Confessions

<snip>
“You’ve never said anything before”
“Because up until recently, we’ve been left with little choice…we can’t chastise Jaxx for killing first, thinking later on the one hand, then let you do the same with the other”
“You can’t compare to him! He’s a savage!”
“Oh, you’re a lot more calculated with it, sure. But the end result’s the same. Look, you’ve tried hard to distinguish yourself from Brittany…don’t let yourself turn into her…you’re better than her.
</snip>
Cass seemed to sag at this and quickly looked away, her eyes blinking rapidly.
For a moment, Jay worried whether he might have been a little harsh, even in spite of what he had said, needing to be said.
"Hey" he said in a more conciliatory tone "I meant what I said - You are better than her"
There were tears glistening in her eyes when Cass looked back at him
"It's hard, Jay" she said in a small, tight voice "Sometimes it's just so fucking hard"
She turned to flop heavily down into the chair behind her; the air trapped inside the seats foam padding, slowly wheezing out through the pleather as she briefly squeezed her eyes shut and smeared them dry with the sleeve cuffs of her jacket.
"I've only got seventeen months of me" she said, her voice more normal, as she finished up and let her hands fall into her lap “Before that there’s nothing; just twenty eight years of someone that I really don’t like anymore"
"Look, you've been doing okay" Jay began, but Cass shook her head "Let me just say what I've got to say" she insisted
It was Jay’s turn to shake his head "No, hear me out" he said "I'm concerned. What we’ve seen recently isn't you, and you're way better than this - I know you are. You just need to think"
Cass remained silent at this, her eyes downcast, leaving Jay unsure as to whether she was feeling pissed off with him or chastised.
"Okay" he raised his hands placatively and retreated a little to perch himself on the edge of one of the nearby workstations "Why don't you say your thing?"
Glancing up at him, Cass took a deep breath.
"Brittany ran away from home when she was sixteen" she began "She killed her father for what he had done to her and then she ran away - He was a copper; which I guess explains a lot of my antipathy towards authority figures.
"Anyway" she shifted her weight in the chair and ran a nervous hand back through her hair, the expression on her face betraying how difficult she was finding this "After that, she somehow managed to survive a couple of years, living on the streets down in London; she did whatever it took to stay alive - Begging, theft, drug running... Stuff"
"Cass..." Jay said softly "You don't have to do this"
"No" she shook her head emphatically "I want you to understand"
Looking away from him, across the dimly lit drive room, she lapsed back into silence, her lips compressing into a thin line.
"My mother died when I was eight" Cass said after a moment “This precipitated my father’s descent into alcoholism – I can only assume that it was his way of coping, but it was fucking horrible to live with
“Abuse survivors grow up under almost constant stress. Their..." her eyes briefly met his before she quickly looked away "Our minds become wired for a heightened fight-or-flight response; and I think this is what drove Brittany to kill her father - That and being raped that one last time” she kept her eyes fixed firmly on the floor as she said this, not even daring to look at Jay who, in turn, remained silent, wondering where this might be going.
“The trouble is, that while killing him was wonderfully cathartic, it caused problems of its own, insomuch that it engendered the idea that you have to do whatever is necessary for survival.
"Living on the streets after that did nothing to help either - It just reinforced that idea, while at the same time encouraging a certain degree of moral flexibility; so by the time I was eighteen, I was immersed in this brutal dog eat dog world, way out on the very edge of society"
"Jesus" Jay blew out his cheeks and slowly shook his head "I'm surprised you're even alive"
"Yeah" Cass gave him a wan smile "Brittany's luck nearly ran out a couple of times - Once in London, which is why she started moving around the world, trying to go straight while she studied nanotech, and then once again in Tokyo"
"That’s when she got off-world and turned up on the ‘Dwarf, right?"
"Yep" Cass nodded and took a shaky breath before she continued "So you see, I'm very much a product of my environment – By necessity, I'm a survivor by absolutely any means possible; and I’m not too fussy about how I achieve it
"I'm not military like you are - where murder is theoretically regulated by conventions. The world I came from was brutally merciless and Brittany adapted to survive as best as she could"
“Bloody hell” Jay murmured “No wonder you don’t like to talk about your past”
Cass gave a short humourless laugh “I bet you prefer to think of me now as the girl who used to dance for you in Club Fister rather than like this, huh?”
Jay grimaced at this and shook his head, but she didn’t press the point
“The thing is though, none of all that is me” she continued “My real life began when I stepped out of stasis, just over a year ago; and while the radiation leak may have been a disaster for everyone else aboard this ship, it was an absolute blessing for me – A golden opportunity to get far away from my former life and start over again!
"I admit that I was a nightmare to begin with, but I've had a few of the rough edges knocked off me now - I've made friends, I've integrated (somewhat) and I've grown" she paused while her eyes guiltily flicked up to search his for a moment "I've allowed myself to care about people, and I've forced myself to consciously make an effort to rise above being what I am and where I come from
"The trouble is that I’ve disappointed myself recently by reverting to type while I was under stress; the end result being what you saw with the Malodorians, and down in that facility”
She paused to purse her lips, her brow furrowing unhappily as she looked up at Jay.
“We’ve been through so much recently” she said, her voice thick with emotion “I miss Kat like crazy and when I saw what had been done to Phi, another one of my few friends, I... I just snapped – I wanted to send the bastards a message and to let them know not to fuck with us ever again
“Now, you said that I need think; but I thought alright – I thought like Brittany instead of like me and now...” her voice cracked and it was a moment or two before she could continue “Now I feel like I’ve scarred my soul. I feel dirty”
“Aw, shit. Cass...” Jay took a step towards her. This wasn't what he had expected or even wanted.
“It was the same with the Malodorians” she was crying now “It was just expediency – We needed that ship, we had nothing to bargain with and our backs were up against the wall”
She abruptly turned in her chair to spin it around, away from Jay, and thumped her her elbows down onto the desk before burying her face in her hands.
She didn't want to say anything else.
Even after having confessed all for the first time in either her or Brittany's whole life, she had still held back - How could she tell him that that her fear of loosing him had been the real reason she had been about to kill the Malodorians? - He didn't want to hear that from her!
For a moment, the soft sounds of her misery were all that could be heard in the room.
Jay cleared his throat

<tag>
Well, that only took five years to come out, but I think it deserves a response
Back atcha Mr. L
</tag>

<ooc>
As for everyone else, let's have a post or two from you
We're heading back to Fernando's
How're you preparing?
</ooc>