The Phantom Penitence

OOC(out of Character) - I'd like to welcome our two newest members,
Larry & Ashley, to the nuttiest crew in the universe.
- WW
RPG -
-----
Who: Everyone wieghing down the Red Biplane, Oh alright - Cerebrum,
WW, WD-40, Havoc & Dean.
When: Just after Cerebrum lost his notepad to the wind and hopefully
waved his pencil rather menancingly in WW's direction before losing
it too.
Where: The red Biplane, of course. Were you expecting us to be
somewhere else?
---- This Excerpt brought to you by the Snip-a-zoid -----
"Hanging to the landing gear. That's my probability shift device, I
took it off the dead villian, it's mine. Give it back, or I'll be
forced to use psychiatry on you," Cerebrum said threatingly, using
one hand to pull a notepad and pencil out of his pocket.
"NEEP!" yelled the tartan ferret/haggis, being taken from the pocket
and hurtling along at 100 mph at about 5000 feet was not Dean's idea
of an idyllic lifestyle.
"How'd that get here?" yelled Cerebrum, grasping wildly at the
hamster, which was scrambling up the body onto WW's head.
"What is it?" yelled Havoc.
"It's two things sir," said WD-40 calmly, "It appears to be the
mystical creature from Scotland, known as the haggis, but it also
appears to be Pilot Dean Thomas sir."
"Dean?" said WW
"NEEP!"
---- End Excerpt -----
"And here I thought Haggis was some kind of special dish." Said Havoc
from out on the wing, "Now I understand why they looked at me strange
when I tried ordering it at McDonalds. I just thought they were
concerned about a product infringement..."
"So that's your threat, if I don't give you the probability shifter,
Cerebrum? You're going to psycho-analyse a space hamster who's idea
of fun entertainment is playing a round of golf in the world's
largest sandtrap while being accompanied by a mechaniod, two humans,
& a were-haggis... Where'd you get your medical degree from Cerebrum?
Dr. Keto's coin operated school of quackery?!?" Replied White Wolf,
before Dean choose that inopertune moment to slide down the front his
face and block his line of sight.
Cerebrum merely asked as clinicly looking as he could while hanging
from the landing gear of a biplane in flight, "So how does that make
you feel?"
"Well, I don't know... I can't see where I'm flying because I've got
a Were-haggis plastered to my face while someone is trying to pyscho-
analyseme while completely ignoring the fact we're all in mortal
danger... How's about a little NARKED OFF!?!" screamed WW as Dean
went 'Neep'.
"I'll put that down as a 'no comment'" replied Cerebrum while
continuing his analysis without pause, "How long have you had these
hostile feelings towards members of the medical profession?"
"Allow me, sir." Said Wd-40 as he turned around and reached to
retrieve Dean, while the biplane started to barrel roll crazily in
the sky.
"Hey! Watch the ground!!! WATCH THE GROUND!!!" screamed Havoc as the
plane periously dipped and climbed as he got a real close up view of
some of the buildings going by.
"Neep!" Screeched Dean as he was suddenly being shifted back and
forth on White Wolf's face as Wd-40 tried grasping him.
"Let's just say I haven't found them very frickin' useful since I
stopped being human, including this case in point, right now..."
answered the Six foot, One inch tall hamster as he slew the biplanes
flightstick suddenly right, and then back left to barely miss a tall
radio tower mounted on top of one of the taller Cairo buildings.
"Ahh, I see..." Said Cerebrum continuing, "You believe you have
justifible anger towards members of the medical profession because of
your accident..."
"Say now, there's some advantages to flying like this!" Said Havoc as
he wolf whistled at a pair of startled & topless sunbathers as the
biplane flew low over a couple of cairo's penthouses.
"This is not a group therapy session, Mr. Havoc - you'll have to make
an appointment with me later to talk about your libido problems after
I'm done with Commander White Wolf, here." replied Cerebrum coldly.
"Sir, if you would just cooperate, please." said Wd-40 to Dean as he
nearly succeeded in catching ahold of Dean before losing grip of him
in the wind again, causing the Haggis to slap back onto White Wolf's
face and making Dean the Haggis suddenly void his bladder out of
fright as the biplane banked vertically 90 degrees right and narrowly
missed an office building because the impact had made WW flinch.
"Hey, hey... No piddling on your pilots face!" Screamed the indignant
White Wolf while shaking his head trying to see where they were going
(& rid himself of Dean's little present), causing the neeping Dean to
suddenly dig his claws in order to hold on, "OWWW!!! Get the Were-
Haggis off my face!!!"
The biplane went into a heavy spin for several seconds crashing
through several paper banners of the outdoor penthouse style 'Sindbad
Discotheque' dance establishment amid dozens of screams from the
startled patrons.
"Hey, could you turn around? I wouldn't mind doing that again!"
Called Havoc while quickly grabbing off a torn piece of some woman's
black dancing dress from in front of his face.
"Somebody tell me where the hell I can land, before we become
provebial flys**t on someone's wall." Yelled the huge hamster from
behind a flapping paper banner advertising ladies night.
"ahh, I see you have a common complex. Which I like to call, the 'Jay
Chrysler crash landing aversion' complex.", Droned Cerebrum while
lazily spinning a disco ball that was now hanging from his left
foot, "How long have you have been experiencing this? If neccessary,
I can provide an emergency on the spot Hypno-therapy seesion for a
small extra fee..."
"Sir, I suggest you bank 180 degree to our right to avoid impacting
with the Manial Youth Hostel up ahead..." Said Wd-40 as he removed
the paper banner advert, and began pulling on the reluctant Dean who
was clutching on tight for dear life.
WW suddenly swung the flightstick all the way right, causing the
biplance to shudder and bank heavily until the right wing was facing
striaght down, and the left wing striaght up while flying through the
Ali Baba Café's outdoor kitchen.
"You know this cucumber sauce and gyro stuff tastes pretty good, can
you swing over by that mongolian BBQ that I see on the left so I can
get a salad & drink?" Remarked Havoc picking up and sampling one of
the Ali Baba entrees that got stuck on the wing next to him.
The huge hamster suddenly jerked the flightstick quickly back and
forth, causing Havoc to float up and smack the upper wing with the
back of his legs and then slap down on the lower wing hard on his
stomach before leveling the plane out and replying, "Are you finished
being hungry now, Havoc? If not, I'll be happy to provide you some
more incentive to stop thinking about your stomach and thinking about
finding us to some place to land this crate if you prefer..."
"The patient exhibits hostile behavior towards humans..." reads
Cerebrum outloud while using a captured mustard packet to write notes
on the bottom of the plane.
"That way..." whimpered a the stinging and teary eyed Havoc,
gesturing with his head.
"Sir, Might I remind you that Mr. White Wolf's inability to see is
still in effect." Said Wd-40 as he busy delicately prying Deans claws
off WW's face one by one.
"Oh yeah, right. I MEAN LEFT!" said Havoc as he hurriedly corrected
himself as White Wolf directed the biplane periously close to the
bank of Al Samadi on his right and then away.
"Ouch! Nevermind... Leave the cursed Gaggis alone, WD before he
permanently claws my eyes out." said the huge hamster.
"Very well, sir. Shall I try to retrieve Dr. Cerebrum from the
landing gear then?" Asked Wd-40.
"Now, tell me Mister White Wolf, how do you feel when you act out
this hostility towards members of the human race, whom you were once
a member of? Does it disturb you?" inquired Cerebrum as he finished
squeezing the last bit of the mustard out of the packet and finishing
his note writing.
"Nah, leave him down there WD. I want to see what he says when I ask
him how HE feels about being on the bottom of the plane when we
land..." replies White Wolf.
----------------
Ten nerve wrenching minutes later, over a very long stretch of clear
paved road...
"Ease her down, and keep striaght, that's it..." Says Havoc while
directing White Wolf through the landing process as they slowly
inched closer to the road.
"I can finally see! Here Wd-40, take the Were-Haggis will you?"
Yelled White Wolf handing Dean with a few more newly acquired gray
hairs, forward to the mechanoid.
The biplane bounced off the pavement and quickly went airborne again
as Cerebrum lost the disco ball off his foot and remarked, "These are
the classic signs of an esculation of violence common to an
aggression complex which you are exhibiting, Mr. White Wolf, I'd like
to advise..." He paused as he watched the right wheel of the
biplane's landing gear suddenly wooble wildly, come off and veer off
rolling down the road at high speed before finishing in a louder
voice, "STAYING ABSOLUTELY CALM!!!"
The huge hamster looked over his right shoulder, "Hells bells, we
must've took some damage while going through all that stuff back
there because we've just lost the right wheel!!! Somebody pull
Cerebrum up before he becomes the first Blue Dwarf crewmember to
become roadkill... I can only balance this drunken duck on it's left
wheel for for only so long at this airspeed, you know."
Wd-40 quickly stuffed Dean into one of the seat pockets before
getting up and stretching down to reach for him, pausing and then
taking his left arm off and holding it with his right hand and try
again to grab Cerebrum as the biplane bounced a couple more times off
the road on the left wheel and barely stayed level. Wd-40 finally
gave up and exclaimed - "I'm unable to reach him from up here! Mr.
Havoc, can you reach him?"
"I should be getting hazard pay for this." Remarked Havoc as he
slowly inched over to the inside of the wing, and grabs Cerebrum by
the collar with his left hand and quickly yanks him up onto the wing
next to him, just as the biplane bounces once more off the left wheel
and then suddenly rips the landing gear completely off the bottom of
the plane.
"Landward hoe!!!" Screamed the huge hamster as the biplane suddenly
drops and lands on it's belly sending up a shower of sparks in it's
wake and skids along the paved road for a distance before finally
sliding off the road towards a large feul truck at Abdul's Tummy-n-
fuel next to small nearby parish church.
"uh, oh! This ain't looking too good, I think this is where we get
off." says Havoc rolling off the wing of the plane, as he yanks
Cerebrum behind him.
Dean who was just recovering from the shock from his earlier
frighting situation, looks over the top of the seat pocket and Neeps
loudly, then scampers out of the seat pocket and jumps down to the
ground as Wd-40 belatedly tries to catch him. Dean quickly scurries
accross the gravel and underneath the church's front doors, all the
while White Wolf wildly slews the biplanes flightstick right, left,
tehn pulls back on the throttle trying to keep the sliding biplane
from running into the fuel truck.
"Now I know why the pilots always ask thier passengers to remain
seated until the plane comes to a complete stop..." remarks the
relieved looking White Wolf as the biplane's wing slowly missed the
feul truck and the plane comes to a stop alongside an open gas pump,
and a rather estatic looking thin man with a nametag on his uniform
reading 'Syheb' rushes out of the gas stations booth heading towards
them.
As Havoc & Cerebrum jogged to catch up with the plane, White Wolf
quickly jumps out of the plane while saying, "I'm gonna go look for
Dean, while you wait for the others, WD."
Syheb runs up to WD-40 and excitedly asks in broken english, "Would
you want to fill 'er up?"
As Havoc stops alongside and overhears his question, replies "I don't
know if even /WD/ can make this flying deathtrap fly anymore..."
Wd-40's reversed competiveness circuit suddenly kicked in, causing
him reply, "Oh, I most certainly can sir... Just as easily as a
bowling ball can fly.. Now Syheb, you just fill 'er up, while I get
this plane as fit as a fiddle before the Commander returns with our
Haggis."
"You want Haggis? I sell you some Haggis in store." Replies Syheb in
some more mangled english as he unhooks the gas hose and drags it
over to the plane's fuel port and begins pumping gas into the plane.
"No, no, you don't understand. We don't need anymore Gaggis... I mean
Haggis. We've already got our own Haggis, we just need find it."
explains Havoc.
"Was that a freudian slip?" inquires Cerebrum to Havoc.
Havoc gives him a dirty glare.
"I sell you good Haggis! Much better!" says Syheb.
"WE'VE ALREADY GOT OUR OWN! WE NEED TO MAKE REPAIRS ON THE PLANE."
Says Havoc louder.
"You need plane? I got plenty good plane. Syheb sell you." Says Syheb.
"If I can see this plane, Perhaps I can salvage it's parts..." Says
Wd-40 while surveying the damage.
"Syheb sell you good plane." Says Syheb.
"No, we don't need the plane, we just need to look at it to see if we
can use the parts..." Says Havoc begining to sound tired.
----------------
Meanwhile, in the small parish church...
White Wolf walks down the rows of pews looking around for Dean, and
finally gets down on his hands and knees to underneath them.
"You must have an admirable amount of devotion for such as a display
of penance for your sins against the lord, My Son." Says a brown
robed monk while walking up behind the kneeling six foot, one inch
hamster.
White Wolf started to explain while standing up and brushing himself
off, "No, no, this isn't what it looks like. It's not a act of
penitence, Father, I'm looking for my lost Haggis..."
The monk looks shocked as he realises WW was giant hamster himself
and replies sarcastically, "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"
White Wolf's eyes suddenly narrow in anger, and he draws back his
right paw, clenching it into a fist and then quickly slugs the man in
the brown robes, knocking the completely surprised man out through
the churches front doors and flat onto his bum while throwing up a
cloud of dust.
"I lost the faith and dropped out of the church because bigots like
you wanted me to move to a leper colony because you bigots couldn't
handle the way I looked!!!" hollered the angry White Wolf who was
quickly following the man out the door as he crabwalked backwards on
his hands and feet trying to get away from the rapidly advancing huge
hamster.
The angry hamster continued, "If people like /you/ aren't going to
follow the church's teachings about loving your neighbor
unconditionally, then /I'm/ not going to follow the teachings about
forgiving and forgetting!"
The man got up and quickly ran away in fright... The huge hamster
suddenly stopped watching him leave to look up as a Plebian spider
bot fell out of the sky sailing over his head and crash into the far
side of the church.
White Wolf shook his head, walked over to the pilot's seat of the
plane and grabbed out his golf club, then spun around and quickly
walked back to enterance of the church with a look of determination
on his face before entering.
Havoc & Wd-40 looked at each other for several silent moments, which
was suddenly cut as there was a loud mechanical roar of fury followed
by metal striking metal several times. Then, there was a explosion,
and the rear part of the church was suddenly on fire.
The church door opened, and the Six foot, one inch hamster came
walking out while carrying a broken golf club in one paw, and Dean in
the other. He stops in front of Cerebrum, and hands Dean back to him.
Then reaches up and feels around his left cheek pouch, then his right
cheek pouch, finally pulling a very thin roll of duct tape and
casually starts taping his golf club back togehter when with a
loud... 'Skkkriiitch'... He runs out of duct tape before he can
finish his repair.
The voluminous hamster merely stares at the empty circular cardboard
tube in total disbelief, before letting out a long
anguished "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!" as the rest of the
church explodes in the background.
<TAG - Dean, Cerebrum, or anyone else interested in participating in
a hamsterish panic attack...>
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OOC - BTW, I'd like a refresher... How does the plan for saving earth
go again?
- WW