Apocalypse Late
James considered the strange man's offer, you see he had a secret, a dark,
dark secret which he hoped no one would ever find out. More embarrassing
than the time had his clothes stolen during swimming lessons, more
incriminating than his secret horde of Star Trek Videos, not quite as
dangerous as the pointy ears he kept for conventions. James couldn't
actually fly, he'd hoped to improvise when he'd boarded the Blue Midget, but
to be honest out here in the depths of space it seemed slightly harder, and
no matter how mad the guy in the pilot seat was, he hadn't crashed yet.
James sat down in the co-pilot's seat, "Listen Mister..."
"I AM THE HARBINGER OF DOOM!"
"Mister Doom, I'm afraid there's been a bit of an administrative cock up on
the apocalypse front."
The Harbinger of Doom turned to James, a mad frown on his mad face,
"ADMINISTRATIVE COCK UP!?" he bellowed.
"Um, yep. You see, the apocalypse? You sort of, missed it..."
"WHAT!" Doom rose to his feet.
"Look," James tapped into the shipboard cameras of the landed Starbug. A
desolate landscape appeared on the screen, smashed up buildings, barren sand
dunes, the away team walking away on the horizon.
"I MISSED IT?" Doom boomed, sounding slightly confused.
"According to our readings we were six hundred years too late..." James said
apologetically.
Doom slumped to his chair, "I HAVE FAILED?"
"No no no!" James said, he didn't know what nutters did when they had failed
their life's work, but he didn't think it included safe pilotting, "This is
what you might call a, a prelude, if you will. Yes that's right, this planet
was destroyed as a warning to others!"
"WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW MORTAL?!" Doom said.
"Well obviously the apocalypse can't have arrived properly can it? Otherwise
we wouldn't be here, the world would have ended," James explained
desperately.
"SO I MUST CONTINUE MY MISSION!"
"Wait!" James said, "Look, you want to warn everyone of the apocalypse,
right?"
"IT IS MY DESTINY! MY ROLE IN THE COSMIC PLAN! MY MOVE ON THE CHESS BOARD OF
THE GODS! MY CAMEO IN THE SOAP OPERA OF THE STARS!!"
"So yes then?" James finished, "Well, you can't really warn people of the
apocalypse unless you know everything about it. I mean you have to get your
facts straight, otherwise people might think you're just a nutter with a
loud voice..."
"WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE PRAWN OF SATAN!" Doom shouted.
"Well, that space station will probably tell us what happened here, so if we
go there, you can find out what you need to know about the apocalypse, then
we can get back to Blue Dwarf and tell everybody, right, hey I'll even paint
you a new sandwich board!" James offered.
Doom nodded, "THE GODS MUST HAVE SENT YOU HERE FOR A REASON! MAYBE THERE IS
TRUTH IN WHAT YOU SAY!"
"Um, maybe?" James said.
"VERY WELL! WE WILL GO TO YOUR SPACE STATION! AND IF WHAT I SEEK ISN'T
THERE? I'LL KILL YOU FOR YOUR SLANDER!"
"Kill me?!" James shrieked, shocked.
"Just a little joke," Doom shrugged, "TO THE SPACE STATION!"
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