Dr Keto Tries (In Vain) To Calm Things Down

Dr Keto took a deep breath, facing the door to the main medibay.
Behind the door he could hear a faint noise, the sound of many
dozens of people all murmuring at once. Whether or not this was a
hallucination remained to be seen.
He glanced over his shoulder at the cowering form of Dr Ventrite.
It appeared that having to imagine seventeen things that scared the
living daylights out of him had not been too kind on Dr Ventrite's
nervous system, and he was now crouched in one corner of the office
moaning, "Gur...gur...gur..." repeatedly.
Keto sighed and opened the door.
He was greeted by a crowd of people from all over the ship, all of
whom looked up as the door slid open. For a second, silence fell.
Then suddenly voices broke out all at once, deafening Keto
temporarily. People raised hands to point at hallucinations standing
next to them, some screamed for no apparent reason, Phil the hologram
appeared to have somehow cut his 'H' and half of his hand off, and
the new nurse with certain prominent (ahem) features had just walked
in.
"JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND!" bellowed Keto. Silence fell.
"That's better. Now then..." began Keto, before realising that he
had no real plan of action. He coughed awkwardly, and then decided
that if no plan existed it was best to pretend that one did. It had
worked before.
"Uh...right. Nurse Tara, attend to Mr FeBuggure. Save that fork
for analysis. All you hallucinations, line up on the left side of
the room. All you real people, line up along the right. Yes, what
is it?"
This last question was barked at a security redshirt who had raised
his hand into the air.
"What if we think we're real but we're not sure?"
Damn, thought Keto.
"Go and wait in my office," he nodded. After all, that was pretty
much the state that Ventrite was currently in. "Any other questions?"
He was part worried, part exasperated to find that the big pink
tree raised a branch.
"Yes, what?"
The tree didn't speak. However, it did hold up two twigs.
"What? WHAT?" spluttered Keto, as the tree held one branch up at
an angle to it's head. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?"
"Two words!" called out somebody from the crowd.
"Sounds like..."
The tree nodded its uppermost branches rapidly.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!" screamed Keto. The tree
stopped, then hung its 'head'.
"Just...line up like I said, and let me concentrate on destr...uh,
helping all these hallucinations," said Keto. Then, in a moment of
clarity (and cruelty) he beckoned to the tree. The tree looked
somewhat puzzled, but made its way over to him and followed him into
his office. Keto shut the door in the face of the existentially-
confused security officer.
"Now then, Mr Tree," said Keto, pulling what looked like a small
demister from his laboratory coat pocket, "I wonder if you would like
to participate in a little experiment..."
Without warning, Dr Keto spun round and sprayed the
demister...right into the face of one of the security guards who had
decided to follow. The big tree had ducked.
"Oh bugger," cursed Keto as the officer opened his mouth to
scream. Instead of a scream, however, a small blue pigeon flew out
of his mouth, perched on his head, then squawked and flew off as the
security officer silently melted. All that remained, after thirty
seconds, was a patch of red material on a puddle.
The big pink tree glanced at the puddle, then stared at Keto with
its berries. Keto shrugged.
"Okay, okay," he said, "So it may need a little refining."
The tree looked sceptical.
"Hey, I'd like to see you do better!" challenged Keto.
He was somewhat surprised when the tree nodded, and turned towards
the main laboratory...
==================
Will the Big Pink Tree save the day?
Was the security officer real, or a hallucination?
Will Keto ever actually make a USEFUL ointment?
Find out in the next episode of...Blue Dwarf!