OOC: Classic post

I found this text file of an old post, and it made me have a right old giggle, and by the end I was almost physically laughing. Read it if you want, it's from Alota and Jay's first anniversary. I believe it was a JP between myself and Andy. How we hit upon the crazed Scottish impression I'll never know and additionally, how we made it so smegging long is beyond me too.
Chris Allan aka Dean Thomas
 
THE POST FOLLOWS
 
Alota came over and sat on jay lap and placed her arms around his neck. "I love you Jay Chrysler, happy first anniversary" Suddenly the light dawned.  "Ah...." said Jay.  "Jay....you didn't forget our anniversary did you?" ALota's voice grew with warning,"Well you see it's like this..." Jay began then started telling a wimsical tail about how life had been pretty hectic for the past few days what with dying and all.  The little story came to an end with Alota tapping her foot arms crossed and an angry look on her face,"Are we quite done?" Alota asked voice laced with tension, Jay nodded and gulped,"If you don't want to remember our wedding anniversery then you don't perticularly think high of me on you priorities" she moved to the door,"Normally i'd send you to  the couch but normally you had never forgotten anything such important...now get out!" she shouted pressing the door open switch, the door swooshed open,"But alota...honey?" Jay began"Don't but me out! and i never want to hear from you again" Alota said turning her back as JAy left quickly."Men" she hissed after he left and sat on the couch in a catatonic state.Jay stared at the door for a few seconds. "But...." he said, pathetically.
 
"my wallets in there..."
 
Within an hour Jay was sat at the bar in parrots, and was very very very drunk. So drunk he was in fact talking to a barstool. "Sheeee...." he said "I'm a idyusssh, even wrote it on my calendar..look" Jay showed the stool the back of his hand. "Oopsshhh!, wrong one!" he said, then fell onto the floor.
 
Alota however was stone cold sober, she sat on the couch gripping the handles with unknown strength, the fabric on the couch was ripping under the pressure,
 
"Men" she hissed again "They always fecking forget everything it's so damn predictable" she glared at the dinner she'd laid on "And i went to so much hassle",
 
Getting up she moved to the table and put out the candles, getting changed she threw on her uniform and went towork,
 
"So what if i decided to take the day off, i'm just going to go to work" she marches out of the door and heads towards the drive room intent on forgetting.
 
Crawling to his feet, Jay staggered out onto the promenade, more drunk than he'd been in a very long time. He stopped wehn he found himself face to face witha pair of legs. Following them upwards he saw who the owner was "Since when did I have 3 wives?" he asked, seeing in triplicate
 
Alota stared down at Jay with cold eyes,
 
"Hmm i don't know, since you decided to get absolutly pissed" she hiised preparing to step aside and head to the drive room, she felt a bit sorry for Jay so she helped him up and started dragging him to his office.
 
Once at Jays office she threw him down into his chair, Jay looked up, "I love you...Alota" he said, Alota said nothing, just shook her head and walked out, Jay fell forward and fell asleep on his desk.
 
Alota closed the door but before she left she walked to the drive through pharmacy and picked up some major extra strength superkalafragalistic strength paracetemal and dropped it into jays office before she left...she was left with the image of Jay drooling on some important papers. Heading up to the drive room she looked around saw everything was quiet and thought 'feck it' and went back to her quarters to bed.
 
It was a few hours before Jay regained conciousness. Having diffuculty seeing he fumbled around and eventually found the paracetamol, grabbing a handful he swallowed them and fell backwards ino his chair. He flicked the comm on his desk, Dean, Kara and Phil, can you coem to my office... I need your help with soemthing"
 
Dean, who was on his 5th round of toasties and oiling down some spare engine parts in the shuttlebay, shrugged, got up and left.Dean came back, picked up the toastie machine and left.Dean flew back in and whacked his head off the bulkhead. Dean unplugged the toastie machine and left for Jay's Office. Dean sat in Jay's office, having swung by the "Kwik-Spew" Supermarket to pick up a few things.They discussed design plans for the ship, (and the possible names too) whilst waiting for some more toasties."Why toasties all of a sudden?""Hmm?""Well, for teh last couple of posts all we've been doing is eating toasties.""This is admittedly true, but a toastie machine is far more portable then a bar.""Well, a hip flask..." started Jay.."Jay. That's so stupid I should have said that. You know how much alcohol us two get through. Unless the hip flask was the size of the BD it wouldn't even get us tipsy. A small flaw in your plan I feel.""Oh alright." said Jay, conceding defeat. "Just get the smegging toasties done!"Just then Kara came in."You seen Phil?" asked Jay."Let's stick to whats important!" said Dean. "Would you like a toastie?""make mine a cheese and ham" said Jay "and you got any ketchup?" "Pineapple for me, how can you have ketchup on one of these things Jay?!" Kara said. "Each to their own" Phil walked in, "Whats up mate?""EEEE!"Jay's eyes fell on the midget, "Get that thing out of my office!""He aint gonna do any harm!"Mini=Phil then proceeded to randomly reach out and grab fragile objeects in Jays office, each followed with a much predicted 'smash' "EEE!"said the midget excitedley and started opening Jays filing cabinets and pulling out personell files of all the navigation staff, past and present. "Has he never been house trained?" asked Kara "Hey! he's got my file!""What have you been feeding him man?" Jay asked Phil "Hes more hyper than a sack of rabbits with porn!""Switched him to Pedigree Chum the other day, could be it""Dog food?""Well he got bored of KiteKat" "Right thats it" Jay said and picked up Mini-Phil, "Kara open the door" Kara did so, and  Jay drop kicked Mini-Phil, hearing a pleasing "EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" and a crash as Mini-Phil landed face first in a pile of spare starbug parts out in the corridor. Kara shut the door again, while Jay walked back over to his desk. "Guy's yopu're three of the best friends I have on this ship, so I need your help...WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO TO GET BACK IN ALOTAS GOOD BOOKS?!""You forgot your anniversary didnt you" said Phil "Little bit yeh" Jay repliedDean piped in "You could buy her a toaster"Jay, saying nothing reached into his desk drawer, took out a pencil, walked over to Dean and hit him, hard, in the forehead with it. "HOW BOUT NO!!!!" "I have an idea..." suggested Phil. "Wassit?" "Well, I know someone who might be able to lay their hands on a "special" gift..." "Phil why did you just put quotes round that special?" inquired Jay "That's not important Mr "Whoops I forgot the aniversery of my wedding".." "Point..." pointed out dean, rubbing his head. "Well, In my buisness I get to meat a few well, dodgey blokes...Dean not included...." "Har har bloody har..." You can guess who that was from. "Well...He can lay his hands of some of the more hard to get hold of gifts...Just let me know what you want and I'll pass it on to him..." "What's his name?" There was a small "eeeeeeeeeeeee" from the door to which Jay kicked and there was another thud. "Kev...That's all you need to know..." "Is that 'Honest' Kev?" asked Kara. "Yeah? You know him?" "Yep...sort of...wasn't he the one who sold those 100 'real' Mona Lisa's to those tourits on Titan?" Dean piped up..."And didn he once try to sell Jupiter for...I think it was 2 frogs in a bidet?" "Yeah...Okay he's a little bit mad but he can lay his hands on whatever you want...The question is ...What DO you want?""Well, I still think we should stick with a toastie machine." <THWACK> "Obviously Jay doesn't." Dean finished."Hm..." said Kara."Wait." said Jay, "What are we doing?""Hmm?" said Dean and Phil, in stereo, which prompted them both to shoot a glance at each other."We've got a woman in the room.""You just noticed?" said Dean, not following the point."Try this point." said Phil, placing the pencil against Dean's forehead again."Look, we just ask her!" said Jay"Aaahh, cunning." said Dean"No. Sense!" yelled Phil.<BING>"Oooh." Jay said, breaking off, "toasties are done"Tking a bit out of his toastie he looked at Kara, "so, womans opinion, what do i do?""I told you, put pineapple on it""Ugh...no..ruin a good toastie?! You must be madder than I thought!" Phil said."I meant about Alota!" Jay said"trust me!!!" Dean said "Make her a toastie, if I was mad at Jasmine it would work for me!""WHY AM I EVEN LISTENING TO YOU?!" Jay said, "If it wasnt for ME you and Jasmine wouldnt even be together!, a couple of months with a woman and suddenly your an expert?""Only on toasties" "WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE TOASTIES?"  Jay said, losing it and tossing a whole box of staples at Dean, followed by the stapler, staple remover and a rubber band."Well" said Kara, "Flowers are always a good start" "Hmm..yeh, but I need more, I messed up big....didnt help that my calendars still set on July mind you...""Is that why you forgot my birthday?" Dean said taking a bit out of his toastie. "Er...yeah..that must be it.." Jay said casting a glance to Phil, who shrugged. "Phil, can this dude get flowers?" "Yeh""Can he get ALOT of flowers?""He can get them for anyone, cant he see him have havign any problm getting the for Alota""I'll say that again shall I? Can he get A LOT OF flowers, NOT ALOTA!""So theyre not for ALota then?" The sound of Deans munching was replaced by Jays repeated pounding of his head on the desk."Ok, Phil get on to him, order this for me" Jay said scribbling down a long list of gifts for Alota, and get him to arange for our quarters to be filled with flowers, escpecially roses, theyre her favorite""are they?""Think so...better get some of everything just to make sure""Even Rigelian Man eating daisies?""Except those""And what about the geneticall modified talking pcyhcotic dandelions?" "LOOK just get NORMAL flowers!!!" Jay said, "AND DONT LET MINI-PHIL NEAR THE SOFT TOYS!!!"Phil nodded "and once you've done THAT theres another favour you can all do for me...." Jay said"Jay look I told you, I'm not acting as your pimp again until you buy me that big hat with the feater in it...." joked Phil.
 
Jay had a look that mad Phil shut his mouth..
 
"What is it then?"
 
"My money's on making HIM a toastie." said Dean, poking his head up from underneath the  pile of things that had been thrown at him."Phil?""On it."<THWACK>"Ooh.. look at the stars.""You've been in space how long? and you've only JUST noticed teh stars?" said Kara.Dean shook his head, clearing the cobwebs."Erm. no, oh, yes, Jay, yyou want to elucidate on your plan?"Kara bolted up and pointed to the ceiling casting her toastie to the floor. "That's it! Why didn't I think of this before! It's perfect!" She said. "What? What?" Jay asked. "Set a nice dinner up in the observation deck. A nice view of the stars and a expensive dinner along with some form of jewlery and bam you're back in the game so to say!" Kara suggested."SEE!" said Jay "I knew Kara would pull through!, bloody hell and to think I was ACTULLY listening to you two" he said signalling at Phil and Dean."Well, can I just..." Deans started"Dean is this sentecne gonna contain the word 'toasties?' Jay asked"Not....exactly"Jay, Phil and Kara stared at Dean arms folded."I was gonna suggest that on the night of the meal, you put toasted sandwiches on the menu"Phil grabbed Deans sandwich toaster, puled it away fromt he wall socket and swung it around the back of Deans head, hard, sending Dean reeling forward. "Thanks man""Pleasure"Jay looked up, "Kara you and Dean get a couple of shuttles ready, I'll explain later, Phil, I need you to get Alota to the observation deck by 9pm tonight, and get that list of goods for the same time"Jay, hated ties.  He really really hated ties with a passion, he hated suits to, as amtter of fact he'd rather be subjected to being stuick in an elevator for a week with noone but Charles Keto, Lawrence Trisees and Patrick Cerebrum for company, and not having a gun, or other object that could be used as weapon, if not for his three adoring fans then himself. Thats how much he hated them, and yet here he was on the observation deck, wearing the afore mentioned hated items, and cursing himself for doing so. But then he cursed himself for a lot of things, usually cursing the kind of things he did to be forced into these situation in the first place, upsetting Alota. He had to be more careful, she wasnt just his wife, but as executive officer, second in command of the whole ship, she was also his immediate boss.  Jay was either very brave, or very stupid, possibly both. He spoke into the concealed microphone he was wearing on his collar, "Phil, ETA?"  "Give me second Jay, bloody hell mate" came Phils voice through Jays earpiece."You found her yet?""Yes....""Then whats the problem?" "Honestly?""Please""Im scared""Phil, you're the chief of security""YES JAY BUT I'M ALSO QUITE PARTIAL TO MY NETHER REGIONS!""What?""Alright you come down here and do it then!""No thanks, Dean, Kara, standing by?""Yup, ready when you are""Good, you got the message ready? cos wonce Alotas here I wont be able to speak over the comm anymore""Yeah yeah I got it..." replied Dean"Good!"Jay rememdered somethnig "PHIL!""WHAT NOW?""did you rememebr to order the flowers and stuff?""Yes i remebered the bloody flowers now shut up and let me make the arrest!""oh sorry.." Promenade. Phil Febuggure and Mini-Phil stood side by side, both in identical..(well apart from the size) long black leather jackets, and sunglasses. "Ok MP" said Phil "Lets move""ee"He walked across the promenade's main corridor and approached Alota who was sat at a table outside Starbucks."Hi Phil" she said, absently."Alota Chrysler, I'm arresting you on suspicion of Phils' Rule 4""Rule 4?""Wearing a hideous...oh wait...youre not actually wearing a hat..be right back"Phil dashed of, and contacted Jay on his radio"JAY!  shes not wearing a hat!""WHAT?!  what has that got do with ANYTHING?""I cant arrest her....""Why?""shes not breaking Rule 4""THEN USE ANOTHER RULE MORON!""Hey I dont HAVE to help you!""You do if you dont want Tara to find about the stash of magazines you keep in your office""Those are Mini-Phils!""The other cupboard""Oh...OH!!!!!  consider me helping!"With that he aprroached Alota again. "Alota Chrysler, I'm arresting you on suspicion of breach of Phil's Rule 14""Which is?" said Alota, fed up."Carrying an open umbrella indoors" "I dont HAVE an umbrella, why would I  NEED one on a starship?""Point well taken" said Phil "But I bet you've done it once!""Maybe, back on earth when I was about 12""AAH!!! Hear that Mini-Phil, she pleads guilty!!!""WHAT?!"Before Alota could protest Phil was slapping handcuffs on her and leading her away. "Phil, where are you taking me?""To the brig!!""you expect me to believe that?""Yes""Even though the brigs in the opposite direction from where were going""Its a different brig""Theres only one brig Phil""Not any more"Phil tapped in a code and a door slid open, and he released the cuffs, Alota stepped into the room "This is the observation deck!""Certainly is" said Jay, pulling out a chair from under the table for Alota.Phil left, and Alota looked at Jay "Did you set this up?""Yep""just so you could get me here""Yep""Im still mad at you you realise""Yep" Jay said as he lit the candles.Alota eyed the sread on the table. "You didnt cook did you?, Only...if you did, ...poisoning me wouldnt be the best way to beg for forgiveness!""I thought about that....which is why White Wolf let me borrow WD-40 for the night, he seemed pleased to get rid of him..."Jay sat down, and WD-40 started serving food. Jay, looked up at the stars, then at his watch. "something wrong Jay?" asked Alota "You seem preoccupied""Huh?....oh..no, how could anything be wrong when Im up here with you?"  Jay wondered if that sounded as cheesy as he thought it didHe looked up again, frowning. "guys..." he muttered "where ARE you?"Just then deans voice came over the earpiece. "um..Jay....""You're going to laugh." said Dean."what?" whispered Jay."I've forgotten the message!""It's..<TTSSHCHSSSHCHCH>" Jay started whacking his general neck and chest area, trying to ge the microphone working."Jay, what are you doing?" asked Alota, looking perplexed.Jay thought, still hitting his chest slowly. "I'm.. doing...my...tarzan..impression." he said slowly, thinking it up as he went along"Jay can you hear me?" came Dean over Jay's earpiece. "Listen, I can't hear a word. You're going to have to MIME the message. You got that? MIME the message." Dean switched comms over to the 'bug's main one."Kara?""Uh-huh?" she said from the second bug, which was also circling lazily over the obs deck."You got any idea what the message was?""Nope.""Well, see if you can find any binoculars, Jay's going to try and mime it all for us.""Like Charades?" said Kara, her voice rising slightly with incredulity, "on a date? If he puls this off I think we owe him a few beers.""You might. This little stunt makes me even after the whole Phoenix incident.""What Phoenix incident?""Not important." said Dean, hurried, remembreing that only he and Jay knew about the Phoenix and Jasmine. "You got those binocs?""Getting them now.""Ditto" said Dean, flicking the bug to autopilot and heading towards teh crew lockers. Speaking into his radio he said "Hold in there Jay, we're finding some binoculars." Jay winced back down on the obs deck, and tried to concentrate on Alota and teh food."So." said Alota."Yeah." said Jay."Why the sudden anxiety about the stars?""Well." said Jay, seeing an opening to waste time and mime to Dean,"It's an interesting tale, let me tell it to you. You see one day..." Jay started, standing up and walking over to the glass dome..."Bingo." came Dean's voice in his comm, "We got you loud and clear on the old binoc's there. Ready when you are.""Well," said Jay, "It all started when this wonderful women..." Jay pointed at Alota, with no attempt at subtlety, whilst his other hand made the international charades gesture for 2 syllables."You?" said Dean.Jay started holding two fingers up at the stars, whilst saying, "...who had 2 marvellous friends...""You are? You... two syllables, pointing at, ah, Alota?"Jay started nodding, "...but, one of these friends had a terrible nerve problem, she couldn' stop her head from nodding...""Ok, Kara, you writing this down?" "I got 'Alota' so far." "Well, it's a start." said Dean, "Back to the 'nocs. Ok, he's pointing at himself now.""Well." said Kara, " could be either "Jay" or "I" but which is it?""Erm.. give us a sign Jay." "...Anyway, this friend, happened to be Scottish, and she said "AYE AYE AYE!" all the time whilst nodding her head.""Looks like he's saying "I" a lot." said Kara, "From  the movemnent of his lips, I could be wrong though.""Ok, Jay, we're going with I." said Dean to Jay"... So she was always nodding her head..." said Jay, nodding it extravagantly again."Jay." said Alota, "There had better be a point to this.""There is, honey." "Ok." Said Dean, "based on what's happened, are the next words, am so sorry?""...AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE..." said Jay, nodding again. "Now, Alota, as you can tell, this was a major handicap....""Right, Ok, what we got Kara?""Alota, I am so Sorry, I""that sound right Jay?"AYE AYE AYE AYE.." said Jay, doing another of his disabled scot's routine."You're starting to scare me." said Alota, starting on her rump steak. Kara squinted through  her binoculars, "Is that meant to be a heart or an arse symbol he's making with his hands?"Dean took a longer look, "Well, I'd say it looked like arse. But Alota, I'm sorry, I arse. just doesnt make sense, I'm going with love...""Ok." said Kara adding it onto the list."Love?" said Dean to Jay."...and no one loved her, due to her disability...AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE!""That's annoying from up here." said Kara, "I'd hate to be Alota now." As it was, Alota was starting to consider the extreme possibilty of getting Cerebrum to inspect her husband."This'll take all night." said Kara, "can't we jsut make up the rest? then tell Jay and see if he approves?""Ok." said Dean, before telling Jay of the idea..."AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE..."Kara winced.., "Ok, love you more then I used to?""Nah, how about, "love you more then my ship? No, no, probably cos it just isn't true...""Erm.. Love you more then words can say?""Ok, go with that." said Dean, looking on with amusement as Jay struggled with whatever he was doing... What Jay was doing, was trying now to finish this story, hoping that it made sense, <TTSSCSCCHHTTCH> Jay whacked his chest. "Meanwhile, the other friend, thought that she was tarzan...""Jay, we got you loud and clear!" said Dean,"... and they spent all day involved in their disabiltiies, until, one day, they were both murdered for being so insufferable! And, it is feared, that on the anniversary of their deaths...""ANNIVERSARY!" yeled Dean at Kara, "get anniversary in there.""Happy Anniversary?" suggested Kara."Well? How about Happy Anniversary" asked Dean"..that the beating of the one who thought she was tarzan would loosen the stars, and the nodding of the one who went AYE AYE AYE! would make them fall." said Jay, finally sitting down, sweating after the stress and teh activity."He's up for it I think." said Kara"Ok, what's our message?""Alota, I'm sorry, I love you more then words can say. Happy Anniversary.""Bingo, Move out." said Dean. The bug's swooped out, and starting trailing the oxygen behind them which would freeze to make some wonderful patterns. "Jay, that was bollocks." said Alota, simply. Jay was still scanning the sky, then looked gratified."If it's bollocks, what's that over there?"Alota looked up, to see "Alota, I love you more then words can say, happy anniversary..." being scrawled across the sky,"You put the pilots upto this?" she said, the lovelight back in her eyes?"Thank-you god," murmered Jay, "Dean didn't screw it up."