FACS

Chapter 1: The Backpost part

<snip>
“DOESITREALLllllllyyyyyy matter?” Artie growled, literally growled, his voice modulator malfunctioning into a bestial growling.

“You can emulate the lesser striped zebra fox!” Kenneth, peered at Artie with excitement on his face. “Oh Dr Pritchard, when did you see one? I don’t know anyone else who’s been to Dimention 229876 alpha!” He bounced up and down slightly with a childish glee.

“Noit’snotthat!...!.... MYVOI….oi…OI… OIIIIcE modulator is malfunctioning!”

“Oh, well that should be easy enough to fix.” Kenneth got up and opened a panel on the side of the main body of Artie’s robotic body. He twisted a few wires and poked about a bit. “Try that now.”
<snip/>

"YOUSON.....of.....ABITCHBASTARD!" Artemis yelled, his voice high enough to shatter a window.
"DoN't......goMe.....ssInG.....WITH......thOsEDAMNWI.....re......s....."

Artemis bluescreened again. FACTORY RESET was displayed on his screen.

Artemis rebooted

"Whuh.....what did you do?" he asked.
"I caused a fatal error, which caused a factory reset" Kenneth said.
"Huh...well, thank you, Mr. Kenneth. At such time when society has restored enough, to the point where currency has meaning again, I will buy you a drink. If will you excuse me, I have to go conduct a few...job interviews"
"Job interviews?"
"Yes, I am in need of a new lab assistant since Frank Cadbury vanished during the escape from the time-prison. I'm interviewing some of the local wildlife from the promenade...at lack of any other options" Artemis groaned. "If you happen to come across anyone with scientific or lobotomizing potential, please let me know"

Artemis went on his way, happy that he could speak in coherent sentences again (especially since his children would take him seriously again).

Chapter 2: The Fantastic Catch-Up to Modern Events

Artemis and Holly had been conducting interviews all day. They had interviewed rodents, skutters, vending machines, some mutant cockroaches, and a sentient cloud that had followed the Dwarfers back from the time prison.

"Under qualifications, you wrote eating and sleeping. How uh....how does that fit into my scientific endeavors?" Artemis asked the rodent sitting before him.

"Uh....."

"Right...so, in the hypothetical situation section you drew Icarus from the Led Zeppelin Swan Song Album"

"Yes"

"Aaaaand for previous job experience you wrote 'yes'"

"yes"

"Also, on the questionnaire you drew a picture of me having coitus with Blue Dwarf...." the rodent started giggling "....and on the second page a picture of me and Blue Dwarf post-coitus, and on the final page Blue Dwarfing telling me that it will 'call me sometime'. Right, so, we'll call you. You may go back to being a troglodyte...."

The rodent left the room giggling, and left a trail of footprints.

"Oh, really? REALLY? You bastard! Gah! Holly, who's next?"

"Uhh.....Tammy, the vending machine that says it had sex with Alex. A robotic stripper....uh....and like, a twelve gerbils"

"Great Mother of Radiation, I am never going to find a lab assistant at this rate"

"Who's that? Lady Gaga?"

"What?! No! Marie Curie you git! Read a book! Smeg, I am surrounded by TROGLODYTES. I wish I never gave up my position at Charon Labs, sure, they were teetering on bankruptcy but at least the people there didn't say 'wut?' whenever I made a reference to Machiavelli or Einstein or....."

One of Artemis' circuits popped.

"Great, I blew out a circuit, again"

"Maybe you should calm down....."

"or. Or. OR"

Another circuit popped.

"Maybe you're right....."

The ship shuddered. "What the hell was that?" asked Artemis.

"Oh yeah, we're under attack. The core is minutes from meltdown and the STCP are trying to kill us...."

The screen next to Holly came to life.

LABASSIST: SECURITY ALERT DETECTED, LOADING FACS.EXE

"What's that?" asked Holly
"The lab AI I installed....."
"No, FACS.exe"
"Oh shit....."

"Alert, the vessel is under attack by unknown assailants. Security is unable to control the situation. In accordance with Space Corps and Guild of Science Protocols, the Innovative Sciences Department must be cleansed of all sensitive equipment, experiments, and data. Cleansing in one hour. Countdown beginning"

A timer was displayed on screen.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! FUCK!" Artemis said, rushing around the now quarantined ISL.

"What's wrong?"

"It's going to cleanse the lab!"

"It definitely needs it....."

"No you jackass! Do you even know what FACS means?" Holly shook his head. "Fuel-Air Cleansing System, it's a god damned thermobaric weapon!"
"Oh....."
"There's thermobaric charges planted throughout the ISL, they'll set fire to the air and destroy everything inside! But the air system in the ship is so dilapidated that the fireball could spread throughout the ship!"
"That's a little extreme, couldn't you just, y'know, eject the ISL?"
"You do realize what kinds of things are stored here? The experiments I have stored here, weapons, robots, chemical elements, sexy robots....in the wrong hands, they could cause unparalleled, and disgusting, damage! Incinerating them is the only way to guarantee that the intruders wouldn't get to them. Well, I suggesting simply using concentrated laser bursts to incinerate them experiments and not everyone else along with them, but the Guild and the Space Corps tended to...throw out my suggestions after my experimental fire system turned the blood of the Hyperion's crew into water"

".....Did I ever tell you how much of an extraordinary lunatic you are?"

"I KNOW HOW UNSTABLE I AM, BUT IF WE DON'T GET THIS SHIT SORTED OUT WE'LL ALL BE TURNED INTO ASH!"

Artemis zipped through the crowds of confused job applicants and started pounding on the lab door.

Meanwhile

Boyd skipped down the hallway, listening to children's music on an MP6 player.

He tripped over a loose floor panel, knocking his headphones out. He heard banging coming from the ISL.

"Hello? Who's calling?"

"BOY? BOY!?! IS THAT YOU?"

"IT'S....BOYD...also, how did you know?"

"I....implanted tracking chips in everyone while they were sleeping to see who was stealing my shop towels....but, that's beside the point....MY LAB IS ABOUT TO BE INCINERATED! I NEED YOU TO FIND SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS COMPUTERS AND QUICK! Or, SOMEONE WHO CAN DEFUSE BOMBS!"

"Uh....can't you do it? You have like...a lot of PhD's"

Artemis looked at the Thermobaric Charge he tried defusing, it was torn asunder...but still counting down.

"There is no PhD for bomb defusal, it only goes up to Masters and the classes were too easy...but that's no the point....JUST GO GET HELP! Also, SOMETHING TO WELD THROUGH THIS DOOR! IF I HAVE TO HEAR A HAMSTER TELL ANOTHER STORY ABOUT LETTUCE I'LL FUCKING SHOOT MYSELF"

Boyd scampered away, trying to find someone who wasn't preoccupied with the STCP invasion or the impending nuclear blast.

<tab>

Decided to make the situation even more fun! The FACS is set to explode in an hour, or around 50 something minutes by the end of the post. Artemis has no idea how to stop it, so somebody with bomb defusal experience or computer experience is needed! The computer is highly dilapidated and lacks sentience like Holly, so it doesn't realize that the STCP has left. It's acting on Space Corps directives so it can't be overridden with command codes. To put it bluntly, the Lab computer is the Windows Vista of AI's.

A Lab Assistant is still needed! You can pick up applications from the ISL, one of the many promenade shops, or the Refectory...y'know, when we're all not about to die...that is