Nilples "Always one left over"

Who: Seymour Niples
Where: Mining Facility, Blue Dwarf
Seymour stood awkwardly in a boiler suit, pulling at his clothes.
"Oh my god, I hope nobody from the Royal opera club ever sees me
like this." He moaned. "Why am I doing this again? Royal Ambassadors
should not EVER have to get on their hands and knees and clean alien
body parts out of dirty, barely used parts of starships!"
Captain Alota Chrysler passed by at that particular moment. "You are
helping out of the goodness of your own heart because EVERYONE on
this ship is helping to get the place back to normal too, and it's
unfair that you sit back and watch others work like you usually do."
"But I'm good at that…" Said Seymour. "Its what Royal Ambassadors
do! Why did I let you talk me into this?"
"Oh stop your complaining, its about time you earned your keep
around here. Remember you're only here for some feeble excuse
concocted by the Queen to keep her funding the mission."
"The Queen and I have a special arrangement for the good of the
commonwea-"
"I don't want to hear it Seymour- now get scrubbing! I want to see
this place operational for deep-space mining again, not that we ever
do much mining, but just in case, that clear?"
"Yes Captain." Mumbled the Ambassador. Other workers were cleaning
the same area as him, they were staring at him.
"What are you looking at you common simpletons?" he snapped at the
other workers. "Have you never seen an educated person doing manual
labour before? It does happen you know- in cases of charity like
this!"
"Actually I'm a scientist of anthropology at the British Museum"
said one of the workers in a posh voice. "I only visited the Blue
Dwarf to visit my brother, but then we got lost in Hymenoptera
territory and I havn't been able to get away…"
"Yeah yeah" Said Seymour. "If you were really somebody I would have
caught wind and invited you to afternoon teas, so back to work
common scum!"
Seymour watched everyone work for a while, then thinking he heard
Alota coming back h quickly picked up a broom and started brushing
Hymenoptera legs into a pile. Not that he was scared of the Captain,
or thought he could ever be scared of a woman, but didn't want to
cause her to shout at him again. Alota probably couldn't take the
pressure as much as he did when he was captain he thought to
himself, he pitied her- having to live up to his standards when she
took over as Captain. Although it SEEMED like she was doing a
brilliant job, and it SEEMED like the crew really liked her, and it
SEEMED like the ship was a better place to be with her as Captain,
and it SEEMED like she was a much better captain than him, of course
she still couldn't be as good as he was.
Seymour laughed to himself, pitying her.
"SEYMOUR GET WORKING!" Alota shouted.
"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am!" Seymour bobbed apologetically and
continued working.
Seymour had an idea and turned to the other workers in the
area. "Excuse me fellows, how about you all take a tea break and
I'll finish this area on my own."
"Something to prove eh guv?" Said a cleaner.
"Excuse me?"
"Something to prove? I mean you want to prove yourself to the
capt'n?"
"No of course not, I'm a Royal Ambassador- I have nothing to prove.
Except for my chicken risotto, which you must try one day- its
delightful!"
They looked confused as if wondering where this was going. "Okay
guv, whatever you say, its all yours."
Seymour ushered them out and started work. He fantasised what he
would say to Alota, about how he was so dedicated and committed that
he'd done the entire area himself!
Suddenly he came across a large sphere on the smelting escalator. It
looked like an egg, but learning from the time in his quarters he
knew not to start breaking alien `eggs' in case they turn out to be
large turds again. He still hadn't got rid of the smell from the
last incident, he was just wearing stronger cologne.
Looking around he pressed a chunky red button to his right that
turned on the escalator, meant for carting chunks of space rocks to
the furnace. The platform moved jerkily and the furnace started to
glow red hot. As the egg got closer it started to wriggle. Seymour
watched in horror as in just a few seconds, the heat from the
furnace caused the egg to burst open like a daisy, leaving a curled
up Hymenoptera Beetle. The beetle unravelled itself, and dripped goo
over the floor.
The insect was black, with a shiny hint of green around the edges.
It had two horns on its head like a stag-beetle. The Hymenoptera
immediately charged towards him. Seymour shrieked and clambered up a
ladder on the wall, using a rusted chain to help hoist himself up.
The shriek attracted the attention of a worker who entered. "What
the frell is that?" He asked.
"I've seen it before, it's a Hymenoptera planet destroyer- ships
fire them at planets and they quickly grow to the size of godzilla's
big brother and stomp all over towns and cities."
"Okay…" Said the worker, who was now a lot more informed about this
species of Hymenoptera. "But what's it doing here?"
"It just hatched!" Seymour shouted angrily. "It probably thinks I'm
its mother!"
"That's not so bad surely?"
"Have you SEEN what Hymenoptera do to their mothers???!"
"Dude that's sick!"
"…They EAT them, like spiders."
"Oh, well it's a good job its not a preying mantis, it could want to
mate with you and then bite off your head!"
"Thankyou very much for the vote of confidence" said Seymour,
shouting down from his perch. "Now could one be as good as to help
me?"
The beetle charged towards the man. "Sod that!" He said running
away, leaving Seymour on his own.
The beetle drew itself up to full height, already it was growing. It
spread some wings that emerged from under its shell and flew up to
Seymour, who panicked and climbed further up the ladder. The large
insect hovered around him, so Seymour reached out for another rusted
chain hanging from the ceiling. He grasped at one and it swung him
tarzan-like to the moving elevator.
Suddenly a heroic thought came into his head, which was very unusual
for him. He beckoned the beetle towards him, it stomped over. He
dived out of the way and the beetle jumped towards the furnace, then
stopped with its head in the doorway to the furnace.
"Aha! You're trapped now!" Seymour said, feeling safe and kicking
the beetle up the backside.
Then the beetle turned around. It was too big to fit in the furnace,
it was growing at an incredible speed, it was now 3 times taller
than him. Seymour ran to the crusher, a larger crushing machine for
pounding space rocks. He moved as the beetle dived towards him, and
under the crushing machine. The pounder came down on the beelte's
hard shell and did nothing, it was like a toothpick vs a brick.
Seymour stood in front of the grinder, a massive rotating wheel
meant for compressing rocks into a fine power. The beetle once again
dived for him, missing him and ending up in the grinder. The grinder
wheel sucked the beetle into it, and stopped working once hitting
the tough shell.
"What does it take to kill you!!!" Seymour yelled. Then he noticed
the massive air lock, it was the only thing left big enough to fit
the growing insect into. It was now 10 times taller than him and
growing.
Seymour stood in front of the open airlock door, hoping for the
beetle to pounce again, as it had the 3 times before so he could
lock it in the airlock and flush it into space.
…but the beetle stood there. It was determined not to be tricked
again. Seymour made motions that he was going to go inside the
airlock, hoping the beetle might get the hint and follow. But it
stood there watching him.
"Don't make me go in there too!" Seymour whined.
He saw a spacesuit next to him and sighed. With the beetle watching
curiously, he donned the suit.
Then he backed into the airlock, the beetle this time slowly
followed him, drool dripping from its mouth as it salivated.
The bug slowly and cautiously walked into the huge airlock, Seymour
backed up against the back wall as the beetle got closer and closer.
As it was merely meters away from his helmet, Seymour smacked the
release button and was pulled quickly outwards due to explosive
decompression.
In the seconds of madness that followed, Seymour managed to cling
onto the outside hull and pull himself up to a standing position. He
stood, on the bottom of the `Dwarf, but from his point of view was
just a large flat plane.
He dusted himself off, ready to tell of his heroics. Of course he
would boast a little… okay well a lot.
He turned around and the huge beetle was there. It had grabbed onto
the hull too, and was towering above him, stood on the bottom of the
Blue Dwarf's hull.
Seymour gulped, and then noticed that the beetle was stood directly
over a manoeuvring thruster, the type used to turn the huge ship on
its axis. At the moment vwhile the main engines were offline, the
thrusters were firing every 10 minutes to stop the ship from
drifting or spinning. But that may not be frequent enough.
Seymour very slowly and without any sudden movements got out his
mobile phone which luckily worked with the bluetooth in his
spacesuit helmet. He dialled slowly and painfully.
"Hello Drive Room?" He said nervously. "Time to fire the thrusters!"
"No its not!" came the voice of a young new and stupid pilot.
"Yes it is, I want you to fire them NOW!"
"Are we drifting?"
"No, but I will be very soon- in an aliens stomach, hurry up!"
"Who is this?"
"Oh for Gods sake, it's the almost late Ambassador Niples- just fire
the thrusters will you, yes we are drifting if that helps!"
The thrusters fired, a fiery flame shot out from under the beetle
and the giant beast lost its firm grip on the hull and spiralled off
into space.
Seymour went back to his temporary quarters to have a needed lie-
down in his newly claimed bed (which was either Keats's or Jacks).
In fact he fancied pulling both beds together to make a double.
Keats could always have the floor.