Gas and Guts

Cass raised her hands “I surrender”

It was at this precise moment that Dick Pornsak first discovered that his underpants were self-cleaning. He raised his hands dropping his coke cup. He glanced over at the robot who was glaring and pointing at him in accusation.

“Oi piss off.” Dick blurted out losing the last of his air and suddenly realising his source of oxygen was rolling around at their feet. One of the alien brutes stamped on the canister ending the short but eventful life of the universes first flatulent earwig.

“No.” Dick gasped as he sank to his knees. The first flutters of suffocation were beginning to trouble him and he looked around to the others in sheer panic. The woman and the space zombie were too busy surrendering to notice his predicament and the robot. What the hell was he doing now? The voice of Smurf sounded over his earpiece and it sounded distant and distorted.

“Sir It would appear that you are suffocating. I have patched into a private channel through the alien vessel, she was quite accommodating. In fact I am considering uploading myself to her mainframe to to better acquaint myself with her protocols so to speak..”

Dick was turning blue now and beginning to gasp for air.

“Oh yes the suffocating I was distracted there for a moment sir you will have to forgive me it has been a while since I spoke to an intellect of equal depth and oh there I go again.”

Dick slumped to the ground his face level with the crushed canister.

“My scanners are showing that due to its quantum nature the flatulent earwig is in fact continuing to produce a steady stream of gasses from beyond the veil…it is in fact quite common for dead bodies to continue to…”

Dick grabbed the remains of the earwig and popped it in his mouth. The taste was appalling and he fought the urge to vomit. It was this moment that one of the aliens sought to discourage his movement with a swift kick to the ribs causing him to swallow the tiny cadaver.

“Sir did you just swallow the earwig corpse?” Dick answered with an eggy belch. “You did didn’t you? You are truly disgusting.”

Dick belched again, catching the eggy air and forcing it back down with a gulp. He was no longer dying which was a plus. His stomach churned as it filled with gasses from the undead earwig. He belched several more times and an alien voice sounded over the comm once more.

“What new sacrilege is this?”

Dick groaned and rolled onto his side. Ok perhaps he was dying. There was a tremendous pressure building up in his stomach like the after effects of a week old cat curry. He squirmed and then with an almighty release of gas he farted.

“The large pink creature has released a chemical weapon. Oh gods the smell! Bring the prisoners and evacuate the ship.”

Something heavy hit Dick in the side of the head and the world went black.