Lt. Cmdr. Jason Smegg - "They're DEAD?!?"
Main engineering
After the evil Blue Dwarf blew up
The chief engineer had been busy for the past 40 minutes or so removing
massive gobs of duck tape from just about everything in sight. Someone
had covered the entire engineering bay with the Handyman's Secret Weapon,
as if that would actually fix anything. After revealing a badly charred
console underneath a six-inch-thick layer of tape, he noticed a sound
coming from an oddly shaped lump on the wall. Investigating, Smegg peeled
off the tape to reveal... more tape... to reveal... more tape... to
reveal... an engineer, struggling to breathe through the minuscule gaps
in the layers of tape and now with very little hair left on his head,
most of it being stuck to the last layer of tape.
"Oh! Sorry!" Smegg exclaimed. "Who taped you up on the wall like this?!"
he asked the now screaming engineer. "No, that doesn't matter," he said,
and dug around in a cabinet until he found a can of the Handyman's Other
Secret Weapon: WD-40. Spraying the WD-40 over the last vestiges of tape
holding the engineer to the wall, Smegg could now remove the tape without
causing any further pain. "Get off to sickbay for some antinflammatory
ointment; you're excused from duty for as long as you like, and when I
find the idiot who taped this place up..."
As the pained, red-skinned engineer ran off to sickbay, a message came
over the intercom. It was the captain. "Ahem. (tap tap) May I have your
attention please for a brief announcement. May I have your attention
please. Ahem. The following crew members were unfortunately killed on a
suicide mission on the Evil Blue Dwarf. Wish, D. Lloyd, P. Loes, K..."
Smegg didn't recognize most of the names; most of them were from
security. But Kieran... Alas poor Kieran, he'd known him... well, not so
well, but there was that one mission with the distress probe stuck in the
asteroid. He remembered almost fondly the way Kieran had yelled at him
for messing with the new defensive weapons on that starbug, almost
blowing up the probe they were sent out to investigate. It was almost
funny, he mused, how when you lost someone, even moments that were no fun
at all at the time were remembered so wistfully.
Then the engineering chief's attention turned back to the captain's
voice. "Memorial services will be held for our departed shipmates at 0900
hours tomorrow morning. What's that Holly? Of course I knew that 0900
hours is in the morning! I was just clarifying that for some of the more
brain-dead members of our security force... ummm... did I say that?"
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One grizzled old sailor to another:
"Well, excuse me for saying so, 'Admiral' Phineas Q. Crunch,
but I still don't quite believe that yarn of yours
about the 'dreaded Cereal Pirates of Azhakbania'!"
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