**Actionette** "Coming home"

***JMC HQ, Grimsby, England, Earth***
18/6/2101
1:45PM
 
The SpaceEagle descended from the cloudy sky and parked on the top of the huge dirty-grey building. Captain Niples opened the cockpit hatch and immediately coughed at the thick smokey air from the industrial plants. He locked the craft with his remote key.
 
The Captain walked across the building's roof/car park and noticed that his craft wasn't the only one which bore the Blue Dwarf insignia. A Blue Midget was parked near the rooftop entrance, it was parked oddly in two spaces, as if the pilot hadn't been bothered to park it correctly. Niples saw a traffic warden approach with a "careless parking" ticket and quickly said to her.
"It's okay, this craft's here on official Space-core business."
He flashed her his Captain's stripes and walked on.
 
The traffic warden ignored him and gave the Blue Midget a ticket anyway, and gave the SpaceEagle one too, just because she was in a bad mood.
 
***Inside the building***
Captain Seymour Niples got out of the lift and walked directly into the reception of Chairmen Eckerslike. The receptionist didn't look up as he approached, but merely waved at a chair, indicating for him to sit and wait.
 
Seymour saw a man with four arms wearing a hat, and another scruffyer man. The first he immediately recognised as Efof, and the other man he didn't know.
"Hello gents." he said politely. "have you any idea what this is all about? I just got an urgent call from the JMC saying that the chairman wanted to see me. I was just about to head back to the Blue Dwarf as well."
 
Efof shrugged, as did the other man.
 
Niples sat down beside Efof, who looked like he didn't particularly care about any of the current situation. He chewed his fingernails and spat them out into the bin across the room. Everytime one went 'ping', the receptionist looked up in disgust.
"So what's been happening on the Blue Dwarf while I was away?" enquired the Captain.
"Well we found an escape pod from the Red Dwarf...." Efof started saying with a mild disinterest.
"Oh really? That sounds pretty interesting. Was it anyone important?"
 
"Nahh," said Efof. "It was him."
Chen waved back nervously.
 
The receptionist's phone rang, she picked it up and after about five seconds she turned to the two Blue Dwarf officers and their guest and said: "The chairman will see you now."
 
***Chairman Eckerslike's office***
 
The two humans and one Ffionian walked into the rather large and impressively scary office. The chairman swivelled around on his black leather chair to face them. Niples thought he had a cat on his lap, but it was just the Chairman's hairy hands.
 
"Please be seated gentlemen." Eckerslike said.
They did as they were told.
Last time Niples met Eckerlike it wasn't on good terms, it was the trial of the former captain Will. D. Cannon. Eckerslike was trying to defend his friend, and won. But since then, Captain Cannon had killed himself on a revenge attack on the gelfs that had killed his family. Niples felt he should say something about this to Eckerlike, like Cannon was a good man, Cannon was a decent man, Cannon was a brave man... but it would all be lies.
 
"Before we begin," started the chairman. "I would like to say that I do not hold you responsible for the death of my friend and your former Captain, Will Cannon."
Niples couldn't believe it. How could he even say that? He WASN'T responsible in ANY way. But he let the comment pass for fear of loosing his job. The chairman was a powerful man.
He smiled half-heartedly and bit his tongue.
 
"Now," Eckerslike interlaced his fingers as he spoke. "As you probably all know, the Blue Dwarf found a crewmember from the missing mining ship Red Dwarf. Is that not correct?"
"Efof grunted."
"And is it correct that you....Mr....erm...Chen are that crewmember?
"Yes sir....that's me!" said Chen, quite gleefully. This was probably the first meeting he'd been in and was enjoying the authority. He saluted too, but Niples nudged him to stop him from going too over the top.
 
"So, Mr. Chen. Would you mind telling me what has happened to the Red Dwarf and why it has been missing for the past 2 years?"
 
"I dont know."
 
"What?!!!!" Eckerslike stood up with rage. "We've been searching for years, we have the luck to find one surviver- just one, but that is enough to be a small miracle to this company. And you say you dont know what happened. You were THERE!!!"
"Please sir, clam down" said the captain.
"SHUT UP NIPLES!"
"yes sir."
"Well there was a fire.... and I got into an escape pod. I think the ship blew up, but I'm not really sure...." Said Chen.
 
"You're not REALLY sure?" Eckerslike mimicked.
"Well no, not really. I had been drinking.....a bit."
The chairman was fuming. He looked at Niples and Efof. "Well I think you two had better go. If the Blue Dwarf Is still out there, I'd like you to find it as quickly as possible."
"....Unless it did blow up....." said Chen, then immediately shut up.
 
"Yes sir. We'll get back to the ship as soon as we can sir." Niples saluted and walked out of the office. He thought Efof was following, but he had lingered back a while.
 
"Excuse me Mr....erm...."
"Efof." Said the Ffionian. "Efof Yuw'anker."
"EXCUSE ME?!!!!!" asked the Chairman, unbelieving that anyone could say such a thing to him. "What did you say to me?!"
"Efof, Yuw'anker." Efof was puzzled. He'd wondered if his hat had slipped off again, bareing all. But it was in the right place.
The chairman fumed and Efof ran out of the office and didn't stop until he'd passed Niples and was in the lift.
By the time Seymout had reached the Car Park, Efof was already warming up the engine of the SpaceEagle.
"Hey! That's my ship!" yelled Niples and scrabled into the cockpit of the green fighter craft just before it took off. He sat in the back seat with Efof at the front.
 
***Back in Eckerslike's office***
 
The chairman pressed the button for the automatic office doors to close and picked up his phone to the receptionist.
"Did anything strike you as different about that man?" he asked.
"You mean the fact he had four arms and a suspicious lump under his hat?" the receptionist replied.
"Hmmmm..... I think I'll call my friends at the Extraterestrial Biological Entity Department...."
But in the meanwhile he turned to Chen who was sat uncomfortably on his chair.
"Now, Mr. Chen, I'd like you to tell me the absolute truth about what happened on the Red Dwarf. Or my friend here will have to pursuade you.
 
Chen turned around to see a man dressed like a doctor holding an array of sharp tools and a special whiny drill which he turned on and off just for fear effect.
 
Chen whimpered.
 
***In the SpaceEagle***
 
"Where too Guv'nor?" said Efof, mimicking his cockney accent that he was learning by watching Eastenders.
"Back home, to the Blue Dwarf!" Niples said.
 
"Oh great." Said Efof. "We now get to watch Big Brother for two weeks."
"Oh really? Who's in it?" asked Niples.
"Alotta, Jay, Kayn, Keto, Katrina, Owen, Phil, Tara, Zack and ermmm....Zodar."
The thought of watching Katrina getting undressed in the Big Brother house flickered in Seymours mind then something else shot into his brain.
 
"So if Jay and Kayn are both doing Big Brother, who's piloting the ship?"
Efof went pale and felt like his neck had seized up.
 
"Ermm..... Well, I am, I mean I'm supposed to be...."
"Get us back there right now!!!" Seymour commanded, sighing into his palm.
==================================Lt. Cmdr David "Onion" BallAssistant Helm officer/ Pilot  USS Endeavour-ACaptain Seymour Niples  JMC Blue DwarfWWW.Home.JMCBlueDwarf.com==================================