The Fast and the Mildly Irritated

Who: Keto and Cerebrum, the two people who quite possibly are going
to use up this year's quota of words allowed in 'Who' taglines, which
will be a shame because eventually it means we will run out of
Where: Psychiatric and Medical Starbug (the legally-binding ownership
papers for which are now, have always been and perpetually will be in
the mail)
When: Almost at the beginning of a post which is fronted by an
extraordinarily extravagant amount of background information, to whit
the Who, Where and When sections, which is most likely not at all
necessary nor amusing but does serve to annoy and irritate which, let
us not forget, is what Keto and Cerebrum are all about anyway.
======================================
(Aren't you glad that's over?)
<< SNIP >>
"Oh, yeah. Now, what makes this thing turn?" muttered
Cerebrum. "Maybe I should skip my pill and hope to hallucinate that
I'm a skilled pilot."
"With my luck, you'd hallucinate you were a kamikaze," snapped Keto
in response.
<< END SNIP >>
"Maybe this is the button to make it turn left," mused Cerebrum,
apparently oblivious to the enormous, highly-explosive mine directly
in front of the windshield.
"...meep..." is all that managed to emanate from Keto, his eyes
slightly larger than anyone would have thought possible. Cerebrum
shrugged and gingerly pushed the button.
There was a very, very bright flash of light, the sound of several
small impacts along the side of the Starbug's hull, and a shockwave
that threw Keto out of his seat. Cerebrum twanged his safety harness
merrily.
"That," he observed, "Would be the missile controls."
"Please never attempt to do that again," grimaced Keto, testing his
spine to see if any vertebrae had made it through the ordeal intact.
"Oh. Okay. I'll just sit here and let us run into that second
mine, then," nodded Cerebrum.
"SHOOTIT SHOOTIT SHOOTIT!"
There was a second flash of light, set of impacts and shockwave.
"I think I'm getting the hang of this," announced Cerebrum proudly,
as the wrecked and shattered creature that had been Dr Keto crawled
back into its seat and buckled its harness, "I just keep pressing
this whenever a mine, like that one directly ahead, comes close to
us. Watch."
Cerebrum hit the button again.
Nothing happened.
Cerebrum tapped the button once more.
Still nothing happened.
Cerebrum smacked the console with the full force of his fist.
Nothing continued, as always.
"Tell me," asked Cerebrum quietly, "Does 'Out Of Missiles' mean
that we are out of missiles."
"Either that, or the console was produced in an unheard-of country
named Missiles," growled Keto, "Are you telling me that this Starbug
only had two missiles!?"
"It's a Starbug, not my office," sniffed Cerebrum, "You can't
expect much."
"Well, then turn!" shouted Keto, "Just pull the flight stick in any
direction!"
"You mean this flight stick?" asked Cerebrum, holding up a detached
item of said purpose.
"...why is the flight stick not attached to the flight console?"
blinked Keto.
"It was in the way of my feet. It was uncomfortable and bad for my
posture."
"AND BEING BLOWN TO PIECES IS *GOOD* FOR YOUR POSTURE!?"
"It may have a slightly negative effect on it, I confess," admitted
Cerebrum.
"That's it then," sighed Keto, "We're doomed."
"...perhaps not!" stated Cerebrum, leaping up and heading for the
midsection. Keto leapt up, got entangled in his harness, and managed
to follow after a couple of minutes of struggling.
-- Half a minute later --
"We've got about a minute before that thing gets close enough to
detonate! What are you doing!?" yelped Keto, glancing back out at
the approaching mine.
"This!" announced Cerebrum triumphantly, and wheeled something into
view. Keto blinked.
"Isn't that a meson cannon?"
"Yes!"
"But didn't you leave that back at the others' ship?"
"Yes!"
"...am I missing something here?"
"Yes!" grinned Cerebrum, "As if I was going to give them my only
meson cannon! That was merely a copy! THIS is MINE! And now, if
you will excuse me..."
With that, he wheeled the weapon into the airlock and marched back
out, remote trigger in hand.
"By my calculations," he said, marching back to the cockpit with
Keto in tow, "If we open the airlock, the cannon will be sucked out
and will be facing the mine precisely two seconds after ejection.
Firing it then will destroy the mine and anything along our line of
travel for the next few kilometres."
"Brilliant, I have to admit it," said Keto grudgingly as Cerebrum
flicked off the airlock safety control. Then he thought of something
and frowned.
"Twenty seconds until release," said Cerebrum.
"Uh, Cerebrum?"
"Yes? Eighteen."
"You say that what we left behind was just a model of that cannon?"
"Correct. Fifteen."
"A precise, unnoticeable replica? That you copied exactly from
that one that it currently in our airlock?"
"Of course. What's your point? Ten."
"Tell me, did you make the modifications to that one in the airlock
FIRST, and THEN make them to the copy?"
"Yes, stupid, otherwise it wouldn't be an exact copy, would it?
Five."
"But...but doesn't that mean that the one in the airlock would have
the same effects as the one in the...I mean, do you mean to tell me
that the adjusted copy of the original meson cannon in the
airlock...no, wait, I mean..."
"You talk too much. Releasing!" snapped Cerebrum, and flicked the
switch.
"NO!"
Cerebrum released the trigger.
And every light on the Starbug went out.
"Congratulations, Cerebrum. Just when I thought you might have had
a good idea, you fire YET ANOTHER electromagnetic pulse off our port
bow!" growled Keto.
"Actually, that would be the starboard bow."
"I hate you."
"Hey, at least it will have burnt out the detonators of the mines,"
noted Cerebrum.
There was a long pause.
"Oh. Yay," muttered Keto sourly, buckling his harness.
"Well, I didn't hear YOU come up with any better plans!" declared
Cerebrum defensively.
Any further discourse was cut short as the disarmed, unexplosive
but still incredibly large and dense mine crashed into the front of
the drifting Starbug and sent it hurtling out of the pretence of
control.
=============
OOC: Phew. Well, sorry about the sporadic posting, but I hate
revision. *shrugs* :) Tag Ben.