its like spoiling the end of a
film. Yeah. Yeah. Okay buddy, talk to you later!"
Jed watched with glazed-over eyes as Efof put down the phone to himself.
"See?"
Without saying anything, Jed downed his whiskey and ran as fast as he
could to the flight deck, where he kneecapped the flightdeck
technician that got in his way and stole a Starbug.
----------------------------------------------
Who: Captain Jed Calvert of the JMC Fools Gold
Where: Earth
When: Same time
The Jed Calvert of this timeframe was currently rubbing his hands
together with glee. He had just bought several barrels of moonshine
from a greasy haired redneck in a dirty t-shirt called `Earl'.
He was rubbing his hands together because he knew he'd make a killing
on these barrels. Once Earth was destroyed, these barrels would become
so rare they'd be like gold dust, and could afford Jed an entire
moon-ranch to retire on. All he had to do was hide the barrels from
his crew, who were expecting to use the empty cargo space in their
ship to transport human evacuees.
Little did Jed know that in little over a week's time he'd be sat
naked on a dessert planet, abandoned by his crew.
<To be continued...>