21: The Antidote to Righteousness (Caleb & Noah)

All right, take two. I can do this.
Yesterday caught me a little off guard. I knew Noah was in the library and could sense his feelings like a homing beacon, but I didn't realise that he was coaching Sophie in maths. Based on his feelings, he was equally thrown by the whole thing. He felt surprised and panicked and embarrassed.
And then I let slip that I knew Sophie was stressed, like an idiot, after promising Dr. Samson that I would lie low, and I just really don't want to be thinking about that conversation at all anymore.
But after seeing how Sophie and Noah seemed to be getting along, I'm even more determined to talk to him. Maybe he won't be totally against me trying to apologise. But I think the key is to approach Noah on his own, which is what I'm doing now. Well, he's not entirely on his own; there's a bunch of other kids in the hallway, but at least Sophie isn't going to come popping out of nowhere at any second.
Hopefully.
We are in the academic block and Noah is crouched at one the supply cupboards. It looks like he is trying to get a book that's jammed at the bottom, and I'm hit with the waves of frustration coming off him. It's all tangled and irritated, like when you pull your earbuds out of your bag to find a mess of wires that hardly resembles headphones.
I take a deep breath and walk toward him.
"Hey, Noah."
His head snaps up at me, and oof, instant flood of panic. It feels like I've missed a step going down the stairs; my stomach drops and my heart starts pounding; rivers form in the lines on my palms. Noah's eyes are wide, he has his coloured lenses in and that light. A fluttery feeling swoops into my gut once more. At least this time it feels less invasive, probably because there's so much other stuff to distract from it.
Noah is just staring at me with those big eyes, frozen in place. I always thought the expression ‘deer in the headlights’ was a bit of an exaggeration. I mean, who actually looks like that? But taking in Noah now, it feels like running into some strange, unexpected creature in the woods that doesn't know if you're going to hunt it or help it.
I feel guilty for a second before I remember the ‘uniformed sociopath’ comment about footballers from a couple of months back and a righteous indignation settles in. Just because I'm into football doesn't mean I'm some thug of a bullying jock. And Noah assuming that I am is totally unfair. I've never done anything to make him suspicious of me.
I suddenly realise I've said his name and nothing else and I am essentially towering over the guy in what's probably a pretty intimidating way. Like I could hurt him. Well, not physically.
He's still got his hands on the book stuck in the cupboard and I decide to set aside my bruised ego for a moment and help out. I crouch down next to him and he moves back a bit. The fluttering in my gut intensifies.
Noah yanks his hands away as I move mine toward the book. I pull at it - a biology textbook that's seen better days - until it finally comes free. As I hand it over to Noah, we both stand suddenly, staring blankly at one another.
"Uh, dankie," Noah says in a low voice, looking down at the book that we're both holding from either side. I let go of the book like it's scalding hot and shove my hands into my pockets.
"Yeah, no problem,” I say, trying to remember why I came over here in the first place. He won't meet my eyes, so I'm left looking at his eyelashes. The way they flutter as he blinks draws attention to the unsteadiness in my stomach.
"I liked your presentation on Macbeth," I say a little too loudly, trying to overcome the not-unpleasant twisting in my gut. "It was really smart. I'm not sure I understood all of it but, yeah, good job and everything."
Now I'm the one looking away, too afraid to watch him while I fumble through this, but I sneak a glance at him and see an odd expression on his face. He is staring at me like I'm the strange creature he's stumbled upon in the wilderness.
"Uh, dankie… thanks," he says again, and there's the tiniest wince on his face, like he knows he's repeating himself.
"Do you want to grab lunch later?" I blurt, causing a sharp pinprick of anxiety-fear from Noah.
"Wat?" he asks flatly.
"Uh, do you want to eat together at lunchtime?" I ask again, feeling more stupid with each second that passes. I want to sink into the floor.
"Hoekom… Uh why?" He narrows his eyes at me and something gets jerked back from my torso, like there's a fishing line between us and he's just reeled it in. "Are you looking for a maths tutor or something?"
"No,” I respond, a little insulted. I'm not doing that badly in math. Well, actually, now that he’s mentioned it… Stay on task Caleb stay on task I warn myself.
This is not going very well.
"I was just thinking it might be cool to eat together. They have good pizzas on today," I finish weakly, like that will explain this extremely weird, out-of-the-blue conversation.
"Oh," he says, and there's so much in that one little syllable, even if I can't read every piece of it. The tenuous connection between us grows a little stronger, like maybe he's thinking about casting his line back into the water, and a small bubble of hope starts to
grow in my chest.
Does it belong to him? Or am I really that desperate to hang out with someone who doesn't make me hate my own empathy?
"So...?" I prompt, after a few seconds have passed with him just looking at me with an expression I would have trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem.
"Ja. Okay. Sure," he says, sounding a little more confident with each word.
"Cool. Cool." I nod, faux-casual. "Want to grab food and meet me outside? The table by the outdoor pool?"
That's my favourite spot to eat lunch because it's pretty isolated and I can eat in peace.
"Sure." He draws out the word, narrowing his eyes at me again, and I feel a storm starting to swirl in my stomach, like the pressure you feel right before a downpour. Again, I find myself a little insulted by whatever's running through his head. Does he think I don't want to be seen with him or something?
"No, no, I'm not…" I start, automatically responding to his feelings.
He narrows his eyes at me and I course correct fast.
"I just find the refectory really overwhelming. Where you choose to sit is always such a thing and it's so stuffy with the heat from the kitchen and it’s crowded. So, yeah, I just like to eat outside."
The clouds of his feelings clear a bit and something dawns on his face.
"Oh," he says, a revelation, "that's why you're never in the kafeteria."
He's saying it mostly to himself, nodding, and I take a page from Mr. Riley's book, quirking an eyebrow at him.
"What?" I ask.
Has he noticed my lunch habits? That's... I don't know what that is.
Noah's face instantly gets red and I feel the heat of his embarrassment inside and out.
Seems like he has been noticing my lunch habits. Huh.
"So, the table by the pool?" he deflects. "I'll see you there."
He puts the biology textbook in his bag and slams the cupboard.
"Okay, yeah, see you there,” I say, feeling off-balance by the whole exchange, but not hating it.
He rushes away and as I'm watching him walk down the hall, he turns his head slightly over his shoulder, like he's checking to see that I'm really here. He sees that I'm staring and the smallest smile crosses his mostly confused face. Something in my stomach flutters awake and I don't know if it's his feeling or mine but, for once, I don't really care.