Seymour+Katrina "The Queen"

Seymour Niples and Katrina Swete
Space Eagle
Nearly tea-time
Earth
After a fairly lengthy departure from Katrina’s parents house (where her mum
had given them a packed lunch for the journey) the couple set off for
Buckingham palace. They’d been invited to have dinner with the Queen of
England. Katrina was wearing the most elegant dress she owned, and Seymour
was wearing a tuxedo.
The Space Eagle mk 2 sped across the ocean on its way to England. Seymour
showed off how he could cleverly use the Space Eagle’s grappling hook to
snag a bottle of champagne from a cruise liner they passed. He had stored
most of his wine collection from the Blue Dwarf in the back of the Space
Eagle, but they was stored near the engine so were probably warm by now. The
thought of his wine going warm sent a shiver down Seymour’s spine.
They cracked open the champagne and Katrina opened the glove compartment to
find two wine glasses. Not something you usually find in glove compartments-
but this was Seymour’s ship after all. Katrina drank hers happily, Seymour
was driving of course- and he didn’t want to risk getting caught drink
driving and spoiling his squeaky clean pilots licence. So he swirled the
liquid around the glass and sniffed it occasionally.
Katrina laughed at him.
They passed over London, and as they passed Trafalger Square Katrina
squeeled and pointed.
“Isn’t that Efof down there?”
“Where?” Said Seymour looking.
“The guy with the camera…”
“I still can’t see him.”
“The guy with the tourist map looking a bit lost.”
“Where?!”
“The guy wearing the union-jack novelty hat!”
“WHERE?!”
“The guy with 4 arms!”
“Oh yeah…”
Efof Yuw’Anker looked up to see the green Space Eagle hovering above. He
stood back as it descended vertically, his map blew away with the engine
thrust. The engine thrust also blew his union-jack novelty hat off- exposing
his bare head….and certain sexual organs that Ffionians keep on their heads.
Women screamed and mothers covered their children’s eyes. Peoples eyes
widened in shock and kids pointed and laughed.
The Space Eagle lowered to the height Efof could scramble aboard and they
took off again, slightly knocking Nelson’s column as Efof squeezed between
the former captain and his girlfriend in the cockpit.
“Doing a bit of sight-seeing Efof?” Katrina asked.
“Yeah” Efof started excitedly. “There’s so much to see on Earth and I’ve
only seen a small bit of it already I thought I’d start where your from
Captain and then I thought about maybe going to the rest of Europe then work
my way through Africa to china and then Australia and then that big
one…What’s it called? America, yes then America….”
“Slow down Efof!”
“I cant help it I’m so excited!!! I’ve never been to Earth before!!”
“Well we’re going to see the Queen, so…”
“Ooh! Can I come? Can I come?” Efof bounced up and down like a child.
Seymour worried about his image in front of the queen, he didn’t want to be
seen with an excited alien with genitals on his head and an unusual number
of arms. He especially didn’t want to introduce him to the queen by saying
‘Efof Yuw’Anker’. The queen might take offense.
“Of course you can come Efof.” Said Katrina kindly.
Seymour rolled his eyes.
**A few minutes Later**
The Space Eagle landed on the lawn of Buckingham palace. The rolay family
had lost a lot of money over the years so the entire palace had to be
relocated to Liverpool. Efof bounded out excitedly telling the story of his
holiday so far.
“And then I met this designer who told me that 4 arms could be the next big
fashion- he said it would make 2 more sleeves to put adidas stripes, and
more room for digital watches!”
“Right Efof.” Said Seymour, not really listening. He ducked as a drunken
scouser lobbed a bottle at him from behind the railings.
They walked up to the door and a snooty looking butler greeted them.
“Captain Seymour Niples and Miss Katrina Swete?”
“That is correct” Said Seymour. “But can you please leave off the ‘Captain’,
it… didn’t work out.”
“Yess sir.” The butler said in a droning voice. He nodded towards Efof. “And
who is your friend?”
“I’m Efof Yu…”
“His name is Fred.” Seymour quickly butted in. “Fred…erm….Flintstone.”
The butler raised an eyebrow curiously and led them into the house.
The butler led them into an ornately decorated dining room. They sat around
the table, leaving room at the head for the queen to sit. Servants brought
them drinks.
“I wonder what the queen will be like?” Said Efof.
Bearing in mind that the year is 2102, the Royal family tree has altered
slightly in the last 100 years. The queen was 19 years old when she was
crowned, and only one and a half years has passed since, nobody has really
seen or heard from the Queen in that time.
The butler came into the room. “Ladies and Gentlemen and erm….” He gave Efof
a funny look. Efof quickly took a bobble-hat out of his pocket an put it on.
“…Queen Margret.” He bowed and the queen entered the room. In fact she
stomped into the room and scowled at the butler.
“Perkins, how often have I told you I hate being called Margaret- it’s a
f**king stupid name, I want to be called something cool like…Jennifer, or
Britney. Yess, Queen Britney…”
She sat down at the table and put apiece of celery in her mouth and bit it
off violently. She wasn’t dressed in what you would expect a queen to wear,
she was wearing a casual sweater and faded jeans.
“Right so who are you lot them?”
Seymour coughed and introduced himself, he’d been waiting for a moment like
this for his entire life. He drew himself up proudly and put on a posher
voice than normal.
“Maam. I am Seymour Niples, it is an honour, this is…”
“Oh the Captain!” Said the queen, butting in. “Have you found it yet?”
“Excuse me Maam?”
The Red Dwarf, have you found it yet? Not like I give toss really, I was
just curious. Space travel is much more interesting than sitting around here
all day eating grapes and opening bridges and schools every so often.”
“Well Maam, I’m afraid not…”
“Oh, never mind. Probably just a piece of shite anyway, the Red Dwarf I
mean. We put lots of money into these companies and they only go and loose
something, like a 5 mile long ship. How do you loose a 5 mile long ship
anyway?”
“Space is very big Maam.”
“Aww, stop calling me ‘maam’. It sounds so tacky. The whole thing is really,
I’m a bit sick of it to be honest. I’d prefer to do what you do, Captain of
a space vessel, going where you please. Its just so… romantic.”
“About he ‘Captain’ thing Maam.” Seymour started, but she winced at the word
again.
“Would you like to see the garden? Its very nice, we spend a fortune on it.
I don’t really give a shit about it to be honest, I wish they’d just level
it off and build a club. One of those good ones that lasts all night, not
one that finishes at 2am or anything.”
“But we havn’t eaten anything yet.” Said Katrina and the queen urged her and
Seymour to get up. She pushed them out of the big glass sliding door that
looked out onto the glorious garden, and slammed the door again.
That left only Efof sat at the table looking nervous.
The queen walked back to the table and sat on the chair next to Efof, with
her back leaning onto the table. She had long mousey coloured hair which she
flicked back in a seductive manner. Efof kept his eyes straight with
embarrassment.
“Perkins told me your name is Fred Flintstone. But we both know that that’s
not true.”
Efof started to sweat.
“In fact, I don’t even think you’re human.”
“What gives you that idea?” Said Efof, looking up and putting his extra arms
underneath the table.
The Queen moved her face closer to his. For the first time, he saw into her
eyes, and was quite moved at how attractive her bold brown eyes were. She
stroked his slightly greyish Ffionian skin, Efof quivered nervously and
hoped she didn’t notice that his hat had grown.
The young Queen walked around him, trailing her hand around his neck and
brushing his shoulders lightly.
“You know, royal officials keep forcing me to meet men in the hope I’ll get
attached and married to them. Stuck up sons of wealthy businessmen, dukes,
sons of MP’s, they even forced me to go on a date with the President’s son,
what a predictable bastard he was- pulling chairs out for me and opening
doors for me. Ohh lah-di-dah! I’m sick of those kind of people.”
She put her leg over his and sat on his lap facing him. The confused alien
wasn’t used to this kind of behaviour. It was 1000 and two years since he’d
had a date after all.
“But you….you’re …different. There’s something unknown… something exciting
about you.”
“My people died a thousand years ago, I’m the only one left, I was in
statis….” Efof said, feeling he should add to the conversation.
“And unique as well.” She sounded impressed. “Although there is a big age
difference. But what’s a thousand years?!”
A servant came in carrying a silver platter of food. She took a look at the
Queen and Efof’s embrace and walked out again.
“I think we should go somewhere more private…” The queen said brushing her
long shiny hair out of her face.
“What….erm…where…..?” Efof said.
“Your ship. I’ve heard space is very big, and a nice place to be alone.”
“You want me to steal the Captain’s ship?!” Efof said nervously.
She ran her fingers down his chest.
He gulped. “Okay then.”
**Outside**
Seymour was naming all of the flowers to a very bored Katrina when they
suddenly heard a low whining noise.
“Hey, THAT’S THE SPACE EAGLE!!!!!” Seymour shouted as it flew off into the
sky.
Perkins the butler came out to them with a note. “The Queen left this sir.”
He said.
On the note read:
“Just gone out for a bit, don’t know when (if ever) we’ll be back
make that Seymour guy King until I return
-Queen Britney Jennifer Royal”
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David "Onion" Ball
Captain Seymor Niples, J.M.C Blue Dwarf
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Alota was ordeing something from a vending machine.
She kept asking for A Bannna Milkshake, but it kept giving her raw liver..
(Chris Kentlea, BlueDwarf.co.uk)
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