Captain Niples "My arm wants to get legless"

Blue Dwarf, Captains Quarters
After getting back to the ship
Captain Seymour Niples
 
Seymour looked down at his Plebian arm. It was hairy and horrible, it had even somehow managed to grow tatoos saying "Man U 4 ever." and "I luv Stella" where the name Tracy had been sloppily written over another name underneath. No matter how much he kept washing the arm, it was still dirty. He even used L'oriel Elvive on the bristly arm hair and Oil of Ulay on the palms but it still wasn't as smooth and silky as the skin on his other hand.
 
"Whats wrong with you arm darling?" Katrina asked as she saw Seymour examining it in the mirror. From the en suite kitchen.
 
"Erm...nothing Dear. I must have sprained it when fighting the robots. Its fine." The captain put a long sleeved shirt on to quickly to hide the tatoos. He was too embarassed to tell Katrina that he had the arm of a stupid, hairy buffoon.
She wrapped her arms around his waist as he buttoned the cuffs. "My hero" Katrina said dreemily. "I have the bravest man in the world.... is that Oil of Ulay I can smell?"
 
Seymour suickly stepped away from her. "Erm, not it must be the smell of the chicken marinating. Its a new sauce I got sent all the way from the moon of Shelsi 7."
 
"Riight." Katrina said, not sounding too conviced. She went into the kitchen to check on the cooking. It was usually Seymour that cooked, he fancied himself as a bot of a culinery expert. Katrina didn't mind, although she was still getting used to the rich food he prefers.
 
Seymour opened his wine cabinet and consulted his chart. He had written down a list of meals, and matched them to the specific wine which went best with it, along with the appropriate day of the week and cross-referenced with the optimum temperature the wine had to be served at. He reached for a certain red wine when his Plebian arm snatched his other arm away.
 
"What's wrong?" Seymour growled to the arm in a hushed voice so that Katrina wouldn't suspect anything.
The arm balled its fist at him in protest at the wine and wrote in the condensation of the glass of the chilled wine cabinet.
 
BEER.
 
"Beer? I hate beer!" Seymour whispered and held his head up high.
The arm stuck out and waved two fingers at Katrina who was still in the kitchen facing away from him.
"Stop it! She might turn around and see me!!"
 
"What's that Seymour?" Katrina asked upon hearing him speak, but luckily still not turning around.
The arm carried on waving. This time only leaving its middle finger up.
 
"Okay okay." Seymour gave in, going bright red with embarassment. "We'll have a quick one in Parrotts."
He walked out of his apartment, calling back to his girlfriend that he'd be back soon.
She came out fo the kitchen with a potato masher in one hand and a herb-sprinkler in the other wondering where on earth he could have gone.
 
**Parrotts Bar**
 
"Ahh Captain." Said barman Owen Numan. "I dont often see you in here."
"I just though I'd pop in and see how crew morale is keeping up." he lied, looking around at the drunken faces.
"What can I get you?" asked Owen, walking over to his limited selection of wines.
"I'll have a ....beer please." Seymour said.
Owen moved his head, thinking he had mis-heard the Captain.
 
"Sorry, did you say Red Austrian Rose'?"
Seymours hand firmly grabbed his testicles and squeezed, forcing the words out of his mouth. It seemed painful to say the words he was saying.
"No...I said  ...I want a ..... a beer."
"What? Not a red Malaysian dry?
"Erm....n.n.no."
"Not a sweet white chardonnay?"
"Well ma...." The hands grip got further, making Seymour squeel slightly.
"No! I want a BEER!" The word was forced out of his mouth quite loudly making people turn their heads and stop talking.
 
Seymour sweated under the glares of everyone. It was so unusual to see the Captain buying a beer.
Owens eyes widened in surprise. "Are you sure? What kind do you want?"
"Guiness please."
The arm started squeezing again.
"Whats wrong with Guinness?" Seymour snapped at the arm.
"Ah, no. I'll have lager." He looked around the bar, Carling, John Smiths and Fosters were on tap. Plus lots more.
 
"I'll tell you what, I'll give you some special stuff." Owen smiled. "Some of the Engineering lads helped me bring back a few barrells from Plebe. I got them at a dirt cheap price when the civil war started."
 
Great. Thought Niples. The hand started shaking in anticipation as the pint glass was placed in front of him. The arm gripped the glass and tipped a mouthful into Seymour's mouth. His tastebuds weren't used to this foul bitter liquid but he had to drink it, or the arm would tip it all over his face. And he didn't want to get beer stains on his expensive shirt. His mother had bought him it from Harrodds.
 
"Ekkkack!" he said as the arm put the pint on the table for a rest.
 
"Captain?" Came a surprised voice next to him. "I don't normally see you down here."
 
Seymour turned around to see......
 
 
<<Who wants to join in? I'm trying to keep up this weekend. I'll try and get the main action going again soon too.>>
 
================================David "Onion" BallCaptain Seymor Niples, J.M.C Blue Dwarf================================Alota was ordeing something from a vending machine.
She kept asking for A Bannna Milkshake, but it kept giving her raw liver..
 (Chris Allan)====================================