Dude Where's My Tower

Lakey sat at a heavily scarred table, marked with the wear of several decades of use, many of the gouges were likely from manacles being drug across them. Lakey’s hands were similarly bound. He could feel, what was not long ago a close wound beginning to bleed again, the bandage wrapped around his other arm and midsection felt both tacky and crusty with old blood. A strange hat sat askew upon his head, and a single foot was cold having lost a boot at some point in one of the previous events that led him to be incarcerated.

At the opposite side of the table were seated two angry looking wizardly types. Though not the standard wizard, at a glance anyone not in the know would just think them paladin types. Lakey sat quietly as they shared whispers back and forth. Lakey watched as they turned back to him, suspicion in their eyes. He’d been sitting here for hours. “Okay.” the man said, a sceptic tone to his voice. “Can you go over it one more time?” the woman said, “Just so we have things crystal clear.”

Lakey drew his manacled hands to his mouth, taking a drag from the smoke the large man had rolled for him, wincing slightly as his muscles pulled on the wounds.

“Okay…” Lakey said, letting the smoke out. “One more time.

–
Three days prior

“How did things get this out of hand?” Oro asked.

Lakey ran both hands through his hair and clutched the top of his head. “Just let me think,” he said, trying to even process what was happening.

“Lakey!” Ebess half shouted, “Are we where I think we are?” she asked, annoyed.

Illirish turned in a small circle. “I sure hope not.” She said, looking up to the impossibly high ceiling. “I mean how would we have even gotten in here in the first place.”

“Oh…” Oro said coldly. “Lakey would find a way.”

“Hey!” Lakey snapped. “How is this my fault?”

Illirish threw her hands up as she spun to face Lakey. “Oh! I don’t know! Who’s idea was it to drink phase-mushroom tea and go on a midnight walk through the forest? Anyone?”

“Lakey.” Ebess chimed in.

“Lakey.” Illirish confirmed.

“Nobody was complaining when I floated the idea.” Lakey said.

“To be fair nobody thought you’d walk us into a wizard tower.” Oro replied.

“Fair, but neither did I.” Lakey retorted, “But, we have enough tea left we can just drink another dose and walk out of here.”

Ebess pinched the bridge of her nose, and shook her head. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

Illirish turned in a circle again. “No windows or doors…so bad idea or not it might be our only way out.”

Oro rubbed his hands nervously “Who’s tower is this anyone?” he asked nervously.

“Clearly someone important.” Illirish said, craning her head back to try to see the ceiling but it was lost somewhere above. The tower is impossibly high. “I hate wizard architecture.” she said, “It doesn’t make any sense.”

Ebess, “Makes it hard for intruders to intrude, and find anything useful.”

Illirish groaned “Even if that makes sense doesn’t mean it brings me any comfort.”

Oro kept looking up at the large stained glass window, studying the design in detail. “Hmmm…” he said looking around the room. Eyes getting wider as he took more of the tower in. “Oh…oh no…” he said, “I think I know where we are.”

Lakey had cleared a spot in the meantime to sit his tea kit out, “Enlighten us then.” he said, as he started to reheat the magic tea. Its effects were higher in a hot beverage than cold.
Oro laughed a slightly crazy little laugh. “Promise you won’t freak out.” he pleaded with his friends.

Illirish and Ebess both said at the same time “Out with it.”

“Better do as they say.” Lakey said, focused on his work.

“I could be mistaken…but… I think we are in the Wizard Sanctum of Umeffaeh.”

Lakey laughed. “No way.” he said, “His tower would be packed full of defences.”

“Well we didn’t walk in…” Oro said, “We phased in. We might not have tripped anything yet.”

That caused Lakey to stiffen up. “You REALLY know how to make a situation less tense.” he said.

Ebess blinked hard and fast “Umeffaeh? Lakey what did you do? How did we end up in the tower of an arch-mage?”

“I” he said with emphasis. “Didn’t do anything.”

Illirish interupted. “We shouldn’t fight, we need to focus on getting out then we can figure out who to blame.”

“We could not blame anybody.” Lakey suggested, as the kettle started to whistle. “Get your cups.” he said. “Wasn’t expecting to dive back in so soon but, it is what it is.”

“We are so going to get brain damage doing this…” Oro said as he let Lakey pour a small amount of the tea in his cup.

Illirish shook her head “Sweety we already have brain damage letting Lakey be our fearless leader.”

“The brain damage really helps with the fear.” Lakey said.

“Just drink already.” Ebess said, holding her cup for a toast. “Drink it down then hold hands, I don’t want to get separated.

The next few hours went by in a hastily assembled blur of fleeting memories and images, only made real by the marks they left. The tea had worked but they got lost in the near endless rooms in the tower. Lakey remembered being bandaged up twice once by Illirish and once by Ebess, a cut that went untended, a scratch on his cheek and at some point in the aimless wandering he’d found a hat. Slightly too small to fit properly so he sat at a weird angle that he’d in his high mind decided was ‘best’. Just as the tea was starting to wear off again they stepped through another wall, and felt the light, cool breeze of the woods they’d been in before stumbling into the tower. Lakey stopped too soon and everyone bumped into one another. Causing a pile up.

“Freeze.” a gruff male voice said to the pile of ne'er do wells.

“You are under arrest.” a woman’s voice added.

From his face in the dirt with people piled on top of him Lakey raised his hands. It wasn’t the first time he’d heard those words. His friends echoed the gesture.

Hours later he found himself sitting at the table across from the two wizards who’d arrested him, having told the same story going on six times.

“That’s it…” the woman said… “You got unnecessarily high…wandered into the woods and just stumbled into a deceased wizard's tower.”

“Pretty far fetched.” the man said.

“It’s the truth.” Lakey said, shrugging but not meaning to, “I don’t know what to tell you. I thought Wizard towers were more protected than that.”

“You didn’t take anything?” the woman asked.

“You strip searched me when you got me here. Did you find anything?” Lakey asked, annoyed at being asked the same questions over and over again.

“No but that doesn’t mean you didn’t lock it in your brain.” the male wizard said.

Lakey sighed, “I was on phase-shroom tea.” he said, “Do I look smart enough to compartmentalise both worming through reality AND remembering spells I shouldn’t know?”

The man wizard narrowed his eyes and studied Lakey for a moment. “Probably not. But…” he said, “You did break into private property, the next of kin will be contacted to see if they wish to press charges.”

“Can I plead my case with her?” Lakey asked hopeful half standing.

“No way pretty boy.” he said pointing for Lakey to sit back down, “Not going to charm your way of it, if she wants to press charges she’ll do so with the report, not your words.”

Lakey sigh,”Fair…”