The Ointmentator

Dr Keto stepped back, his white laboratory coat covered in oil and
grease, clutching at the wrench in glee, and admired his creation.
"Behold!" he said, "The Ointmentator!"
Holly, the only being to actually hear the statement, didn't
bother. Nevertheless, Keto looked overjoyed at the heap of metal and
pipes that lay before him.
Five feet high, a metal shell overlaying a very basic set of
engines and tracks, the Ointmentator looked something like a
refrigerator would if it decided it wanted a change of scenery. Of
course, the Ointmentator had something a refigerator did not -
bottles.
Tubes and nozzles pointed out from all directions on the robot, a
great many of them aimed in front of it. Inside the shell, Keto
knew, were several bottles of some of his most 'effective' ointments,
the effects of which he had carefully calculated (before throwing his
calculations away and trusting to blind luck).
Satisfied, Keto turned away smiling and stared out of the viewport
set into the wall.
He blinked as he saw a faint object moving towards the Blue Dwarf.
Frowning now, he spoke.
"Holly, what is that?"
"That? Oh, *that*. It's the ship transporting our newest
crewmember."
"Oh, really?" asked Keto, sighing as he realised that most likely
he would need to give another member of crew an ointment checkup.
Bored, he turned from the window and, as he picked up a bottle of
ointment, asked nonchalantly, "Who?"
There was a pause, and then a snigger from Holly as he replied.
"Doctor William Shakespeare," said the computer.
There was a shattering sound as Keto involuntarily dropped the
ointment bottle, spreading liquid (actually, New Orleans Mustard) all
over the floor.
"Wh...who, did you say?" he managed.
"Doctor William Shakespeare. Apparently."
Keto sat heavily down in his office chair and shook his head in
disbelief.
"Oh God," he moaned, "Not Lawrence again."