**Action** "Military contradiction"
**Action** "Military contradiction" (By David Ball (mostly) and Andrew Bowers (minority))
On the Blue Dwarf
Commander Niples held his sore nose, blood was trickling through his fingers. "What was that for?!" He shouted at Harris who had just headbutted him.
"It's been overdue since that bloody chicken!" Harris hissed and then turned away from the bleeding commander and said. "Alright people, lets kill us some bugs!"
Not bloody likely, thought Niples to himself and walked off in a huff. Harris could get himself killed if he wanted to, but he was off to sickbay.
"Oh, Niples!" Harris snapped at the Commander.
Niples turned towards the Major.
"I have done far worse things, Commander." Harris told Niples in a tone he didn't like.
"Is that a threat, Major?!" Niples responded.
Harris didn't answer, he just hit the open button for the doors into the crew storage and lead the security team into the crew storage.
*****Sickbay*****
As the former chief medical officer Sydney Van Threk had been killed on the planet Ffion, the other doctors were working hard to sort out her stuff. They found that the multicolour-eyed doctor Van Threk had listed all of the patient's records in "Martian" alphabetical order rather than the standard. Which made it completely impossible for anyone else to sort out, so the "rastafarian wannabee" Dr. Ventrite and the "ointment-loving" Dr. Keto had a lot to sort out.
As well as the gruelling job of categorising Dr. Van Threks "Snapshots of the human body: Inside and out" collection.
Commander Niples walked in with bled all over the carpet. Nurse Coffey who was currently running around with bedpans for desperate patients came to him as soon as she had time.
She rather hurredly shoved some cotton wool up his nose and fetched a bucket before one of the green patients in the far bed puked carrot lumps all over the floor.
"Is everything alright?" Niples asked the never-stopping nurse.
"Fine" she mumbled, "There was a small theta-radiation leak on deck 52, we're keeping all those infected in for radiation burns and sickness. Dr. Keto's working on some ointment now.
Niples looked over the the med-lab and saw Dr. Keto mixing a huge vat of boiling ointment with a long spoon. It wouldn't suprise him if he was saying "Bubble bubble, toil and trouble" as he stirred the thick goo.
Niples left the Sickbay and went to his office. He had to write a report about the last mission and send it to the Jupiter Mining Corporation command for review.
Oh such fun.....
As he did this, he also sent a request for more Starbugs to be send to them. God knows how many they've lost in the last few months, but they only had a few substitutes left.
Besides, the guy who changes the number plates from "Starbug (something)" to "Starbug 1" whenever they lost another one was getting tired of his job.
When he finished writing his report, he e-mailed it to the very important e-mail address of: Theguywhoreadsthemail@...
*****Sickbay*****
The security team entered sickbay minus one. Hundson hadn't been seen since the bugs dragged him off screaming. Its not fair man! Its not fair!
Donover had his usual run of luck as he had been used a bait to lure the bugs out into the open where the security team could deal with the overgrown insects.
"Three dozen bloody bugs!" Harris snarled as a nurse saw to him. A bug tried to chew off his hand only to have its' head smashed in with a large hammer and Harris got a eyeful of bug juice. Altogether there was three dozen bugs and the security team got them all before they had a chance to spread throughout the ship.
The Major's hand was bandaged up and the nurse went to get something for his eye as it had been infected meaning he would have to wear a eye patch and keep using medication that had to be dropped into the eye directly until the infection cleared up.
"I hat my life!" Harris hissed.
*****************
Blue Dwarf
Stardate 5.11.2100
Time: 12:45 PM
*****Captains office*****
Captain Cannon was in one of his rare moods where he was thinking about doing something useful so he checked his messages. One message was from the Space Core, Earth's primary defence force.
(Earths secondary defence force is the Salvation army...they send shivvers down my spine)
With eagerness, the Captain printed out the message and read it aloud.
"To the Commanding officer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship 'Blue Dwarf'.
We recently recieved your report on the away mission to the planet entitled "Ffion" and believe that your accounts of the events may have been altered in some way. In short, giant bugs and alien motherships are just not believable. Especially as we know that aliens do NOT exist.
And although we do not believe you are in any danger from alien life forms, we are going to give you our newest "Space combat fighter" called the 'SpaceEagle'.
The space eagle comes equipped with powerful pulse weapons and missiles, but must not be used on 'ficticious' alien fighters.
You must go to the Vega 22 Space Core combat station to pick up your new fighter and replacement Starbugs.
Message ends"
With a Homer Simpson style, "Wahoo" Cannon immediately told Navigation officer Kieran Loes to set course to the Vega 22 Combat station.
*****30 minutes later*****
Niples walked into the Captains office. Cannon quickly gave him the message, which Seymour took and read.
One thing didn't make sense to him. If the military denied that aliens existed, then why were they giving them a small attack craft to fight against......well, presumably aliens.
But despite that, the pilot inside Seymour desperately wanted to get his hands on the controls of the new ship, and do some impressive zero gravity stunts to show off to the ladies. One lady in particular.
He only hoped to hell that Kayn didn't get his hands on the fighter first.
"We'll get to the Station by next week" said Cannon.
"But what about our search for the Red Dwarf?" asked Seymour.
Cannon thought about the shiny weapons on the SpaceEagle fighter.
"Fuck the Red Dwarf."
Niples smiled. "Yes sir!"
**********************************
Time 18:00
The Blue Dwarf "Party room" on deck 34
A big bash had been organised to welcome back the crew from the dangerous away mission. Well, actually, nobody cared about the away-mission, it was just an excuse for a party.
As usual Harris wasn't attending. The Major just stayed in his office get more of that annoying paper work out of the way and the fact he was blind of his right side because of that damn eye patch he had to wear until his eye infection cleared up had been a major factor in his evening plans.
A few technicians had been brought together to form an amateur band who played on the stage to the increasingly drunken audience. Due to bad organising, the blonde assistant sensor operator had been assigned to do the lights for the party, so they spent most of the time in complete darkness.
At least there were bucket-loads of beer to go around, and people seemed to be enjoying themselves, despite the bad music and poor lighting.
Half way through the evening, Captain Cannon walked drunkenly up to the podium on the stage. Seymour had to point him in the right direction and make sure he didn't fall over first.
The band stopped. People turned to listen to the Captain.
Cannon wiped the potato salad from his replica tux and leaned on the podium.
"Iiii'd like you have your attention pleassssse." he said.
As nobody was talking anyway, this was a bit pointless. He looked around and continued.
"I havvve goood news..... Somme of you have worked harrrrd andddd achieved lots these last few months in our mission, some of you may have only come aboard the ship but...."
He accidently knowed the papers containing his speech off the stand, where they fluttered into the audience.
"Ummmm, anyway... I uhhhhh." He struggled without his speech. "Some people are getting promoted."
Seymour groaned as he saw the captain mess things up. He walked on stage with a list of the people getting promoted.
Cannon snatched the paper off him and announced loudly through the microphone:
Kayn Bestrom is being promoted to Lieutenant junior grade,
Nik Florentyn promoted to Lieutenant junior grade,
Steev MAckEnzyyyyy promoted to Lieutenant junior grade,
Jason Smegg promoted to Lieutenant Commander,
Phil Febuggure promoted to position of Chief Science officer,
Dr. Charles Keto promoted to Chief Doctor,
Tiny Jackson promoted to Sergeant-Major (Note. The rank of Sergeant-Major is lower then Lieutenant),
Robert Donover promoted to Sergeant,
Penny Lloyd promoted to Ensign,
Doom Harbringer promoted to Ensign.
OOC- Congratulations everyone who has been promoted, all those of you who haven't, then its either because you're too new or you haven't done enough work.
Everyone feel free to extend the party.
Who gets pissed out of their brain?
Who sneaks under the table and looks under the girls' skirts?
Who's the first person the hear the line "get your coat- you've pulled"? (Most like Penny Lloyd if Niples has the bottle)