Niples- HRH Returns to Earth

Seymour, Phil, The Queen, Efof, Jo
New Ibiza
High Noon sun. But its always hot here
----Hot sunny Ibizan snip----
Phil fired the cannon a blue swirly-thing(tm) opened on the beach, giving
one of those dodgey blockes who try and sell you crap watches the fright of
his life.
"You too...MP, get your midget butt over here...We're going to prodd
buttock...."
----end snip----
After Phil left, the remaining party took the wormhole cannon back to the
Queen’s flat as they’d received quite a few funny looks from other
sunbathers. People gathered around a beach DJ thought it was just a cool
special effect.
Efof excitedly touched the cannon and had the urge to press all of the shiny
red buttons on the device at once to see what it would do. Jo slapped his
wrists to stop him from warping them all into the corona of some unknown
hydrogen star.
“Its automatically setting to the new coordinates now Captain.” Jo Peiades
said, reading the cannon’s locator as the coordinates for Earth. More
specific location coordinates could be set manually, and as they were unsure
where to go, they had to do this now.
“Where shall we go to test it?” Jo asked.
“Buckingham Palace, Liverpool, England.” Spoke up the Queen.
“Liverpool?” Questioned Jo. “That sounds like a funny place to put a
palace!”
The queen glared at her and said snobbishly: “Well in the 21st Century the
Royal family didn’t get the respect we deserved from the general public, so
we had to move the palace to chea…er…more economic ground.”
Jo felt like she’d just been told off and entered the coordinates. “Okay get
ready!”
The machine buzzed again and a blue swirly thing that looked remotely like
water gurgling down a bath plug-hole sucked them in.
Seymour, The Queen, Efof, Jo
Liverpool
They stood on a pile of rubble.
“This is familiar…” Said Seymour not wanting to admit that it was rubble
left over from when the Space Eagle’s missiles obliterated Buckingham palace
to escape from the hundreds of Plebian robot spiders.
Queen Brittany-Jennifer Royal fumed. “This isn’t right! The Royal palace
officials told me they were rebuilding the palace….. Quick give me that…”
She snatched the wormhole remote from Jo. The wormhole retracted them back
to New Ibiza for an instant before opening up a new wormhole which took them
to London.
The young Queen beamed with smug delight. “I knew it!” she said excitedly
hugging Efof then selfishly pushing him out of the way.
Buckingham palace had been rebuilt in its rightful place, Buckingham Palace
road.
The Queen ran up to the gate, where a guard in red and a silly black fuzzy
hat stepped out in front of her.
“Excuse me Madame, you’re not allowed inside.”
“But I’m the queen!”
“Dressed like that?” Asked the guard, pointing to the Queen’s bikini and
hotpants.
“Errrrrrm…..”
After a 1600 light year wormhole round-trip later, they managed to get 200
metres from where they originally were. But at least they were now in the
palace.
“Jeeves!” The Queen jumped on her prim royal adviser and gave him a squeeze
much to his surprise and embarrassment.
“I’m back, and I’m going to be Queen for ever and ever and ever!”
“Oh really ma’am? Is this until another clubbing planet opens?”
She gave Jeeves a friendly thump which took the posh man by surprise.
Seymour cleared his throat audibly.
The Queen rushed back to him. She was going to hug him but he resisted,
seeing how embarassed Jeeves was. She gave him a ‘your not getting away that
easily’ look and pounced on him, squeezing him tightly.
“Thanks Seymour, you made me realise that I have an important job to do” She
still didn’t know what it was, but hoped in involved sitting on the throne
all day reading girlie magazines and talking on the phone.
Seymour straightened his jacket. “About our deal… I’ve changed my mind….”
The Queen looked at him expectantly.
“Instead of you reinstating me as Captain of the Blue Dwarf, I want to take
up your offer and become Ambassador. The Captain’s job has too much
paperwork and not enough Tea breaks… Plus I don’t get much time for golf
anymore…”
“Yes you can have the job!” Said The Queen. “But you’re still stationed on
Blue Dwarf, and I want you to report everything that goes on- it must be
really cool!”
Seymour rolled his eyes. Here was he thinking he was getting a proper job
when in fact all he was is the Queen’s messenger.
“Well it was fun being king for a time…” he admitted, and added sceptically
“Except for the blowing up of famous royal palaces, being chased by large
robot spiders, being accused of kidnapping the Queen and being hunted down
by the Royal Guard.”
The Queen giggled.
Jo spoke up now, “What about my cut? I helped too!”
The Queen turned to her, in a good mood she could be very generous.
“What would you like?”
“Well I’d like to become a full member of the Blue Dwarf so that I don’t get
in trouble for being a stowaway, or giving company secrets away.”
“Granted.” Said the Queen quickly.
“Oh that was easy.” Jo admitted. “In that case can I have a new-“
“Don’t push your luck!” She snapped.
The Queen turned to Efof.
“Efof, I’m sorry. You might have thought I used you, and in fact…well I did
didn’t I?”
“Hmmm?” Said Efof, busy looking at the sparkly chandeliers.
Seymour pressed a few buttons on the wormhole remote, the blue glowing
wormhole that would take them back to New Ibiza started to appear. Just
before it sucked him, Efof and Jo through, he tossed the remote to the
queen.
“You’ll be needing this for your vacation home.” He said and dissapeared to
a star very far away.
David "Onion" Ball
Captain Seymour Niples, JMC Blue Dwarf
WWW.BlueDwarf.co.uk
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He went to kiss her, but remembering her recent wave of vomiting, thought
better of it and went to kiss her hand. The first one he went for was
covered in vomit, so he changed his mind and went for the other. That one
was covered in blood.
What a predicament for a gentleman.
(Katrina Swete+Seymour Niples, BlueDwarf.co.uk)
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